Enemy of the Week

Lucky Dogs

They’re always being rescued by Republicans.

By 4.16.04

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New evidence that ignorance is bliss. "A lot of people still don't really know who I am," acting President John Frog Kerry told 100 astonished supporters (not to be confused with the athletic supporters he purchased for PR reasons several weeks ago) at the tony New York "21" club yesterday. Each had paid some $25,000 for the inside scoop and some go-go dancing.

So who are these lucky ignorant dogs who still don't know who Kerry really is? How could they have gone this long without being wowed by Kerry and his deep religiosity, dazzling wit, and unforgettable charm. Per usual, the day was saved by Republicans and their knack for being ahead of the eight-ball and of course doing the right thing. As Kerry sheepishly acknowledged, "There are so many Republicans who have said to me: 'You know, for the first time in my life, I'm going to vote for a Democrat. I'm ready to switch over.'" All we can say in response is, "Go ahead, Senator McCain. Make our day."

It's no accident that voter cluelessness regarding Kerry coincides with the demise of Air America Radio. If Al Franken wasn't going to turn the nation on to Kerry the way he himself was once turned on by other illicit substances, who could? Besides Al Jazeera, that is, speaking for the Bedouin branch of the Al Franken family. But as everyone who doesn't even know Kerry knows, the plug has been pulled on Air Franken in two of its five mini-markets. It's a stunning development, completely unanticipated and unacceptable.

How sad too for a devotee of New Radio, who had sent us an encomium just the other week: "Franken and Garofalo make a great team. My friends and I all listen faithfully and we hear there are listening rooms springing up at Starbucks all over the country...." Guess they heard wrong. Pass the creamer and a stirring stick.

Could be the Franken show was a victim of the growing popularity of the 9/11 Commission. The sonorous Dickie Ben-Veniste has proved an excellent DJ, and whenever Ms. Jamie Gorelick has taken a turn at the mike the nation has been treated to a feast of easy-listening. We like her a lot. Her big eyes, her Kerry warmth, her hair coloring, her ability to inspire men to rush to her defense at a moment's notice. Who (besides Dickie B-V) says chivalry ain't dead?

Naturally it's Republicans who compete hardest for her attentions. The other day, after Attorney General John Ashcroft had said something hurtful about Miss Jamie and rendered her speechless, it was former GOP senator Slade Gorton who came to her rescue. In an exemplary display of bipartisanship, he directed all her DNC-approved jibes at Ashcroft as if they were his own. We hope John Frog Kerry can count on his vote, too.

Gorton's heroism compelled Commission chairman Tom Kean to spring into action and tell Americans to keep their noses out of Ms. Gorelick's business. Until that point, Kean had had some doubters. If not for Fox News no one would have know he was playing any role at all. As it is, appearing as he did on Fox alongside co-chairman Lee Hamilton, he left viewers with the distinct impression that he was there only as Hamilton's caddy or chauffeur.

The stature gap may be Hamilton's doing. Unlike the New Jerseyan Kean, Hamilton hails from a distinguished Indiana family which had its seat in Raintree County and answered to boss Booth Tarkington. Now another Hoosier and Democratic henchman, Commissioner Tim Roemer, answers to Lee Hamilton. How convenient. How unusual. How indictable.

We could blame the Bush crowd and their usual unpreparedness. Or we can blame Tom Kean, for not having had the smarts to be raised in Indiana. That's reason enough to record Kean as EOW in our book. At least now he has an excuse.

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