Enemy of the Week

Enemy of the Year

Enemy Central sends out its posse.

By 12.29.05

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Late Monday we issued an APB -- by Tuesday morning our case was solved. By Tuesday afternoon we were receiving trauma counseling. By Tuesday evening we heard from FEMA, the ACLU, someone calling himself a special prosecutor, and a deserter code-named Howie D found once again wrapping himself in a white flag. So while we're assured of a generous federal handout for the cleanup work we're doing, it could be that we also acted hastily -- extra-judicially, so to speak -- in rounding up the usual suspects and violating the Democrats' recent amendment protecting their white flags from public burning and other forms of desecration.

We can't say we don't trust the wisdom of our EOY posse. Missive after missive hauled in the likes of Pelosi, Reid, and Dean ("the Democratic Party's Axis of Evil"), Joe Wilson ("for outing his wife"), "Jimmuh" ("for another pathetic attempt at being an author"), "little" Dick Durbin, Michael Brown ("who should never have left his job shoveling stable sauce"), John Murtha ("a big bear of a man" -- i.e. before he became Goldilocks), tall leaker Jay Rockefeller (see our letter to Vice President Cheney), John "Lurch" Kerry, Katrina kids Ray Nagin and Kathleen Blanco (though she does most of the naggin') -- and let's not forget about John McCain, much as everyone is hoping we could.

In a sign of a new maturity, next to no one nominated Bill Clinton or even mentioned Madame Hillary. Evidently all her serious praying is paying off. At this rate her name recognition could go south. Keep it up, Senator, and come 2008 you'll be a fresher item than Mark Warner.

One particularly concerned posseist urged us to go easy on Cindy Sheehan. He called her merely an "enraging twit." His argument is compelling: "Pick the people who have thrust the twit forward in the effort to bring about our defeat in Iraq, not the twit herself."

That part is easy. As it happens, our posse is also highly literate and well-misinformed, judging by the many copies we found in our driveway of discarded copies of the New York Times and other participants in the vast mainstream media. Funny how quickly their newsprint turns yellow.

Nonetheless, we worry. No one bothered to throw a television in our direction. Other than a hasty denunciation of all-talk Chris Matthews, TV news passed under the radar of our search teams. So now we have no way of knowing whether Mary Mapes lives in greater delusion than, say, Mother Sheehan. Or whether Terry Moran is finding happiness as member of Nightline's post-Ted triumvirate. (Honk if you've ever watched.) Does anyone care that Bob Schieffer is the most trusted man in America?

No one dared denounce Patrick Fitzgerald either -- thereby confirming the fear he strikes in the heart of every decent citizen. Barbara Boxer no longer inspires horror -- proving her novel is selling even worse than Maureen Dowd's unnecessary book. At this stage, according to Middle East experts, Mo would be lucky to get Saddam Hussein to date her. To be sure, this intelligence could be flawed.

Clearly our times and our cause call for fresh faces. Time magazine thought it would be original to name Mr. and Mrs. Bill Gates and an Irish-Italian named Bono as its Personas of the Year. But check out the cover illustration. Bono is strikingly in the middle, while Mr. Gates is prominently on the left, with Mrs. Gates relegated to the background on the right. Simple sexism and celebrity worship? Or an indication the Gates have split? At least when Time's end of year issue included a photo of Valerie Plame in the background, she had an excuse: she was in her pajamas, just the thing to wear when you're under the covers.

So who'll it be? For guidance we turned to someone who obviously has remained sober this entire time. He tells us: "The true enemy is actually killing Americans and America's friends, and plotting every day to kill more. We can't lose sight of that." For that reason, he notes, "I have to nominate the Terrorist Bastards in Iraq (TBII) as Enemy of the Year." No arguments here. The verdict is unanimous. We have our winner.

Special thanks to Drew Cline, Greg Barnard, J. Shepard, J. Babbin, Deborah Durkee, Harold Richardson, G.M. Strong, Boris Berejan, Larry Hawk, Jim Comstock, Elaine Kyle, Stuart Reed, Ron Pettengill, Annette Cwik, Newt Love, Ellen Onstott, Brad Bettin, Kirk Walker et al.

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