Enemy of the Week

Imperial Bush

Peace in our time is a cinch.

5.24.02

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Another week, and another onslaught of reminders of how world peace is jeopardized by the imperial Bush dynasty. His Excellency Marshal George W. marched on Berlin. He stormed the Reichstag, overcoming scattered resistance from former East German communists, who today serve as stringers and stage props for the American media popular front. Peter Jennings violated the Official Secrets Act by reporting this was Marshal Bush's first visit ever to Germany, which at least clears him of charges he once participated in a Munich beer hall putsch. But imagine if Admiral Gore were ruling the U.S. instead. We'd be hearing he once studied with Heidegger in Heidelberg where he invented the Hindenburg and married Fräulein Tipper.

Marshal Bush's campaign didn't end in Berlin town. A day later he took Moscow, where his boy Putin had left the gates unlocked. On Memorial Day he'll mop up at Omaha Beach, where he's expected to shed a fake tear as he lays a plastic wreath on the spot where former Boy President Clinton once played in the sand. In sum, Europe has been pacified. It's unlikely any U.S. President will ever visit it again, unless perhaps to personally deliver new nuclear weaponry to U.S. occupation forces.

But there is seditionary unrest on the homefront where you'd least suspect it. War hawks such as Commando leader Sullivan have expressed horror at Marshal Bush's remark to German puppet chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, apropos Saddamite Iraq, that "I have no war plans on my desk." Now how is that a problem? Maybe those plans are still on his father's desk. Or maybe he's got them in his head, or they're inside the nuclear suitcase, or at Dick Cheney's undisclosed location (which is not to be confused with the house in which Al Gore once behaved like a Berlin squatter). How quickly everyone forgets that Marshal Bush promised months ago that the war he's leading will be a long war, a very long war, like maybe, say, 20 years' duration, or maybe 50, or even, just to please the Germans, 100 years. Quick wars do not an imperial dynasty make.

The instigator of the Jeffords war celebrated the one-year anniversary of his unconstitutional defection to the enemy. In fact, to hear him gush about his own unprecedented bravery one would think Jim Jeffords had already won a Congressional Medal of Honor and burial with full honors next to the JKF at Arlington Cemetery. But one can also voice surprise that he hasn't crossed over all the way and undergone a trendy sex change. Then we really would believe he's the second coming of St. Joan of Arc. Of course, bitter-end Republicans would then sneer that Ms. Jeffords actually reminds them of Tokyo Rose.

In other defection highlights, it took David Brock's stunned literary agents at Media Whores Online several news cycles to orchestrate a response to news their star reporter had spent part of last summer at a disclosed Northwest Washington location. Meanwhile, a spokesperson woman for that reporter's publisher told the New York Daily News that Mr. Brock's has signed on to write a new book that she characterized as "a manifesto for contemporary liberals." That's one way misery can attract company. But why not just reprint the Communist Manifesto and spare yourself needless confrontation with pesky fact-checkers? Which is not to say that the progressive movement couldn't use another instant classic.

Much anger has been directed at FBI director Robert Mueller for telling the press what it badly needed to hear, namely that the U.S. is doomed but that that's okay because at least we've been duly warned. Good thing Winston Churchill didn't live long enough to serve in Mueller's spot, else he'd have had to say: "We shall fight them on the beaches, unless shark warnings have been posted; we shall fight on the landing grounds, unless the EPA has detected the presence of PCBs, we shall fight in the hills, unless they've been closed to development, we shall fight in the fields, unless the DOA pays us not to, we shall never surrender, unless Dan Rather says we better."

Dan who? Like another one who got away from Guantanamo, aging Dan spent the week on the hunt for John Ashcroft, sowing confusion in the ranks of such stable media outlets as CBS and Don Imus, while insisting Ashcroft is a hypocrite, coward, and Nixon's attorney general -- all because before 9/11 he flew on government aircraft, which Dan calls "private," while the rest of us flew commercial. It was a sorry performance by someone who never says he's sorry. We're sorry we even know who Dan Rather is. But duty calls, and now Dan, back in the old stockade, is overwhelming choice for EOW.

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