Streetcar Line

Racists of the World, Unite

Rise up against the pasty white brie-eating media.

By 8.31.12

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The left has us pegged. They have identified all the secret racists on our side. They know how to call a spade a spade.

If you call a black man "angry," you are a racist.

If you call a black man "arrogant," you are a racist.

If you say that a black president plays too much golf, you are a racist.

If you ever say that welfare should include work requirements, as in the law that Bill Clinton signed and spent years (falsely) taking credit for, you are a racist.

If you complain, along with the experts who helped write and pass a welfare reform law, that the law's work requirements are being gutted by an (illegal) executive waiver of, yes, the work requirement, you are a racist.

If you talk about border security, you are a racist.

If you say that a president does not harbor the traditional views about what makes America great, you are a racist.

If you note that the president often wrote and spoke movingly about the great influence that a particular preacher had on him, and that the preacher is a white-hating, America-bashing radical, then you are a racist.

If you note, accurately, that some American judges have made rulings waiving American law in favor of sharia law, you are a racist.

If you use the word "dark" anywhere within six sentences of the name "Barack Obama," you are a racist.

If you oppose policies that treat people differently, for purposes of college admissions or drawing political district lines, you are a racist.

If you say that civil rights laws are meant to protect citizens of all races, even whites, you are a racist.

If you list hundreds of examples of voter fraud and think voters should be required to show identification, just as visitors to the Justice Department are required to do, you are a racist.

If you think that a civil-rights conviction that effectively has already been won -- against ex-convict, weapon-wielding, racial-invective-spewing goons -- should not be dropped, especially without public explanation, you are a racist.

If you cite specific instances, with numerous witnesses, of Justice Department officials saying they would not apply certain civil rights laws (or not apply them equally), you are a racist.

If you note that a president claimed a well-known Communist poet as his childhood mentor, you are a racist.

If you suggest that idolizing an absentee father who was a bigamist Kenyan radical might give a person a worldview a tad unusual for most Americans, you are a racist.

If you suggest that white lacrosse players should not be convicted without proof of raping a black stripper, you are a racist.

If you suggest that an over-eager Neighborhood Watch volunteer who tragically shot and killed a young black man might have acted for reasons other than racial animus -- even if you still say the shooter might have committed a crime -- you are a racist.

If you suggest that the prevalent definition of "hate crime," and the use of statutes pertaining thereto as a way to increase sentences based not on the action itself but on the alleged thoughts motivating it, is a violation of equal justice under the law, you are a racist.

If you say there's no excuse for the establishment media to take an anti-Semitic, racial-incident-instigating, false-police-accusing scofflaw, and treat him as a legitimate and respected political leader, you are a racist.

If you note that a liberal president has severely relaxed rules for food stamps and that food stamp rolls have vastly increased on his watch, you are a racist.

If you suggest that an attorney general who happens to be black has prevaricated about a gun-running sting gone badly wrong, you are not really worried about the tragic mistake or the cover-up thereof; you are a racist.

In fact, if you object to any policies or actions of said AG or his political appointees, you are a racist.

If you even dare to suggest that the federal government should be limited, you are racist.

Especially if you suggest that federal social services are inefficient, you are not just racist, but a vicious and particularly dangerous racist.

If you are a conservative white southerner, you are by definition a racist. (And if you are a conservative black person, you are by definition an Uncle Tom.)

If you shout "U.S.A.! U.S.A.!" at a party convention, especially if a Latino speaker is at the podium, you are a racist. (By some lights, if you pronounce yourself a patriot in any way, shape, or form, you are a racist.)

If you defend anybody accused of being a racist, you are a racist.

If you vote Republican most of the time, you are a racist. If you support the Tea Party movement, you are a racist. If you are a conservative of any sort, you are a racist….

Okay, then: No matter what my or your long history of fighting racism may be, I am a racist and so probably are you. And, by those lights, I am damn proud of it.

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About the Author
Quin Hillyer is a senior editor of The American Spectator and a senior fellow at the Center for Individual Freedom. Follow him on Twitter @QuinHillyer.