The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the June 2013 issue

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April is no more and on comes May with good news for Our President. Just as sequestration began to bite, Holy Islam’s barbigerous inmates, incarcerated in tropical Guantanamo with all expenses paid, have gone on a hunger strike! At least half of the boys have given up solid foods, even desserts! Many are not even brushing their teeth, and some are refusing to flush the toilet. What does it all mean? Considerable savings for the federal government, and a big help with sequestration for our Muslim-educated president.

Otherwise the news is glum. Just months after President Barack Obama’s electoral sweep (in truth, he got 4 million fewer votes than in 2008) and after delivering his nigh-onto utopian State of the Union speech, his popularity cratered in April, down to 45 percent favorable, 53 percent unfavorable, and 2 percent apparently too soundly sozzled to care, according to Rasmussen’s daily tracking poll. What is more, one of the most popular news stories by major media already features speculation regarding 2016: 70-year-old Vice President Joe Biden and 65-year-old Mrs. Hillary Clinton are the top Democrats mentioned while a plethora of early-middle-aged whiz kids are mentioned for the Republicans. Even the media are tiring of Our President’s bungling, and the bungling goes on. 

There was the leaked Department of Agriculture memo, recommending appropriation cuts for sequestration that would make the farm bloc howl. Then Congress had to rescue the country from the Federal Aviation Administration’s grisly furloughs with legislation that the president threatened to veto. He sheepishly signed the bill and he sheepishly ignored that red line in the sand that he had threatened Syria with over WMDs. Our President is a sheep in sheep’s clothing. In the month’s other presidential news he unveiled his budget two months late and he was ignominiously defeated on gun control in the Senate—the Democratically controlled Senate! Congress’s investigation of the Benghazi fiasco elicited a cacophony of whistle-blowing from the Central Intelligence Agency and the State Department about which more will, for a certitude, be heard. Finally, Our President’s botched investigation of the Boston Marathon bombings was capped by the officious reading of Miranda rights by magistrate judge Marianne B. Bowler to the surviving bomber, Mr. Dzhokhar #%!@*. Yet all was not for naught. At the end of the month the Prophet Obama did give the nation grounds for hope when he said at his press conference on April 30, “Well, if you put it that way, Jonathan, maybe I should just pack up and go home.” Donations for his one-way ticket to Chicago can be sent to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, D.C. 20500.

On the other hand, things are going swimmingly for the president of France. Authorities in Mali have promised to send President François Hollande a second camel “bigger and better looking” than the first, according to the press release. The first camel was unfortunately left overnight in Timbuktu under very light security, and local tribesmen ate it. The second is being sent directly to Paris, where it should be delicious sautéed with a light béchamel sauce with peas and a bottle of Chateux Margaux. Returning to the Boston bombings, authorities continue to piece together the motives of the Brothers #%!@*. There is their intense devotion to Holy Islam that caused them to desist from partying and to limit their use of cannabis. There is a bad experience in the Golden Gloves, and something about an angry girlfriend. Yet from the Boston Herald comes the most suggestive motivation for their mayhem, which left three dead and more than 200 Am­ericans badly injured. Apparently the #%!@* family only received upwards of $100,000 in taxpayer assistance, ranging from cash to food stamps to Section 8 housing. No money for college tuition or an anger management course for the Brothers’ deranged mother. No wonder they got a little hot under the collar—bring back public hangings. North Korea spent the month yelling about a “state of war” with South Korea, but so far nothing suspicious has happened, and by month’s end that fat little butterball of a dictator had been distracted by party time. In Prospect Heights, Illinois, a 14-year-old boy had his iPad and piggy bank stolen when he called a prostitute to his home for online services, and she brought pepper spray. And at KFYR-TV in Bismarck, North Dakota, there is an opening for a news anchor. There, on Mr. A.J. Clemente’s first day before the camera, the recent Western Virginia University graduate attempted to establish a trademark introduction to his broadcast, somewhat like Mr. Walter Cronkite’s legendary sign-off “And that’s the way it is….” Mr. Clemente began his newscast with “F---ing s---,” and he was canned. Possibly there is a place for him at National Public Radio.

Senator Max Baucus became the sixth Democratic senator to announce his retirement in 2014, and a former Navy SEAL, Mr. Gabriel Gomez, won the right to be the Republican challenger to Congressman Ed Markey for the Senate seat vacated by Senator Jean-François Kerry, who has taken his act to the State Department. In public transportation news, Charleston, S.C., officials have arrested Mrs. Audrey Ferguson, 51, for her innovative use of public transportation. They claim she has called for a Dorchester County EMS ambulance at least 100 times to drive her to downtown Charleston, though she is perfectly healthy. She does not dispute their claim, but insists she has no car and no other way to get to Charleston. She claims the rides are covered by her Medicaid benefits, though each costs $425 and she has now rung up a bill of more than $400,000 in charges. Who is to dispute her in the Age of Obama? One of the real stars of the Clinton Era has passed away. He is Mr. William H. Ginsburg, 70, the lawyer for Miss Monica Lewinsky. He appeared on five Sunday talk shows on the same date without laughing even once. In fact, one of his chief attributes as a lawyer was his humorlessness. It served him well in his defense of Miss Lewinsky. Miss Anna Merz, the guardian and champion of rhinoceroses, died of natural causes in South Africa. She will be missed. Miss Mary Thom, the rancorous feminist editor, perished when she rode her motorcycle into a car. And finally Baroness Margaret Thatcher died in the Ritz of a stroke in London. Without ever taking a course in Assertiveness Training or reading Ms. Magazine, she assisted Pope John Paul II and President Ronald Reagan in winning the Cold War. Also she liberated Great Britain from British Labour. Naturally, she was deemed very controversial by the bien-pensants.

Two birdwatchers were arrested in Duluth, Georgia, after suffering the misfortune of falling through the roof of a cinema and landing directly atop the stalls of the women’s comfort station. They have been charged as peeping toms, though the evidence is flimsy. They are 26-year-old Eduard Petrovich Kovynev and 27-year-old Eduard Alexander Kovynev, though it is not known if they are related or how they got the same first name. Presumably they were observing the yearly spring migration of the colorful Painted Bunting as it soared overhead. The American Civil Liberties Union will be watching this case carefully, as it will be watching the case of Miss Jeri Wright of Hazel Crest, Illinois. She is the daughter of the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, the controversial former pastor of President Obama. She has been indicted for allegedly helping former Country Club Hills police chief Regina Evans convert fake paychecks from Chief Evans’ nonprofit organization to her personal use rather than charitable purposes. It sounds like a setup. More next month.

—RET

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About the Author
R. Emmett Tyrrell, Jr. is the founder and editor in chief of The American Spectator. He is the author of The Death of Liberalism, published by Thomas Nelson Inc. His previous books include the New York Times bestseller Boy Clinton: the Political Biography; The Impeachment of William Jefferson Clinton; The Liberal Crack-Up; The Conservative Crack-Up; Public Nuisances; The Future that Doesn't Work: Social Democracy's Failure in Britain; Madame Hillary: The Dark Road to the White House; The Clinton Crack-Up; and After the Hangover: The Conservatives' Road to Recovery.