May is history and with it goes Memorial Day 2011, but not before President Barack Obama golfed for the 70th time in his 28-month-long presidency. He hustled over to lay a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington National Cemetery and then it was off to the links. Perhaps he was golfing to solemnize all the country’s golfers who have served in foreign wars. Perhaps it was to honor his predecessor in the realm of underappreciated presidents, Warren Gamaliel Harding. Harding golfed and played poker with his cronies. President Obama does not play poker with his cronies but he does play the occasional game of basketball. Both President Obama and President Harding, as with President Bill Clinton, have had bossy wives. On the day his wife, Michelle, unveiled a new USDA guide for healthful eating, the president assaulted two chili dogs and fries at Rudy’s Hot Dog eatery in downtown Toledo, Ohio. When he got home all hell broke loose.
A cornucopia of intelligence has been provided by the extermination of the Rev. Osama bin Laden during that devil may care SEAL Team Six revel in Abbottabad, Pakistan. Reportedly the SEALs made off with five computers, 10 hard drives, and more than 100 storage devices, plus the Rev. bin Laden’s private stash of pornography, though they did not locate his pornograph. Apparently President Obama has decided not to release pictures of the Holy Man’s corpse, possibly because it looks like Swiss cheese, but possibly out of consideration for Holy Islam’s regard for the dignity of the individual. Senator James Inhofe, who has actually seen the photos, claims that they show the deceased wearing nothing but his underwear and an old pair of socks—memories of Abu Ghraib, no? In retaliation for the Osama caper al Qaeda seems to have joined forces with an unidentified voodoo sect, for it has issued a “Curse” on the United States. The details of the “Curse” have not been published, but it could be that the United States will become a nation of frogs. These guys play hardball. On a lighter note, several top aides to the Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad have been arrested for using supernatural powers to advance his policies. One or two are actually accused by theoreticians around the ultimate Ayatollah Khamenei of being practicing magicians. Whether any have actually pulled a rabbit from a hat is unknown, but this could be really big. The Arab Spring continues. In Saudi Arabia Mrs. Manal al-Sharif was detained for driving a car, and in Mooresville, North Carolina, 26-year-old NASCAR driver Mr. Kyle Busch was too. He was driving 83 miles an hour over the speed limit.
That Portland, Oregon, mail carrier who defecated in the backyard of Mr. Don Derfler’s neighbor without knowing that the plucky Mr. Derfler was nearby, camera at the ready, has been assigned a different route so that Oregonians hoping to keep an eye on the crafty outdoorsman will have to follow him on Twitter or some other invaluable social network. The authorities are keeping his new route under wraps, much to the displeasure of Mr. Derfler, who says, “To come on to our property to defecate—it’s just wrong.” This is not the last we have heard of Mr. Derfler…and his camera. A rude report released by the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service claims that Harvard State University asked the Service in 1964 to delay a request by Mr. Barack Hussein Obama Sr. to extend his stay in the United States. Harvard, according to the report, was “having difficulty with his financial arrangements and couldn’t seem to figure out how many wives he had.” Mr. Obama died in 1982 when his automobile had an altercation with a tree in Kenya. Moody’s Investors Service presented the very real prospect of downgrading Washington’s Aaa debt rating absent progress on its debt ceiling, and that police officer who used President Robert Mugabe’s private comfort station at the annual Zimbabwe Trade Fair and failed to flush is under arrest in the western city of Bulawayo. Mrs. Beatrice Mtetwa, a leading Zimbabwean human rights lawyer, is handling the case and arguing that the officer only made water and did not do the other thing, which is more serious. The case is pending.
In New York City there seems to have been an outbreak of Bill Clinton Syndrome (BCS). In Manhattan’s posh Sofitel Hotel, Mr. Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the managing director of the International Monetary Fund and the Socialist Party’s frontrunner for the presidency of France, suffered some kind of romantic run-in with a Guinean chambermaid and was arrested on rape charges minutes before his Air France getaway flight was scheduled to transport him and his incriminating DNA to Paris. Mr. Strauss-Kahn, the ravishing 62-year-old beauty known for his silver hair, silver tongue, and slight limp, was returned to Manhattan looking grim-faced and frankly in need of a laxative. Lighten up, DSK! You will be out by your 88th birthday. By month’s end the tart-tongued Congressman Anthony Weiner (pronounced, he insists, vi´-ner), D-NY, also apparently suffered at least the underpants version of BCS, as pictures of his underpants containing what appeared to be a huge Idaho potato were sent from his Twitter account to a nubile cutie in Seattle, Washington. The picture fell into the hands of Mr. Andrew Breitbart, who brought it to the attention of the omnivorous press corps, one of whose members prevailed on the idiotic congressman to say that he could not “with certitude” say they were not his underpants. The Hon. Weiner (alternate pronunciation, wine´-er) spent the rest of the week holding press conferences and one-on-one interviews on the topic of his underpants, underwear in general, and something about intellectual capital. The national debt ceiling was almost completely forgotten.
As for Mr. Bill Clinton himself, he has yet to show up for that public bra fitting at Nordstrom, though you can be sure he is interested in that girl out in Seattle. Meanwhile women may be getting even with the concupiscent male of the species. Police Sergeant Spencer Crum of Sonoma, California, is investigating the case of a fast-talking woman of unknown origins who managed to talk her way into the private quarters of a rather stupid man and give him an enema before completely vanishing. It took the dolt three days to report the felonious event to the police, who now have turned the matter over to the domestic and sexual assault unit of the Sonoma sheriff’s office and had a good laugh. That Guinean woman in Manhattan is redeemed! Former House Speaker Mr. Newt Gingrich declared for the presidency and promptly fell on his sword, calling Congressman Paul Ryan’s health care policy “right-wing extremism.” Mr. Donald Trump withdrew his name as a presidential contender but said he might again run for the presidency in 2012 if things get boring. And speaking of boring, Mr. Mitt Romney is running for the presidency while the pulchritudinous Sarah Palin took off on a bus with members of the press in tow.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian took the easy way out and died in a hospital at 83. He suffered a pulmonary thrombosis. The seventh Earl of Onslow will apparently never complete his defense of slavery for this intellectual review. He died in England May 14, a decade after promising to deliver the controversial manuscript. He was 73. Finally the longest-serving member of the Four Freshmen, Mr. Bob Flanigan, died aged 84. After him came rock & roll, and after rock & roll came Mr. Rush Limbaugh. There are signs of progress as the Crisis continues.
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