The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the June 2012 issue

April dovetailed nicely into May, and I waited patiently for May 8 to come around, and with it the publication of my new book, The Death of Liberalism. It is very sad for some people. In Cartagena on April 15, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was spotted at the Café Havana, dancing tipsily and downing beer from the bottle. There was no sign of husband Bill anywhere, and for that matter the entire Infantile Left seems to have gone underground. What they will find underground is unclear. Possibly they will encounter former senator John Edwards concealing himself from those sex tapes of him and his former paramour Miss Rielle Hunter, or former congressman Anthony Weiner preparing a chaste return to public life, possibly as a nun. Perhaps they are all moving to Nantes, France. There an entrepreneur anticipating the hard times facing formerly alive Liberals has established in an 18th century villa, the Villa Hamster. In it Mr. Yann Falquerho treats guests as though they were hamsters, putting them in cages rather than rooms, giving them hay stacks for beds, and running them on human-sized wheels. Mr. Falquerho explains that his Villa Hamster gives guests a respite from “the daily stresses of being human.” It could be the perfect place for ex-Liberals to live out their remaining days.

President Barack Obama arrived in Cartagena, Colombia, on April 13, too late to participate in clandestine Secret Service maneuvers involving as many as 20 nubile cuties. He did arrive in time to lead from behind at a Summit of the Americas meeting that was probably the least successful since these summits began—lead from behind, indeed. There was a lack of consensus on allowing undemocratic Cuba to join the group, on Argentina’s claim to the Falkland Islands (which our president mistook for the Maldives), and on the decriminalization of drugs, though there was tacit agreement that Colombia probably has the best looking hookers in the world, and they are reasonably priced. Police in Sanford, Florida, are still looking for an unidentified man caught on a surveillance camera in a local Walgreens urinating on 100 packages of cough drops. Why cough drops when there was junk food nearby? The question has stumped investigators. Also from sleepy Sanford comes word that Mr. George Zimmerman will be prosecuted for the murder of Mr. Trayvon Martin in an apparent reversal of an earlier decision against prosecution. The two stories are supposedly unrelated, but who knows? Trayvon may have had a thing about cough drops. And apparently the sunlight in pristine Switzerland is not all that it is cracked up to be. The Swiss newspaper Tages-Anzeiger reports that an as-yet-unnamed woman who was attempting to live on a diet solely of sunlight has died. So take that, you environmental wackos! I shall take the air of downtown Gary, Indiana, any day. Pollution can be nutritional. Indeed, pollution saves lives!

On April 13, North Korea commanded the attention of the world when it launched a giant firecracker disguised as a three-stage missile. The thing remained airborne for hardly two minutes before plopping into the sea. The North Korean despot, Mr. Kim Jong Eun (pronounced yung un), whose age is estimated at anywhere between 14 and 29 years (he has yet to shave), had long been suspected by intelligence experts of having a large stash of firecrackers, some rather powerful, but they had not imagined that he would have one capable of staying aloft for almost two minutes, and where did he get it? The Chinese stopped selling him anything larger than a ladyfinger years ago. The Central Intelligence Agency will have its hands full this time.

In the Disagreeable People Department, we must place the name of a leading Islamic scholar and best-selling author, though skip trying to pronounce his name. He is Mr. Hazrat Maulana Ashraf Ali Thanvi, and he is described as a “prolific writer on almost every topic of Islamic learning.” Now comes his marriage guide titled A Gift for Muslim Couples that states emphatically a husband may scold his wife or wives, “beat [them] by hand or stick,” deny them money, “pull [them] by the ears,” but also employ leniency—for instance, “refrain from beating her [them] excessively.” The book is sold out in Canada. Also, in South Wales, Mr. Paul Hayward has made the grade. A subscriber to the left-wing Guardian and probably to the New York Review of Books, Mr. Hayward is described as “the neighbor from hell” who has spent a decade ordering hundreds of unwanted taxis, Chinese take-out, and two tons of coal to his victimized neighbors. Mr. Hayward’s neighbor, Ms. Patricia Jones, said it all began when he started banging and scratching on her walls, throwing stones on her roof, and constantly watching her. He installed cameras and mirrors in his garden to keep an eye on her along with neighbors Mr. Jim Thomas and his wife, who did not like it one bit. Mr. Hayward’s legal counsel said he only wanted to cause “stress” for his neighbors and test their mettle, but authorities were not persuaded. He was sentenced to 14 months in the calaboose for breaching an anti-social behavior order. It got him to move to a new neighborhood, possibly in Hollywood, California.

Environmentalists and even many consumerists leapt in delight with the news at month’s end that first quarter Gross Domestic Product only grew 2.2 percent, and over in the United Kingdom there is even better news for environmentalists. The UK is back in recession! On the Bird Watching front, a number of Birders were shot to death at a cockfight in rural Edcouch (pronounced ed koch), Texas, when masked gunmen invaded their ceremonies and began firing. No birds were injured, but the fact that three spectators were dead and eight were injured gives rise to speculation that the masked men were members of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). PETA is a longtime opponent of Bird Watching and even opposes taxidermy.

A case of mad cow disease has appeared in California, and no one knows why the cow is so angry. Now here is an exciting breakthrough. Transgender women will be participating in the Miss Universe beauty pageant next year, if they get their operations done in time. Pageant officials agreed to change the wording of their official rules for next year to allow Miss Jenna Talackova to compete, and we can expect all kinds of beauties in the years to come, but not Mr. Gareth Williams, the promising member of the UK’s supersecret counterterrorism unit of MI6. He is dead. He died in a sexual misadventure involving bondage and “claustrophilia.” Claustrophilia involves situations wherein a participant derives sexual thrills from being shut off in an enclosed space. For Mr. Williams the space was a North Face duffle bag found with the deceased in it at the bottom of a tub in his upscale London apartment. Also found were $30,000 worth of ladies’ high-fashion clothing, including Christian Louboutin shoes, Christian Dior dresses, and a pair of perfectly pressed underpants. MI6 knew of Mr. Williams’ sexual preferences but saw no reason to remove him from the counterterrorism unit because under MI6’s latest, most enlightened regulations, according to an unflappable female agent testifying at a London hearing, “Individuals have lifestyle and sexual choices and sexual preferences which are perfectly legitimate.” Though if only Mr. Williams could have gotten out of that duffel bag he could have competed in next year’s Miss Universe contest. The Crisis is ongoing.

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About the Author
R. Emmett Tyrrell, Jr. is the founder and editor in chief of The American Spectator. He is the author of The Death of Liberalism, published by Thomas Nelson Inc. His previous books include the New York Times bestseller Boy Clinton: the Political Biography; The Impeachment of William Jefferson Clinton; The Liberal Crack-Up; The Conservative Crack-Up; Public Nuisances; The Future that Doesn't Work: Social Democracy's Failure in Britain; Madame Hillary: The Dark Road to the White House; The Clinton Crack-Up; and After the Hangover: The Conservatives' Road to Recovery.