The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the April 2012 issue

February passed and not a day too soon, though it being leap year February did include the customary 29th day. All hell broke out in Afghanistan when American soldiers, treating tainted copies of the Holy Koran as though they were mere Bibles, burned them without asking permission from a mullah or even from the pious Afghan down the hallway, quietly eating his meal of boiled socks. Indigenous galoots shot four NATO soldiers at their desks, and the whole country seemed to surge out of control. Our President issued his well-practiced and all-purpose apology, but the Afghan officials' only response was to demand the prosecution of the infidel arsonists and more foreign aid. Meanwhile, in Iraq car bombs kept going off in Shiite neighborhoods.

Fortunately, we can move on from this unwelcome news for February was a delightfully busy month in the life of M. Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former chief of the International Monetary Fund and the Socialist Party's frontrunner for the presidency of France before his mishap with a sexually voracious housekeeper at New York's Sofitel hotel. DSK enlivened the news, beginning on February 7. On that day the New York Times, under the front-page headline "For Hotel Staff, Panic Buttons," reported that since the diplomat's unfortunate misunderstanding with the housekeeper all her colleagues have been supplied with panic buttons. Then on February 22 the suave boulevardier was tossed into a French clink in Lille, France, on suspicion of engaging women of delights in orgies held in Brussels, Paris, and Washington. It is not illegal in France to engage prostitutes for light conversation and even sexual congress, but it is malum prohibitum if they are paid with embezzled funds, as the authorities suspect. DSK's lawyer, the illustrious M. Henri Leclerc, has publicly challenged the authorities because "He [DSK] could easily not have known [that the cuties were prostitutes], because as you can imagine, at these kinds of parties you're not always dressed, and I challenge you to tell a naked prostitute from a naked worldly woman." Ha-ha, "worldly woman"—that is a good one, Henri. Was it all part of a tragically gone—awry aerobics class? DSK spent the night in an 80-square-foot cell with only a hole in the floor for a toilet—not even a bidet. And there is one more DSK news story. Late in the month it was revealed that the drop-dead beautiful ladies' man and his wife, the imperturbable Mme. Anne Sinclair, owe $35,556.17 in taxes on their Georgetown mansion. About this time, France made news yet again when President Nicolas Sarkozy sought refuge from a mob in a saloon, the Bar du Palais, and an anonymous French villager sued Google for publishing a photo of him evacuating in his own garden—more on this later.

As Russian national elections drew nigh, Prime Minister Vladimir Putin appeared ever more frequently in public without his shirt: toting a gun! riding a horse! swimming the butterfly stroke, possibly without his Speedo! We have seen more of his pectoralis majors than those of Miss Paris Hilton, and she has the decency to wear a bikini. At least wear a bikini, Vlad, or put your shirt back on. Those hairless pecs are disgusting, and, by the way, it is about time you get a toupee like Senator Jean-François Kerry. The proprietors of Ben & Jerry's ice creamery are planning to join with other fat cat socialists in donating munificently to the Occupy Movement, if they can find it. It has almost completely vanished across the country, though the Liberal press keeps whooping it up for these evanescing degenerates. There is, however, life in Occupy Oakland. Police arrested three aggressive Occupy Oakland fundraisers, charging them with hate crimes against a woman whose wallet they lifted. "She was surrounded by the three protesters [that is fundraisers] and battered as they yelled vulgar epithets regarding their perception of her sexual orientation," noted Oakland Police spokeswoman Miss Johnna Watson. In Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Miss Padge Victoria Windslowe, known to her family and friends as the "Black Madam," faces charges for injecting an exotic dancer with illegal buttocks-enhancement injections. Miss Windslowe was arrested just as she was about to begin a "pumping party" at a posh Philadelphia hotel. While none of her procedures is presently covered by Medicaid, there is language in Obamacare that looks very promising. Army Pfc. Bradley Manning, the so-called WikiLeaks leaker, was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, not even three years after the prize was awarded to President Barack Obama. So this is no joke. Rioting broke out in western China between the Han Chinese and the Uighur ethnic minority, and near Shanghai two men were arrested for stealing a bridge.

Bird watchers were particularly active in Turlock, California, where 50,000 chickens were left to fend for themselves by Mr. Andrew Keung Chung, who ran out of money to feed them. A third of the birds perished before birders all over the area sprang into action. Now Miss Kimberly Sturla of Animal Place reports exultantly, "We're thrilled to know they're going to let us in and save several thousand birds. We're going to give them another chance at life." That is, before Mr. Chung steps in and sends them to slaughter. And what about this story from China's Anhui province: Mr. Huang Li's rooster is laying eggs! The rooster presided over a brood of seven hens, before Mr. Huang ate them and left the proud bird bereft. Soon, however, the rooster took things into his own hands and began laying eggs. Word of the epiphany spread to a local TV station, which loves a good egg story, and now Chinese scientists have taken Mr. Huang's rooster for examination and doubtless to ascertain whether the bird can be put to military purposes. In entertainment news, ex-senator John Edwards's mistress, Miss Rielle Hunter, has won exclusive ownership of those sex tapes featuring her and the 2008 Democratic candidate for president in various stages of dishabille, to say nothing of the raptures. Two months after coming to power, North Korea's youthful dictator, Mr. Kim Jong Un (pronounced kim young un), has agreed to suspend both uranium-enrichment and further testing of long-range missiles, in exchange for at least 240,000 tons of foodstuffs, including popcorn and pretzels. Mr. Kim adores junk food.

Mr. James Q. Wilson passed away. Mr. Wilson, along with Messrs. Milton Friedman, Edward Banfield, Irving Kristol, and Pat Moynihan, was a major force in the growth of this magazine. Now all are gone. Also Mr. Andrew Breitbart, the wizard of new media conservatism, died. And forget not Mr. Davy Jones of the Monkees, the only member of the group that did not actually look like a monkey. In London, England, an embarrassing outbreak of Tourette syndrome left weatherman Mr. Alex Deakin blurting out "bucket loads of c**t" rather than the more conventional "bucket loads of sunshine," and the Daily Caller reports that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) euthanized more than 95 percent of the pets it took in in 2011. What became of the remaining pets is unknown, though there is always lunch. Finally, on the Clinton front there was late-breaking news. Hoping to catch that armed robber in Iowa City, Iowa, who stole a $250 sex doll from an adult bookstore, the cops have released footage showing the lusty fiend carrying the doll away. Billed as a "mega masturbator," the doll was on sale at the Romantix Pleasure Palace before the Bill Clinton look-alike stole it. There are more hijinks ahead.

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About the Author
R. Emmett Tyrrell, Jr. is the founder and editor in chief of The American Spectator. He is the author of The Death of Liberalism, published by Thomas Nelson Inc. His previous books include the New York Times bestseller Boy Clinton: the Political Biography; The Impeachment of William Jefferson Clinton; The Liberal Crack-Up; The Conservative Crack-Up; Public Nuisances; The Future that Doesn't Work: Social Democracy's Failure in Britain; Madame Hillary: The Dark Road to the White House; The Clinton Crack-Up; and After the Hangover: The Conservatives' Road to Recovery.