Enemy of the Week

Little White Eyes

Studies in disenchantment and what might have been.

6.20.03

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Live long enough -- a day or two, in most cases -- and the libs will always let you down. Their windmills provide them no staying power. Take friendly N.Y. Times columnist Nicholas Kristof. Unlike his mean-spirited counterpart Paul Krugman, who rarely strays from his Princeton cell, Kristof regularly travels the world on behalf of readers. Lately he dropped in on Nasiriya, Iraq, just to find out the truth about Pvt. Jessica Lynch. Sad to say, he reveals himself not a champion but a denigrator of women both in combat and in the military. For, as he insists, it turns out that "Pfc. Jessica Lynch did not mow down Iraqis until her ammo ran out, was not shot and apparently was not plucked from behind enemy lines..." Then he proceeds to invoke a sexist term to mock this faux hero as a "blonde warrior." Not one of the men in her company is described in comparable lookist words.

It would seem that Mr. Kristof is a prime candidate for a remedial course in anything that might instill new sensitivity. For lack of other course offerings, he may have to settle for so-called whiteness studies, the new sensation that's sweeping the nation from Amherst to UCLA in the name of putting whitey in his racist place. According to the Washington Post, which broke the story in what could become known as its last act as a white newspaper, whiteness studies is now taught at 30 campuses of white liberal privilege. Says one of its theorists, Howard Winant of U.C. Santa Barbara, "Historically, it has been common to see whites as a people who don't have a race, to see racial identity as something others have." Makes you wonder how Professor Winant ever passed Aryan Studies.

Another of its champions has called for the outright abolition of whiteness. At a beach school like UCSB that shouldn't pose a problem, provided the Department of Skin Cancer Studies permits students to study in the sun. Wonder bread disappeared from cafeteria bread lines years ago, and white milk ceased to offend once chocolate milk and frappuccinos became the rage. The FCC will need to cooperate, however, if there's to be an end of all those whiter teeth commercials on TV. As a rule, from now on all the corn we eat and the teeth we display will have to be yellow.

Which leads us inexorably into the subject of Al Gore, the forgotten Democratic titan, who may, just may, be tiring of holding the door open for Ms. Hillary, a white woman who loves to wear yellow. Gore, who has been white for most of his 55 odd years, is close to revealing his newest invention. That would be a protean cable network that would cater to the superiority of white liberal audiences. Not needing to win Electoral College ratings, Al would serve as the new network's sole attraction. Our favorite would be Al's Heavy Breathing Channel. Regular viewing would teach even white conservatives how to sigh and roll their eyes. Then there'd be Al's Fashion Channel. Notice how there aren't enough male models in fashion design? Al would pioneer new vistas for aficionados of earth tone lines, as he paced the runway in search of stylish white voters. Finally, there'd be Al's Afterhours Adult Channel, offering graphic demonstrations of deep-sea kissing. All involved would develop a bad case of the bends.

Until Al Gore is free to entertain again, American public life will suffer and weapons of mass destruction will remain at large. But to get serious for a moment, the way Al would when he faced the camera and his cold stare cracked television screens from coast to coast: We continue to have problems right here in Washington city, where the number one advocate of War in Iraq from the Clinton camp, the author of a neoconservatively approved book neochurchillianly titled "The Threatening Storm: The Case for Invading Iraq," has made a compelling case for why finding weapons isn't likely given the nature of those weapons -- "Iraq may have decided to keep only a chemical and biological warfare production capability rather than large stockpiles of the munitions themselves" -- even as he proceeds to attack the administration's case for invading Iraq as hasty, ruthless and exaggerated. Nice going, Kenneth Pollack. Only an Enemy of the Week would argue for war but insist on not going ahead until his book sales dropped.

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