Another Perspective

Ape Over Hillary

Legions of winged monkeys endorse Clinton.

By 11.18.07

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OZ -- A mysterious army of winged monkeys today endorsed Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y. for president of the United States.

"Eeeeeee! Eeeeeee! Cliiiiiiinton! Ooooooooo!!" declared a recorded statement released by the unnamed simian horde.

Primate specialist Dr. Ben Oogan of the University of Toronto translated the utterances into an endorsement of Sen. Clinton for the presidency.

"At first I thought it might be 'Apple, orange, Clinton, banana,'" Oogan said. "But then I slowed down the tape, and it was clearly 'Make witchy Clinton big banana.' There's no question that's what they were saying."

The tape was then sent to other primate specialists, who all reached the same conclusion.

"Most people will find it remarkable that a magical army of winged monkeys is devoting its energy to endorsing a candidate for president of the United States instead of, say, doing the bidding of some wicked witch that has enchanted them," said Dr. Rufus Poole of the University of Kentucky. "But as a specialist in simian linguistics, what I find remarkable is that the monkeys have formed a single word for Hillary Clinton. I mean, they don't even have a word for cheese. For some reason the senator has managed to concentrate the attention of these monkeys in a deeply profound way. If only I had a $6 million federal grant to study why this might be, we could have an answer by 2011."

Dr. Ted Quiggle of the San Diego Zoo said he believes the monkeys want something and think Sen. Clinton will help them get it.

"The tone with which they demand we elect Sen. Clinton to the presidency suggests a real sense of urgency, as if they want something very desperately. Perhaps a large supply of fruit or complete domination of the planet. Whatever it is, they seem to believe that the only way they can get it is for Sen. Clinton to become president."

After releasing the statement, the monkeys detached squadrons to high-population American cities, where they dropped leaflets promoting Sen. Clinton's candidacy, roughed up small dogs, and laughed uncontrollably every time they saw a picture of John Edwards.

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About the Author

Andrew Cline is editorial page editor of the New Hampshire Union Leader. You can follow him on Twitter at @Drewhampshire.