Enemy of the Week

Stuffed Turkeys

No pardons this week.

By 12.6.13

OK, so last week we were on our best behavior, sitting Thanksgiving out and allowing the nation’s turkeys the run of the land. Our Leader the President took advantage of our good-will truce to spare the lives of the constitutionally dubious National Turkeys, whose names were released as Mr. Popcorn and Ms. Caramel and the former was granted a joint appearance with his savior and master, the aforementioned President. When last seen, the two Turks were living as squatters at Mount Vernon, the one-time plantation of our nation’s founding president. It’s not clear if they’re being paid a living wage.

But how interesting that we were fed their names, but not those of the 18 human birds who served as post-Thanksgiving props to our aforementioned leader in a joint White House appearance of their own at which the President sacrificed 48 minutes of golfing time to lay out his latest plans for bountiful minimum wage hikes and unequalled economic opportunity for all American humanity. “Making sure our economy works for every working American,” he reminded, “it’s why I ran for President.” Having been run over by his runs, we get where he’s coming from, as he hopes against Hope to reverse a situation in which his economy isn’t working for Americans because they aren’t working.

So how will minimum wage inflation save the day? That’s where his plan becomes revolutionary, not that we’ve seen it reported anywhere. But from sheer logic and a familiarity with Washington’s ways one can divine exactly what the President is doing. His thinking is marvelously circular. “There’s no solid evidence that a higher minimum wage costs jobs,” he argued, “and research shows it raises incomes for low-wage workers…” If we may translate, he just said that an increase in the minimum wage increases the minimum wage. So why was his Nobel for peace and not economics?

His case for the correct Nobel will only grow stronger when the economics profession catches up with what has to be the underlying plan: Applying additional quantitative easing from the Fed to minimum wage increases in an amazing synergistic convergence of top and bottom. Where cold fusion fell short, Fed-directed wage increases will change the rules of political physics. Every man a king, not just in Louisiana. And once McDonald’s and Jack in the Box catch up, they’ll publish their own Michelin Guide and accept reservations for their nouvelle cuisine offerings. Obama economic care never tasted so good.

It was presumably left to Joe Biden to travel to China to fill in its nervous leaders on America’s new Federal Reserve Minimum Wage Debt Reduction Liberation Plan. He had a grand time, especially on the sushi leg of his tour which had him disturbing the peace in Tokyo, as he asked a group of working women, “Do your husbands like you working full time?” The EEOC, NOW, and Ms. Magazine are investigating. But at least those husbands have jobs.

Which reminds us of something that needs to be addressed. The handsome British actor Chiwetel Ejiofor has emerged as a star of the first order for his performance in the new film, 12 Years a Slave, winning plaudits from critics worldwide, including our own James Bowman, which can only mean the highest praise. We ourselves, however, recall the callous way he was treated by the makers of the big British hit, Love Actually, a decade ago. In it he played the daft young husband of the lovely Keira Knightley, who spent most of the movie pursued by and making goo-goo eyes at her husband’s love-sick best man — while said husband sat around their townhouse cluelessly watching the telly. From all indications, it wouldn’t have dawned on him to object if his wife worked full-time, because it wasn’t even clear if he held any sort of job himself that involved anything more than sitting on his sofa and changing channels and telling his spouse to check the door because he’d heard the doorbell go off. Perhaps such unjust casting prepared him for a much more serious role such as his current star turn, but that doesn’t get Richard Curtis, Love Actually’s creator, off the hook. If Curtis wants this week’s however belated EOW Oscar removed from his trophy case, next time he’ll take on some real buffoons, such as our nation’s distinguished veep and the glitchy boss who dispatched him to Asia.

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