Political Hay

Happy Days Are Here Again!

Preparing for the Nightly News under a Democratic surge.

By 6.18.08

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Although much of the country dreads it like the plague, there is a chance that if Barack Obama wins the White House, Democrats would control the Legislative and Executive branches of our government, as did the Republicans during half of President Bush's two terms. But there is also the chilling prospect that they will reach the magic number of 60 votes in the Senate, which would give them the filibuster-proof power that the GOP could only dream about.

But there is, as always, a silver lining to the dark cloud of liberalism that would enshroud the country should things go badly in November. If you're like me and enjoy listening to talk radio, you've realized that some of the stations that carry our favorite shows are old-media network affiliates that usually reflect the leftist view. And you often wonder what need they have of the Fairness Doctrine, when in the midst of the Rush Limbaugh Show, you are bombarded with constantly negative reporting by liberal dependables like Vic Ratner and Ann Compton of ABC News.

Negative, that is, as long as Republicans occupy the White House. But, should disaster strike and the donkey party ascend, don't worry; everything will be coming up roses. Not in reality of course, but in the way that a 5% unemployment rate under Bill Clinton was cause for ecstasy, while the same number under George W. Bush inspires the headline: "Jobs weak, unemployment soars!" Or the way that homeless numbers seem to increase during Republican administrations and magically disappear under the loyal opposition.

So once the Democrats are firmly ensconced in the seat of power, the results will surely be higher taxes, socialized medicine and the emboldening of our enemies; but rest assured that all will be sunny in the media. Just close your eyes and imagine yourself on the couch come February with a pitcher of very dry martinis, tuning in to NBC Nightly News with Keith Olbermann:

Olbermann: Good evening. Tonight's top story: Peace in Iraq at long last. At a press conference on Capitol Hill, congressional leaders cited Department of Defense statistics to point out that U.S. casualties are at historic low, prompting Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to declare victory.

Reid: It's clear by now that the policies of the last three weeks have paid off and it's even clearer that the diplomatic surge planned by our president has finally convinced the Iraqis that it's time for them to stand on their own two feet. In light of this good news, I'm introducing legislation that will reduce our defense budget and divert these funds to truly strengthen our national security by developing alternative energy options like the proposed windmill farm in Searchlight, Nevada.

Olbermann: It's about time. It's truly a shame that the Republicans weren't big enough to stand up with Reid to applaud President Obama's victory. In other news, Secretary of State Sandy Berger declared that, in spite of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's recent claim that, and I quote, "We are now fully capable of wiping the Israeli pigs off the face of the Earth by next month," there is nothing to fear from a tiny country like Iran. In an interview with Meet the Press host Arianna Huffington, Berger explained:

Berger: The State Department fully stands behind the intelligence gathered by our special envoys Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton on their recent trip to Tehran, where they found no evidence of nuclear weaponry development. On the other hand, it is our belief that Iran will be persuaded to give up its nuclear arms program by the threat of President Obama's planned diplomatic surge. That is, in case they do have one.

Olbermann: Well said, Mr. Secretary. In a related story, President Barack Obama has proposed an Oil for Food type program to deal with the impact of sanctions imposed on Iran by the alarming number of hawks among our so-called NATO allies. In a spirited White House news conference, President Obama was aggressively peppered with questions like this from our own Helen Thomas:

Thomas: President Obama, isn't it true that, although you have the best interests of innocent Irani civilians at heart, this program will actually benefit the rest of the world by tempering their war-like attitude toward the peaceful intentions of a highly religious people who have been demonized for years by the former administration and its Israeli lapdogs?

Obama: Oh boy, Helen, that's a tough one! The short answer is yes. How can you label a country "evil," and then blame it for acting that way? All I can say is, the ways of the previous administration are not my ways.

Olbermann: Now that's the kind of change we really can believe in! Turning to domestic news, we go live now to the nation's heartland. Reporting from a Lukoil gas station in Detroit, Michigan is our own Spencer Dash. What's up, Spencer?

Dash: The news here is a mixed bag, Keith. While it's true that gas is over nine dollars a gallon, folks here are reaping the benefits brought about by cycling and power-walking to work. One African-American single mom told me that between the city-wide ban on fast food restaurants and her two-mile walk to her kids' school, she's managed to drop two and a half pounds in just a month! And, with less cars on the road it's a safer and healthier trip for everyone!

Olbermann: Terrific! Tell me Spence, just to dispel a few racist rumors floating around D.C., is there any truth to the report that yesterday's small explosion in nearby Dearborn was tied to terrorism in any way?

Dash: Um, no; no way Keith. My sources tell me that it was a mishap caused by some unruly young guests returning from a local wedding where fireworks are often used to celebrate the nuptials. City officials have confirmed that there is no cause for alarm and that they have, in fact, refused the help of the Department of Homeland Security and FEMA in cleaning up the debris and caring for the victims.

Olbermann: Wow, great news Spence! As I always say, the government that governs least, governs best. Next up in sports: New York Yankees payroll tops $300 million. Should Congress investigate?

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About the Author

Lisa Fabrizio is a columnist who hails from Connecticut (mailbox@lisafab.com).