Political Hay

The Gonzales E-Mails

Not everything gets leaked to the Washington Post.

By 3.14.07

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From: Harriet
To: Alberto

Al,

I've got a GREAT idea -- almost as good as putting me on the Supreme Court! (Sorry about that one, by the way. Who knew the country would demand "qualifications," whatever those are??) Anyway, here it is. How 'bout we fire all U.S. attorneys and replace them with the president's buddies? Wouldn't that be awesome?!! Think of it: Every U.S. attorney a loyal ally of the president! Imagine how much of our agenda we could implement! What do you think?

Harriet

To: Harriet
From: Alberto

Harriet,

Great idea! I'll order it done right away. Get back to you asap.

Alberto

To: Kyle
From: Alberto

Kylio,

The president wants to fire all U.S. attorneys. Frankly, I have NO IDEA how to do this. But if the president wants it done, I'm going to find a way. A couple of questions. Do executive orders cover law firms? Please find the caselaw on this. I think most of the president's major corporate donors will resist having their staff attorneys forcibly removed. We have to come up with something of value to offer them as compensation. Maybe Karl doing a motivational speech for their employees? Think on that one. And what about attorneys in private practice? I mean, how do you fire someone who's self-employed? Maybe the Small Business Administration would know. Please advise when you're done with that brief on how to legally send Patrick Leahy to Guantanamo.

Alberrrrrrto

To: Attorney General Gonzales
From: Kyle

Attorney General,

I could be wrong here, and I certainly don't want to overstep my authority. But, my guess is that when the president informed you that he wanted all U.S. attorneys fired, he probably meant all federal prosecutors, not all attorneys in the United States, though that certainly was a reasonable assumption on your part.

Kyle

P.S. We can't legally get Leahy into Guantanamo Bay unless we catch him engaged in an act of war against the United States. Thwarting the agenda of the president of the United States is not currently classified as an act of war. I already looked.

To: Kyle
From: Alberto

Kyle,

Of course the president meant all federal prosecutors. I totally knew that. I was just testing you.(You passed.) Now, on the firing of all U.S. attorneys, what would be the downside to that? I mean, other than really depleting our side for the annual Justice vs. Defense softball game. Hey, remember that time I got a single off Secretary Rumsfeld to drive in the winning run?!

Alberrrrrrto

To: Attorney General Gonzales
From: Kyle

Attorney General,

Yes, I do remember the time you drove in that run! Thanks for reminding me again, I hadn't thought of that since our conversation about it last Friday. Good times, good times. So, I was thinking of other possible downsides to firing all U.S. attorneys, and ones that I see are: 1) Losing the entire prosecutory capability of the United States government at once. 2) Losing the Republicans we've worked so hard to put in those positions over the past six years. 3) Massive political opposition from the Democrats. 4) Fired attorneys might be reluctant to contribute to your campaign for governor of Texas in 2010.

Kyle

To: Harriet
From: Alberto

Harriet,

Working on the plan to fire all U.S. attorneys. A couple questions. If we fire all the attorneys, what if we have to prosecute someone? Also, can we wait until I've collected my first round of donations for my gubernatorial race?

Alberto

To: Alberto
From: Karl

Hey Al,

Harriet forwarded me your last e-mail. Forget your gubernatorial race. It's all in my capable hands. You win 53-47. Don't ask me how. That's for me to know. As for the attorneys, I've decided, I mean, the president has decided to fire only seven of them. Too late in the game to fire them all. So pick the seven least reliable ones, and let me know.

K-man

To: Kyle
From: Alberto

Kyle,

Whew! White House says we're to fire only seven U.S. attorneys, not all of them. I asked if we could fire Janet Reno. He said no. :(Anyway, which seven do you think we should can? I was thinking, "Last hired, first fired."

Alberrrrrrto

To: Attorney General Gonzales
From: Kyle

Attorney General,

"Last hired, first fired" would mean firing the last Republicans we were able to confirm in the Senate before it turned Democrat. I would suggest that is counterproductive. We probably want to weed out the least loyal ones and fire them. I'll ask Mike for nominees and get back to you by morning.

Kyle

To: Karl
From: Alberto

Karl,

I'll have your list of seven attorneys to fire in the morning. On another note, what are you getting the president for Christmas? I was thinking about an audiotape of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed singing the Star Spangled Banner. Don't laugh. I know a guy who can make it happen. You getting him that dartboard with Nancy Pelosi's face laserprinted on it, like we talked about?

Alberto

Andrew Cline is editorial page editor of the New Hampshire Union Leader and editor of the satire blog gunsbutter.com.

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Andrew Cline is editorial page editor of the New Hampshire Union Leader. You can follow him on Twitter at @Drewhampshire.