Among the Intellectualoids

It’s Either Too Hot or Too Cold

The Gore-ists could not see the forests.

By 5.7.08

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It was 1943. We were in the middle of a global conflict that was caused by the predilection of evil men for power.

Predictions of doom and gloom abounded. How would the world survive? What could mankind do about it? Into all this angst and depression strode Bette Davis in a gorgeous beaded suit, to deliver her own personal lament about the lack of eligible men on the home-front called, "They're Either Too Young or Too Old."

Today, the global-warming folks are hot and bothered about another threat to Mother Earth. But this time it's about man's predilection to breathe. However, given recent reports on cooling trends, they've changed their tack to purport that whatever the temperature may be, it's still all our fault.

It makes one want to belly up to the bar and belt out our own lament. And so, with apologies to the incomparable Frank Loesser:

At first the global warming crowd was bursting forth with glee;
Just like Sir Isaac Newton was beneath his apple tree.
They had all of the data straight from the IPCC...
But the problem for the Gore-ists, is they could not see the forests.

It's either too hot or too cold;
We can't grow our crops in a fertile way;
At least that's the news out of Turtle Bay...
The threat of global warming,
Has talking heads performing.

It's either too cold or too hot;
The greenies are now on the spot.
Next year we'll all be burning up in searing heat unless
Their experts in the 'sciences' dream up a better guess.

As long they get grants, their future is gold;
It's either too hot or too cold!

We're either on fire or on ice;
It's either too green or too frosty white.
These scientists can't seem to get it right…
This constant rearranging,
Has morphed to climate changing.

They tell us they're sure of one thing;
We'll never see Fall or the Spring.
We're either stuck in Summer's heat or Winter's icy grip
We'll surely die from frost-bite or from bad post-nasal drip.

They're winning as long as the media's sold;
It's either too hot or too cold!

They're either on fire or they're chilled;
They're freezing a lot, or too hot to trot.
It's getting much warmer, unless it's not...
The truth can only free us;
If not, you've got your Prius.

(Orchestral Break)

So remember this, boys:

Al Gore will never fail ya,
From Brussels to Australia.
Don't worry about India;
It's just that old El Ninia!
They'll plant a load of wood mint,
To stint our Carbon footprint.

And those polar bears will cheer up…
If they just keep that old fear up!

We're either too baked or too raw;
There's no hope of balm or of thaw.
In any case, they know the cause of all this misery;
This noble Earth would be okay if not for you and me…

This used to be called just plain "weather" of old;
When, it's either to hot or too cold!

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About the Author

Lisa Fabrizio is a columnist who hails from Connecticut (mailbox@lisafab.com).