N. MIAMI BEACH -- A scientist named Zuckerman announced yesterday the discovery, and photographing, of a new planet outside our solar system. I suspect that this is part of a long-standing conspiracy on his part to reverse the alphabetical order.
But the prospect of relocating to a new planet is not without a certain charm. In the last few days alone, life on this one has stretched the bounds of credulity. A man in India cut off his wife's tongue and a woman in Romania pulled her husband's scrotum right off his body. Although doctors successfully reattached the man's organs, he still lacked what it took to press charges.
Which brings us to John Kerry, who lately seems to be pursuing the gig alone, without recourse to the billion heiress Teresa. Is she piqued that his campaign peaked? Not to worry, says his new campaign spokesman, presumably counseled by the new campaign advisor, every campaign has peaks and valleys.
How have we arrived at this unpretty pass? Sure, we expect some desperation in a sinking campaign. No surprise that loss of buoyancy makes the boy antsy. And this type of failing flailing does occasionally bear fruit, as in Al Gore's "October Surprise" release of George W's Kennebunkport DUI in the week before the 2000 election. That news stopped Bush from walking a straight line to victory; instead, he staggered across the finish line. But in the absence of good oppo ammo, do we now make stuff up?
Is this the new frontier? Is this the 58th variety? Is this Zuckerman's Planet?
GLOVES OFF, LET'S TELL it like it is. Like it has been for some time. Democrats lie. They lie all the time. Not just campaign promises, which are the political version of the pickup line: conceived in passion, developed in romance, aborted by reality. But vicious scurrilous lies of all stripes, seasoned by all manner of corruption and cheating.
Always Democratic candidates shout that Republicans are racists seeking to deprive minorities of their suffrage. Just yesterday I heard a John Kerry sound bite from a black church in which he said, "We hear that what they did in Florida in 2000 they are planning to do again all over the country." How much gross falsehood weighs down that sentence? How much slimy mud-slinging? How much brute nastiness? How much patronizing of his audience? How much downright cheating in a contest calling for gentlemanliness?
Every election in our memory has been tainted by Democrat tampering in urban centers. As early as 1960, the Daley vote in Chicago was critical in determining the victory of John Kennedy; irregularities were regular there: living Democrats got several votes, the dead one apiece. In 2000, voter fraud was rampant in St. Louis and Milwaukee and numerous similar venues. A new culprit got into the act, too: college towns.
Additionally, illegal immigrants are everywhere recruited by Democrats, who teach them the art of fraudulent registration in expectation of getting their votes. Many of those same folks in later years, after scrambling to fiscal success and responsible citizenship, discover that the Republican world outlook mirrors their own. But in their early effort to open the window of opportunity, they mistake the condescending Democrat for their friend.
Union workers in nursing homes and mental health facilities turn Election Day into a fun outing for the inmates, except that the actual voting is done by the caretakers, Democrats all. Felons who have lost the right to vote are encouraged to register anyway; often undetected, that illegal vote is cast for the soft-on-crime Democrats.
No, there is nothing new under the sun, at least in our solar system. The facts of life in the political world have been ever thus: the Democrats represent a phony ideal of fairness over the stricter ideal of the rule-of-law and they use that as an ideological fig leaf for all manner of dishonest electioneering. Posing as Robin Hoods, in fact they are robbin' hoods.
ONE CLOSING NOTE ABOUT the estimable Dan Rather, not suspect of deliberate malfeasance, who fairly consistently follows his version of objectivity directly into an ill-fitting Democratic cheerleading uniform. As we prepare to say "So long" to this solon, his engaging twinkle already twilit, we ask ourselves: How did he become such a Twinkie? Why did he buy a cheap forgery?
The answer is that these academic and media types live in a wishful world of unreality. They want the world to be a certain way, their vision of utopia, and if the facts on the ground prove stubborn, they retreat to the more malleable realm of fantasy.
In a rather bizarre episode more than a decade ago, Dan Rather was attacked on the street by a crazed man, who kept hitting him and yelling. "What's the frequency, Kenneth?" Perhaps we can finally solve the mystery of that cryptic remark, as we theorize that Mr. Rather, code named Kenneth, receives signals from Zuckerman's Planet. Still, there is no excuse for him to forget the ZYXs of honest reporting.
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