Enemy of the Week

The Air Up There

Hagel is safe for another week -- or until he collects $26 million --- whichever comes first.

By 4.5.07

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Frustrated in her efforts to use big government planes to fly to the West Coast for getaway shopping weekends, the Hon. Nancy Pelosi flew east on an even bigger government airplane. Intending to put her multicultural touch to good use, she determined to make a genuine burqa her first purchase. It would be a diplomatic gesture her Syrian hosts would respect and maybe help free a score of Iranian hostages besides. Instead, her inexperience showed, and she let the old boys at the bazaar take her in. Straight off they hauled out a headscarf from designer Soviet surplus and, voila!, there was Nancy, looking every bit the Russian babushka. Better luck next time, Madame Speaker. Just be careful when you travel to Moscow -- we wouldn't want Mr. Putin putting you to work sweeping the cobblestones of Red Square.

A craftier material girl is one Ms. Hillary Clinton. When last seen, she was bathing in a tub filled with hard-earned campaign cash, $26 million in small, untraceable bills. She tossed it in the air, pressed it against her squirrelly cheeks, tweaked it with her curly toes. Then reality bit. Big Barack had collected just as much if not more, all of it legit, in newer, crispier denominations. When last spotted at the spa, Ms. Clinton was chomping at the bit, tearing at her loot with rare fury, promising to turn Barack into bubble bath.

Her friends on the right are getting impatient, regardless. How long before the next election? Some 19 months? And another two and a half before the next presidential inauguration? Why not impeach the gal before she's even elected? That would be another historic first for all of us, and it would give many people something to do while we wait and wait for the electoral axe to fall. The main downside is that success would mean losing any chance to call her the Girl President or Girl Clinton.

The Global Warmer of the Week turns out to be Mr. Andrew Gibbons, who flew United on its maiden flight from Washington-Dulles to Beijing, China, and back again to Dulles without ever leaving Beijing airport or even ordering takeout. Turns out our Marco Polo pulled a similar stunt on inaugural United flights to and from Kuwait last fall. He's expected to convert his frequent flyer miles into carbon credits.

Where is Al Gore when you need him? Flacking their new book, This Moment on Earth, Mrs. and Mr. Teresa Heinz Kerry are aggressively saving the environment at every stop. They're sick of talk, they say in their talk. They want action. As they learned last Christmas in Cambodia, "Americans have had enough. People across this country are grasping the scientific reality that we are in the middle of a crisis. The Earth's poles and virtually all points in between are heating up at a frightening and potentially catastrophic pace." We know the threat is very real because Sen. Olympia Snowe has joined the Kerry crusade. If we don't all act immediately, before this decade is out we'll have to refer to her as Sen. Olympia Raine. In an interesting wrinkle, the Kerrys are exchanging their botox supply for carbon credits.

Now the Supreme Court has joined in the fun. It didn't matter that four justices remained sensible -- Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, Alito, henceforth to be known in polite circles as the court's Flat Earth contingent. What mattered was that that the swing vote, Justice Anthony Sandra Day O'Kennedy, meekly sided with the activist weathermen in giving greater constitutional status to the Enviro Protection Agency than to an elected presidential administration. Justice John Paul Stevens authored the majority opinion, thus dirtying our clean air, and earning himself a long overdo EOW credit.

From now on, we suspect, when a Supreme Court justice administers on oath, it will not be over a Bible, or even the Koran. Rather, it will be over Earth in the Balance. Unless of course the Kerrys sue and their This Moment on Earth becomes the nation's official holy book.

Send your Enemy of the Week nominations to Enemy Central c/o editor@spectator.org.

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