Like members of the Audubon Society on a major bird-sighting mission, members of Barack Obama's Cabinet fanned out across the United States this week on a job-sighting mission aimed at supporting the president's claim that last year's $787 billion stimulus package was not a total waste of money. They found no fewer than 40 red-throated loons, a glaucous gull, 25 Iceland gulls, 220 razorbills, and several thousand Canada geese. Unfortunately, however, apart from a few sickly chicks living in federal incubators, they could not find a single job capable of independent flight and life in the wild.
Vice President Joe Biden will meet with President Barack Obama later today to report on the failure of this mission. I was able to get an advance copy of this semi-scripted event, with the president speaking from the teleprompter, as he always does when speaking to school children, and with Vice President Biden doing his part by speaking out of turn and acting as the class clown. Here is the copy of today's conversation in the Oval Office:
Veep: Hey, POTUS, notice anything different about me?
President: You look as goofy as ever to me.
Veep: The tan, man, the tan. We could be bros, bro. I got that from spending half the damned day in a solar panel factory in Saginaw, Michigan, of all places. Talk about a boondoggle! Why are we wasting taxpayers' money on this kind of stuff?
President: You said it yourself, Joe. It's that 'three-letter word,' as you called it: J-O-B-S, jobs. Remember, that's why I sent you to Saginaw. You were supposed to bring back proof of all those green jobs we're creating.
Veep (laughing): That's a good one, Mr. President, but let's be serious here. If it's green jobs we want, why not spend our money making leprechauns and green beer on St. Patrick's Day?
President: So tell me at least one job I've created.
Veep: You're making this too easy for me, Mr. President. You gave me my job. Who else would have done that, especially after I called you the "storybook" man -- "the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy"?
President: You may be the vice president, but remember who is running the show here. I am the change we seek. You -- and the rest of the universe -- are just along for the ride.
Veep: My, my, my! Aren't we being a tad delusional? Just joking, Mr. President. You know me.
President: Yes, I know you. And now I want you to stop joking and get serious about telling people about all the good things that have happened because I decided to go on a spending rampage. Tell them about all those 'green jobs' that we are creating. And don't forget to tell them that none of this is going to add a dime to the deficit. Not one single dime. Now get the hell out of here.
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