Enemy of the Week

Tender Mercies

A wintry Olympic preview.

By 12.20.13


Ladies and gentlepersons, let the Games begin! Always good to get off to an early start, since there might not be snow in tropical Russia when the latest winter Olympiad officially opens there on February 7. And what ice there should be is already melting away in the heated competition currently underway between the world’s top two performers. Let it be said. Joanie loved Chachi, but President Obama doesn’t love Sochi. Not the way President Putin does. So they’ve been hurling javelins at each other.

Going for the gold in Ukraine, Obama as is his wont sent a woman in to do a boy’s job. In this case, the State Department’s Victoria Nuland, still in recovery from the leading role she played in the Benghazi scandal. Playing backup, Sen. John McCain riled up the crowds in Kiev. In response, Putin issued $15 billion in credits and cheaper energy rates to the Yanukovych regime. Game, set, match, and gold medal to Moscow. Washington didn’t even win bronze. If it’s any consolation, the price of gold in the U.S. has fallen to its lowest in three years. More vindication for Obama economic policy. Still, if he knows what’s good for him, our president won’t be giving cheap and worthless gold to his wife this Christmas. Not unless he mined it himself in South Africa after carrying on right under her nose with you know who.

On the compassion front, it was also no contest. President Putin has announced pardons to countless Russian prisoners, including Mikhail Khodorkovsky, the rival he had brutally railroaded, and the two remaining Pussy Riot convicts of unsurpassed beauty. Our president countered by freeing eight crack dealers. Advantage, the party of Nadezhda Tolokonnikova. Incidentally, shame on all those compassionate conservatives who still would burn her at the stake.

Luckily for world peace, our president won’t be sending the pardoned crack dealers as his official reps to the Sochi capades. That honor has naturally gone to Mrs. Billie Jean King, who has quite a history herself and not only because of the job she did on a tennis hustler named Bobby Riggs, who was then about twice her age. But that was back in the 1970s, when a lot a strange things were coming down, including the palimony case Mrs. King had to fight off. She’s proven to be a tough hombre, nearly as fearsome as the founding palimonist himself, the late Lee Marvin. President Putin will have his hands full, particularly if as expected Big Billie will file complaints over the absence of ice tennis in the official competitions.

It is unfortunate that the America’s own pussy riot in Duck Country won’t allow the avuncular Mr. Phil Robertson to join Mrs. King’s delegation. Mr. Putin is clearly in need of biblical instruction, and who better to convey it than the thriving head of a genuine dynasty? At least in the absence of the Romanoffs. How nice too would it have been had the Russian president been presented with a pillow filled with genuine Duck down. It certainly would have been a more thoughtful gift than the can of fuzzy yellow tennis balls Mrs. King is expected to deliver.

If we may be honest for once, let’s not expect too much from the current administration. Some say it’s been off its game since January 21, 2009. Perhaps. The last straw might have come when it reached out to Mr. John Podesta, a ruthless consigliere for the Clintoni family, who’s been asked to come on board to right the sinking ship of state. No sooner did he show his mug than word came that he had compared rival Republican leaders to cult leader Jim Jones of Jonestown fame and those 900 plus suicides and murders he ordered, all of the perpetrators and victims, until then, bona fide members of the Democratic coalition.

No disrespect intended, Podesta reassured Speaker John Boehner, who once he stopped crying and shaking turned out to be furious. He hates it when capos like Podesta deprive him of names and insults he can hurl at the Tea Party types. Poor Mr. Speaker, always an easy mark, EOW wise or otherwise. Maybe he should travel to Sochi as well, to learn first hand about the quality of mercy. A pardon from Putin may even put a smile on his face. Before you know it, he’ll be giddy enough to quack.

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