The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the July-August 2013 issue

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MAY GAVE WAY to June, though for some shivering Americanos it felt more like November. Global Warmists were driven into hiding in the northeastern United States, where temperatures dropped to below freezing. In the Adirondacks, scoffers at Global Warming delighted in a three-foot snowfall, and some invited the Warmists up to hunt with them for the Abominable Snowman. Yet the Warmists are not so easily amused, and one of their stalwarts, none other than the president of the United States, one-upped every law-abiding American on May 23 by declaring the war on terror all but over. Moreover, he pronounced himself, Barack the Terrible, the winner—and he may give himself a Medal of Honor or at least a Purple Heart for having sat through the killing of the Rev. Osama Bin Laden that afternoon in the Situation Room. “This war, like all wars, must end,” he crooned. “That’s what history advises. That’s what our democracy demands.” Yes, yes, and our democracy demanded that the Cold War end four-and-a-half decades after it began and the Thirty Years War end thirty years after it began and the Hundred Years War end 100 years after it began and—oh forget about it. Our president is a nincompoop and a historical illiterate to boot.

• The Taliban in Afghanistan solemnized our Obama’s momentous speech by killing at least a dozen people and injuring four United Nations personnel, bringing the list of casualties there to its highest level since the spring fighting season began in April. They even butchered Mr. Muhammad Rasoul Mohseni, the head of the provincial council in progressive Baghlan province, along with four of his bodyguards, three policeman, six civilians, and a bystander’s dog. In Iraq on May 27 a public bombing pushed the month’s death toll to its highest level in more than five years, reported a giddy al-Jazeera, and then there was Syria. Both sides contributed handsomely to the carnage, as did riots in Egypt, unrest in the Levant, and rumblings along the Turkish border. Another speech on the implausibility of war by our president and the whole world could be engulfed in flames.

• There has been an unconscionable outbreak in 911 calls among Homo obamathalensis. In Hooksett, New Hampshire, a female Obama supporter was arrested for calling 911 and requiring help in ordering Chinese food. The 57-year-old woman—Miss Elizabeth Niemi—called 911 repeatedly, and when an emergency team arrived at her door she asked for help changing her order from the chop suey to the more fashionable Beijing Duck. She was booked pending $5,000 bail. A 47-year-old woman suffering buyer’s remorse for spending her last $50, a Social Security check, to surfeit her cocaine habit called 911 in St. Petersburg, Florida. The aggrieved woman asked arriving police to negotiate a refund from her dealer. The cops failed to make a connection with Mrs. Katrina Tisdale’s dealers but they locked the lady up in the calaboose after noting an unethical 911 call by her back in 2011, wherein she falsely complained that she had been robbed during another cocaine transaction. Finally, in another abuse of 911 privileges, 19-year-old Mr. Vincent Valvo of Vero Beach, Florida, was jugged at 4:30 AM for repeatedly calling 911 and complaining that he “didn’t like how his mother was talking to him.” The sheriff’s report did not include the essentials of Mr. Valvo’s complaints, but the mother went scot-free while the young idealist spent the night in the can. His case will be continued.

• The Internal Revenue Service came under a dark cloud for harassing members of the Tea Party movement, and in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a 7-year-old boy at a local Montessori school even received a frightening letter from, of all people, the vice president. Crazy Joe could not restrain himself when he got a letter from the boy suggesting that guns henceforth be supplied with chocolate bullets despite the displeasure of the National Rifle Association. Britain was shocked by the lethal assault on a member of the country’s military by two crazed Muslims shouting the usual Islamic pieties. They looked like common criminals but insisted they were doing Akbar’s will and in time might even become holy mullahs. In Germany, five members of a small neo-Nazi party, the National Socialist Underground, went on trial led by their female leader, Miss Beate Zschäpe, who actually sounds like the late Herr Adolf Hitler, though she looks more like Signore Mussolini. Civil libertarians around the world will be watching this trial closely, as they will be watching the trial of Mrs. Lisa Marie Grant, 34, of Suffolk, Virginia. Mrs. Grant, the mother of a middle school student, is accused of disorderly conduct. She allegedly “mooned” a school bus when the driver, Mr. John Yeates, refused her entry into the bus for the purpose of remonstrating with him regarding her son’s obstreperous behavior. A General District Court judge has already found Mrs. Grant innocent of indecent exposure, but she is still accused of exposing her derierre and at least one breast.

• Ireland pardoned 5,000 of its citizens for fighting on the side of Great Britain in World War II. Mr. Anthony Weiner is seeking the mayorship of New York, though he has gotten off to a rocky start. Instead of featuring the skyline of New York City on his website, his campaign featured the skyline of Pittsburgh. It was an error, according to officials from the campaign, but what if instead of featuring a picture of his handsome face on the website it features a picture of another part of his body? Such marvels have been achieved by Mr. Weiner before. The campaign is going to have to be on its toes!

• Apparently this widely regarded public-policy column is making progress in its campaign to replace “Sex Week” on college campuses with reading the classics or at least massage therapy. In DuPage County, Illinois, Mr. David Beckman was booked for having sexual relations with his pet peacock when the bird perished. Now it is unlikely that Mr. Beckman will be taking his unusual act on the road to Yale University or any other institution of higher learning. He is also charged with harassment via the telephone, unlawful possession of drug paraphernalia, two counts of drug possession, attempted indecent solicitation for sexual purposes, and cruelty to animals—the peacock episode. And now an entire sex festival has been canceled in the Baltimore area. There, in the suburb of Canton, fetishists were outraged when their wholesome plans to hold a kind of clinic were dashed by soccer moms united with the local constabulary. Nor will they be allowed to hold study groups in erotic whipping, polyamory, and rope bondage. Said Mrs. Joanne Mandato, the local Sarah Palin, the fetishists’ plans were “inappropriate to the neighborhood. There’s a lot of families here.” Who says the wave of the future is erotic whipping, even on college campuses? 

—RET

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About the Author
R. Emmett Tyrrell, Jr. is the founder and editor in chief of The American Spectator. He is the author of The Death of Liberalism, published by Thomas Nelson Inc. His previous books include the New York Times bestseller Boy Clinton: the Political Biography; The Impeachment of William Jefferson Clinton; The Liberal Crack-Up; The Conservative Crack-Up; Public Nuisances; The Future that Doesn't Work: Social Democracy's Failure in Britain; Madame Hillary: The Dark Road to the White House; The Clinton Crack-Up; and After the Hangover: The Conservatives' Road to Recovery.