So much is said about the decline of the nuclear family and so
little about how and why and what to do about it that when
objective data on the subject surfaces, it’s worthwhile to take
note. Sure there are overworked mothers and absent fathers but what
about working mothers who are distracted and present fathers who
are overlooked? That’s one of the many fascinating observations
made in a forthcoming book Fast-Forward Family, from which
an excerpt was posted last week at the
Atlantic online. The book was edited by two professors
and is based on data collected by a team of UCLA researchers who,
between 2001 and 2004, tracked the lives of 32 dual-earning
middle-class families living in Los Angeles. There’s surprising and
predictable news in the research — as well as an
easier-said-than-done solution.
The study’s narrow focus is helpful. Researchers zeroed in on
the reception mothers and fathers give each other and receive from
their children within the first two minutes of coming home from
work and whether gender played a role. They observed via recorded
video the “[s]eemingly trivial behaviors like greeting or noticing
a returning family member” and, after three years, found that such
behavior “turn[s] out to be consequential for opening lines of
communication and nourishing parent-child and couple
relationships.”
In this sample, working mothers arrived home earlier than
fathers over half of the time — fathers typically worked two hours
longer — and were usually in contact with their children first. The
good news: Despite this, and contrary to media stereotypes — or
heck, even the accounts of my own girlfriends — over half of
the time, husbands and wives generally greeted each other
“positively” or in an affectionate way.
However, the good news ends there. While the study showed
husbands were distracted some of the time when their wives returned
from work after them, wives were distracted on almost half
of the occasions that their husbands returned home. Money
quote:
Wives were not oblivious to their husbands’ arrival. Rather,
they were usually caught up in a swirl of tasks […] that precluded
giving their husbands their full attention…Preoccupation with
housework and childcare and the later hour of fathers’ arrival home
cannot fully account for these observed levels of distraction,
however. It takes only a few seconds to turn one’s attention away
from what one is doing to greet a returning partner, and fathers
frequently were not granted even the briefest whiff of
recognition.
As if modeling themselves on their mother, “children welcomed
returning fathers differently from [how they welcomed] mothers on
their arriving home from work.” Kids welcomed dads with positive
behaviors (hugging etc.) in only 44 percent of the homecomings,
compared to 59 percent of the homecomings of their mothers.
“[W]hile mothers were frequently ignored, fathers were
characteristically ignored by at least one of their
children.” The mother’s example can’t totally be blamed. Even
the researchers thought dad’s longer hours — which gave children
time to be preoccupied with other things — could play a role.
Though dads received a positive reaction from at least one child
every time he returned home, it wasn’t enough. It may surprise some
to learn the lack of these small greetings mattered a lot: both
parents savored positive contact with their kids and were let down
when they were ignored.
I was even more astonished — and saddened — to realize
researchers found a distracted child or spouse within those first
120 seconds home “set the tone of subsequent interactions
throughout the evening. Positive greetings gave way to smooth,
rewarding social exchanges, while distraction disappointed the
returning parent, which may have contributed to fathers spending
less time with other family members on weekday evenings.”
How many nights, upon my husband’s arrival home, have I or my
children given him a quick nod as we might the UPS delivery person
dropping off an expected package? Who knew, “Honey I’m home!”
pivoted so much on the axis of healthy child-parent, husband-wife
behaviors? I should have known. As a child I relished the return of
my Dad from work — and showed it with zeal — from the time I can
remember to Christmas breaks home from college.
To be sure, our hyper-connected world enables a level of
distraction with which previous generations of families didn’t feel
compelled to compete. The study concluded: “Some parents may have
reconciled themselves to the disappointment of being ignored or
being a secondary concern of their children or spouses when they
walked through the door at the end of the day…[which] can adversely
affect the quality of family relationships.” What a shame to
negatively affect my relationship with my husband, and my children
with their Dad, because we were too “busy” or “distracted.” Surely
two minutes of attention is worth it for an entire evening of
happiness.
