The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the March 2012 issue

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January vanished after consuming the usual 31 days, but not before President Barack Hussein Obama delivered his third State of the Union message to a packed House chamber that included Mr. Warren Buffett's secretary, the callipygian Ms. Debbie Bosanek, who pays a larger percentage in income tax than Mr. Buffett and is not even bitter about it. She earns a normal middle-class income of between $200,000 and $500,000, and Mr. Buffett, who brought her tax rate to the attention of the American people, is "sick and tired" of people looking into the anomalies of her income, her recreational pursuits, and her household pets. As for our President's speech, 27 percent of his audience tuned out after five minutes, many to TBS, USA, and ESPN, according to the Kantar Media report. The Kantar report had no information on how many of the wandering 27 percent left Mr. Obama for the pornographic network or even if there is a pornographic network. Miss Arianna Huffington has been rumored to be interested in launching a pornographic grid with special features, for instance nude cooking and naked bird watching, but it is not clear that even in the digital age there are a sufficient number of pornographs left in the country.

As for the President's speech, I fell asleep but the columnist Mr. Charles Krauthammer says it featured "little things" and tax hikes for the upper 2 percent of the country, which over ten years "wouldn't cover the cost of Obama's 2009 stimulus"—much less his trillion dollar deficits. Mr. Obama finally shut down late in the evening and got lost in the milling crowd after making a final shout for "the rich" to pay their "fair share" of taxes. Afterward, some fink in the Internal Revenue Service reported that 36 of the President's executive office staff owe $833,970 in back taxes, and God knows how many do not wash their hands after going to the bathroom. It was not mentioned in his speech.

The "Republican Establishment" brought out its "Big Guns" against the Crazy Professor who seeks the presidential nomination. On January 27, the Establishment rolled out the grandson of our tenth president, Mr. John Tyler, to render his estimate of the Prof. The 84-year-old Mr. Harrison Ruffin Tyler admitted, "I can't stand watching television," not even Mr. Bill O'Reilly. Nonetheless, he considers himself another conservative who thinks Mr. Gingrich is a "big jerk" who "needs to stick with the same wife." Miss Ann Coulter agreed and ex-Senator Bob Dole also had very unkind things to say about Mr. Gingrich, though the Wall Street Journal complimented both Mr. Gingrich and former Governor Mitt Romney for making "good points" in their debates. Finally, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted that for twenty years she has been living the life of an exhibitionist and will retire from the "high wire" act at the end of Mr. Obama's term. She is tired of lying.

Iran's president Mr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, appearing with a week-old growth on his face and sporting his trademark dirty windbreaker, visited Ecuador, Nicaragua, Cuba, and Venezuela in January, the last two countries being governed by tyrants who are seriously ill and the first two governed by leaders who have been warned about eating food prepared in the United States. Communist China may be showing signs of an irenic softening up. In Shanghai, nearly 1,000 young "office workers and students" participated in a gigantic pillow fight. Officials said it was meant to allay stress, though China-watchers would not rule out that the 1,000 physically fit youth were part of a secret commando unit preparing to invade North Korea, where the newly designated strongman, Mr. Kim Jong-un, is according to National Review's Mr. Rob Long preparing "an all girl topless and bottomless army" to repel any invaders. Meanwhile, Mr. Kim's half-brother Kim Jong-nam has apparently renounced his interest in becoming a citizen of Tokyo's Disneyland and has set his sights on more distant shores, perhaps Disney World in Orlando, Florida, or serving as the head of the John F. Kennedy School of Government. On January 10, thousands of people around the world observed the annual No Pants Day, taking their trousers off en route to work. It is not known if Congressman Barney Frank observed No Pants Day, but the 71-year-old eccentric did announce plans to marry a much younger Mr. Jim Ready, 42, now that Mr. Ready has had charges of marijuana possession dismissed. Mr. Ready, a carpenter, welder, and all-around handyman, acknowledged a lesser charge of civil possession of the weed. Congressman Frank does not use the substance, as he suffers from claustrophobia and halitosis. "I'm in love for the first time in my life," he sang out to a startled Mr. Charlie Rose on his television show. The festivities take place at the end of the congressional term.

A young Muslim pietist apparently outraged by the lewd and homoerotic architecture of the Pentagon and other military-related buildings has been sentenced to 25 years in the clink for shooting at the buildings. Back in 2010, Mr. Yonathan Melaku (pronounced me like u), 24, spent an evening listening to loud music on his car radio and firing methodically at the buildings, which in accordance with Mr. Obama's orders did not fire back. No one was hurt. And here is a cautionary note for those who insist on bedizening their bodies with tattoos. A 21-year-old Iranian man who had the letter "M" (his girlfriend's initial) and the Iranian expression "borow be salaamat" (translated roughly, "Good luck with your journeys, meathead") tattooed on his penis has been left with a semi-erection. The man, whose name is being withheld by the Iranian virtue police lest he be torn apart by nubile Iranian cuties, has been diagnosed with nonischemic priapism, a condition closely associated with the career of the 42nd president of the United States. Doctors have been trying to relieve the man's condition with ice compresses and diverting music, though from the Iranian backcountry Ayatollah Cockamamie has offered a more certain cure. Also from holy Iran comes word that the very same virtue police agitated by the aforementioned young man's nonischemic priapism have closed dozens of toyshops for selling Barbie dolls. It is not precisely known how the dolls gave offense, but they appear in swimsuits and miniskirts and do not wear the 100 percent cotton underwear as prescribed in various fatwas.

Planned Parenthood Inc. could take a bow after the Cleveland zoo persuaded a cute young Bornean orangutan named Kira to wear a birth control device, making her the first orangutan to do so in the nation! A women's health specialist from the Cleveland Clinic provided the expertise, and whether Kira will be eligible for sex education courses as other young students of the Cleveland school system could not be learned. She already has an astonishing knowledge of her sexual anatomy owing to body lice. Death took the life of the last surviving member of General Francisco Franco's center-right regime in Spain, Mr. Manuel Fraga Iribarne. He was 89 and died of natural causes. Mr. Joe Paterno, the legendary football coach, died after finishing a so-so season, and on January 24 the novelist Mrs. Edith Wharton would have been 150 years old had she lived. Of course, she did not. She died in 1937. And here is one for you. The last significant Occupiers encampment, the Occupy D.C. stragglers, found themselves shut down by the National Park Service on January 30 even as the left-wing journals deliriously sing out about the movement's rising tide among the 99 percent (see "Current Wisdom" for the last few months). What does that tell us about the left's grip on reality??

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About the Author
R. Emmett Tyrrell, Jr. is the founder and editor in chief of The American Spectator. He is the author of The Death of Liberalism, published by Thomas Nelson Inc. His previous books include the New York Times bestseller Boy Clinton: the Political Biography; The Impeachment of William Jefferson Clinton; The Liberal Crack-Up; The Conservative Crack-Up; Public Nuisances; The Future that Doesn't Work: Social Democracy's Failure in Britain; Madame Hillary: The Dark Road to the White House; The Clinton Crack-Up; and After the Hangover: The Conservatives' Road to Recovery.