Breaking News

Wall Streeters Throw in the Towel

In case you haven't heard…

By 11.4.11

Send to Kindle

Scores of financiers on Wall Street and at brokerage firms around the country have quickly surrendered in the face of further protests by the Occupy Wall Street movement.

"We know when we're beat," said C. Lance Sherman III, seen leaving Goldman Sachs at the close of last Wednesday's trading. "I thought we could stand up to the protesters but it's pretty clear they've got us outnumbered." Sherman has decided to sell all of his own investments and open up a mom and pop grocery store in Teaneck. N.J. "I want to be closer to the people," he explained.

Likewise, Hartley Van Tassell, a 63-year-old banker with the Bank of America, is resigning in disgust. "Listening to the Occupiers convinced me that my life spent making money has been totally useless, so I'm getting out of it after 40 years. I'm way too rich." One Wall Street financier, J.W. Bartholomew, has decided to hand back his $500,000 bonus this year and donate 10 percent of his income to a small neighborhood mortgage company. "I've finally seen the error of my ways," said Bartholomew as he left Trinity Church in downtown Manhattan.

Trish Malone Frobisher, a guilt-ridden hedge fund manager at Morgan Stanley, lamented that she had made so much money when most of her friends were making less. "I've had it with being a greedy bastard," she said. "Next year I plan to do all I can to earn less money. I'm really sick of being among the wealthiest one percent of the country. Bleah!"

Veteran Occupier Ned Schmitz exulted when told the news that so many Wall Street executives had finally seen the light. "I didn't realize we would have such an immediate impact," he said. "It just shows how much you can change people overnight if you really put your mind to it." Schmitz was surprised when a Wall Street firm offered him a job as a day trader, but he turned it down. "It would mean making a lot more money than my current job as bike messenger, and I'd have to give up my tent in the park. No way, pal!"

Kevin T. Scrooge, CEO of Scrooge & Marley and great-great-great grandson of the venerable accounting firm's London founder, told reporters he was persuaded by the Occupiers' arguments to put his multi-billion dollar company up for sale on Craigslist and accept the lowest bid. "If I don't get a low enough offer, I'll just give away the company to Goodwill," said Scrooge as he skipped down Wall Street, whistling merrily.

Like this Article

Print this Article

Print Article
About the Author

Gerald Nachman is the author of Funny: The Rebel Comedians of the 1950s and 1960s, Raised on Radio and Right Here On Our Stage Tonight!: Ed Sullivan's America. He is currently working on a book about the great Broadway musical show-stoppers.