If it weren't for its addiction to moral equivalence, would the liberal mind have any contact with morality at all? In peachy keen Georgia, voters in one district liberated themselves from Louis Farrakhan's kind of Islamist sympathizer, Cynthia McKinney. In another, voters voiced preference for John Linder, one of the architects of the Gingrich revolution, which gave the House to Republicans in perpetuity, over another maker of that revolution, Bob Barr. So what was the liberal reaction? "Two Controversial Loudmouths Ousted!" "Good Riddance to Two Creeps!" "Did Those Two Ever Deserve Each Other!" But just to show there'll be no hard feelings, a few softies added: "Washington Will Be Dull Without Those Two Around," or "Gosh, We Miss Them Already."
Sharper minds, such as Peter Jennings's, dared inject dissenting opinion into the mix. The defeat of the Islamist, he noted, was made possible by "large donations from out-of-state supporters of Israel." In a pre-television era script, his protocol would have had him credit her defeat to "large donations from the Elders of Zion." From now on ABC's anchor and Achilles' heel will proudly be known as an out-of-state opponent of Israel, which should have no effect on the extent to which he is or isn't Canadian.
The Clinton camp hailed the defeat of Bob Barr as justice being served on one of the architects of Bill Clinton's impeachment. As always, criminal minds can't think straight. As a leading Fox pundit noted, Barr won that fight. Clinton was impeached. He remains a president who was impeached. He will forever be a president who was impeached. Barr had called for his impeachment. Barr voted for his impeachment. Barr's vote carried the day. To repeat, Barr won that fight. There's no rewriting the record book.
There's another way to look at it. John Linder, who defeated Barr, also voted to impeach Bill Clinton. So how is Barr's loss to Linder a victory for the Impeached One? And before anyone suggests Linder no doubt tried to hide from the position he took on impeachment, let it be noted for the record that on his website one can still observe him delivering pro-impeachment remarks on the House floor in late 1998. The only other such video offering on his site has him calling for the abolishment of the IRS, a.k.a. as the Clinton Secret Police. What's more, Linder defends his position by references to the Constitution, a document as terrifying to Bill and his boys as a dead bat sheathed in garlic. If they want comfort, they'll have to find it in Louis Farrakhan's arms.
Or they can risk losing their hearing and attend the latest Barbra Streisand screechathon. This time Babs is coming out of retirement to raise money for the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, for $500 a high note, in Los Angeles. The last L.A. earthquake left less broken glass than this next one will shatter.
But help will only be a phone call away, transcontinentally speaking. Our man at the Pentagon, on vacation in Nags Head, a favorite spot for wives to drag husbands to, caught wind of a "personal injury" law firm reachable at 1-888-HURTLINE in such matters as "defective products," "brain injuries," and "dog bites." Its chief TV spokesperson is none other than Robert Vaughn, erstwhile gunslinger from the United Network Command for Law Enforcement, but in real life as progressive as Babs, if in a lower key.
Another of our full-time agents, the estimable Jack Hughes, is concerned that MSNBC-CNBC-NBC-MTP fixture Brian Williams has been spending too much time in the tanning booth. Subbing for Tim Russert last Sunday, Williams called former Keating Five figure and Clinton coverup specialist John Glenn a "most patriotic American." Jack forgets that tanning school curriculums still assign The Right Stuff as required beach reading.
In any case, better a tanning school education than one sponsored by the National Education Association, which has given no meaning to the notion of back to school. Henceforth American teaching is remain forever stuck in a pre-9/11 continuum. No more finger pointing and blame throwing allowed. What happened to American last September 11 is nobody's fault, at least not anybody's who isn't a full-blooded American. Blame goes back as far as the Plymouth landing. The first Thanksgiving. Being on the wrong side in the French and Indian War. For establishing the Thirteen Colonies, a most unlucky number. For expanding westward. For climbing the Rockies. For coming down their other side. Ditto regarding the High Sierras. For wherever there are Americans there is intolerance. American-made, naturally, give or take lots of exploited labor. That's all we know about 9/11, and all we'll ever need to know. Unless in a final act of intolerance we name the National Education Association, the nation's largest teachers union and Al Qaeda lobby, Enemy of the Week.
Should the NEA miraculously survive to pronounce another day, maybe it'll blame Enemy Central as the most intolerant American institution of them all. Go ahead, NEA, make our day.
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