Current Wisdom

Current Wisdom

By From the September 2013 issue

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Timely geopolitical advice to our Noble Peace Prize-winning president from his worthy successor in the Nobel ranks, Dr. Dennis Rodman, about how to deal with that basketball-loving little butterball of a dictator, Kim Jong-un, as reported in a noted journal of foreign affairs: 

Early on this warm, blustery afternoon outside the Jet Blue baggage claim at JFK, the Worm is holding forth-to his limo driver, to anyone who will listen, to the wind-on his foray into geopolitics. “Before I landed in Pyongyang, I didn’t know Kim Jong-un from Lil’ Kim,” he says. “I didn’t know what country he ruled or what went on in the country he ruled.”

So how is life in North Korea?

“I can’t complain.”

His getup looks like debris from an exploding thrift shop. Slung from his left shoulder is a satchel stuffed with scarves, some lacy, some sparkly, all exotic. His T-shirt is untucked, his Converse All-Stars are unlaced, and he’s got more metal in his head than the average golf club.

So, Dennis, what was your sense of Kim Jong-un?

“All he does is smile and smile and smile. He’s just having a blast.”

No, not that kind of blast!

“Fact is, he hasn’t bombed anywhere he’s threatened to yet. Not South Korea, not Hawaii, not…whatever. People say he’s the worst guy in the world. All I know is Kim told me he doesn’t want to go to war with America. His whole deal is to talk basketball with Obama. Unfortunately, Obama doesn’t want to have anything to do with him. I ask, Mr. President, what’s the harm in a simple phone call? This is a new age, man. Come on, Obama, reach out to Kim and be his friend.”

Rodman plans to return to North Korea in August. “I’m just gonna chill, play some basketball and maybe go on vacation with Kim and his family,” Rodman says. “I’ve called on the Supreme Leader to do me a solid by releasing Kenneth Bae.” The Korean-American missionary was recently sentenced to 15 years of hard labor on charges that he tried to topple the North Korean regime. He’d organized tours into the isolated state.

“My mission is to break the ice between hostile countries,” Rodman says. “Why it’s been left to me to smooth things over, I don’t know. Dennis Rodman, of all people. Keeping us safe is really not my job; it’s the black guy’s [Obama’s] job. But I’ll tell you this: If I don’t finish in the top three for the next Nobel Peace Prize, something’s seriously wrong.’”
(July 8-15, 2013)

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