'Tis the Season

Happy Holidays from Kim Kardashian!

The sponsored Christmas Card.

By 12.19.13

UPI
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Dear Family, Friends and Followers,

I hope you are all having a festive and magical holiday season! As I sit here with a steaming cup of Starbuck’s Reserve Finca Nuevo from Mexico wrapped up in a cozy Restoration Hardware faux-fur arctic fox throw (and not much else!) on my Williams-Sonoma Beverly sofa with baby North, I am feeling so #blessed. And just to be clear, I did NOT wax her eyebrows, contrary to reports.

Thanks to my almost 19 million Twitter followers I can not only reach out to you this season, but pay for my winter vacation. Renting a private island is not cheap, you know. Isn’t America great? I mean where else would my advertising friends pay me to send holiday greetings? Or for that matter, where else would the media and sponsors pay $18 million for a $10 million wedding? But that is old news.

Kanye and I are having a wonderful end to a fabulous year. We just drove out to a Christmas tree farm with our bodyguards in our brand new matching Range Rovers and had said bodyguards chop down four trees while we frolicked in the farm with InTouch photographers and our nannies took care of baby North, dressed head to toe in Ralph Lauren cashmere. (FYI – a great gift– at least if you don’t have to clean the poop from it!) Make sure to check out the next issue! There are lots of great family shots!

BTW, it’s been a real shock to find out how expensive nannies are! And then you are supposed to pay them bonuses at Christmas, which I just learned. For people like us who work around the clock you can’t rely on just one, and then we have multiple homes, so it just makes sense to employ four so we have enough for play dates. But I hadn’t figured that in the budget. Maybe People can get one of them to do a tell all! Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

I don’t know about you, but I am really late in buying gifts this year. Having a baby means I’ve had to spend a lot more time sleeping and working out with my personal trainer to look dewy faced and get back into a bikini (or nothing at all for a certain video with Kanye!), so it hasn’t left time for much else. Like supermodel Gisele Bundchen, I don’t know what I would do without my beauty squad! As mentioned, exercise is very important to me and I particularly love yoga, but have not yet found a brand of clothing that fits my curves properly. I will definitely NOT be wearing Lululemon after the founder said his customers are to blame for the sheerness of the fabric and their lady parts showing because of their body types. First of all, I like my lady parts showing. And second, why would any self-respecting executive force his customers to self-reflect about their weight? Will he install fat calipers in his stores to make sure only the right people purchase his garments? How dim!

To prospective clothing sponsors – you know I would never make that kind of mistake. Who wants me to be their new yoga model? I have the perfect name for the company: Spiritual Awakening. I can just see it branded on the derrieres of millions of women! Can’t you?

Writing this much is making me tired, so I am going to pour another Starbucks and stop taking selfies with the iPad that I am supposed to be composing this letter on! Sometimes my beauty overwhelms me, though, and I get carried away. I’m probably the only woman with more photos of myself than my baby on my iPhone! Hee hee hee.

Since I’ve mentioned all of my sponsors and can’t think of anything else to say -- except if you still need a stocking stuffer, True Reflection or any of my other fragrances make a great gift for yourself or your friends – I hope you and yours remember the true spirit of the season and give to others less fortunate.

Wishing you and yours a Merry Merry!

Your friend,

Kim

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About the Author
Marta H. Mossburg writes frequently about national affairs and about politics in Maryland, where she lives.  Write her at marta@martamossburg.com. Follow her on Twitter at @mmossburg.