The American Spectator

By early next year, I will have red America humming along at 4 percent unemployment. California and Massachusetts can raise taxes to put a chicken in every pot and a Planned Parenthood office on every corner. Can I count on your support for my proposal?

Sincerely,
W. Mitt Romney

Dear Mr. Romney—

Psychologists have identified stages of grief in people suffering a tremendous loss, and you are clearly still in stage three: bargaining. But, alas, your proposal simply won’t go. First, there’s the practical matter of passing such an amendment through the Democratic Senate, controlled by Harry Reid. Second—how can I put this gently?—the proposal seems awful on its merits. What if, while planning troop movements in the middle of war, the two presidents are unable to come to a joint decision? Do they simply play rock-paper-scissors to break the tie?

Call me when you reach the fourth stage of grief, depression, and I shall take you out for a drink. (Well, I’ll have a drink. You can have a Shirley Temple.)
—GWP

Dear Dr. Plunkitt—

I am a paleontologist of some note, and have recently discovered a new species of dinosaur. Per scientific custom, it is my prerogative to christen the beast, and, being politically conservative, I had hoped to name it after our 45th president. Mittasaurus.

Researchers have already named a lichen after Barack Obama. The memory of George W. Bush will live on whenever future generations think of A. bushi, one of the great slime-mold beetles of the world.

It is excruciating to me how far left the academy tilts. My new find is a ferocious predator, larger even than T. Rex. I would have very much enjoyed watching my colleagues squirm as they described Mittasaurus, the largest carnivore ever to live.

But November’s disastrous results have stymied my plan. What am I to do?

Perplexedly,
Dr. Archibald J. McKenzie
Brookwater College

Dear Dr. McKenzie—

Frankly, i’ve never understood why scientific nomenclature is so enamored with Latin. Why not buck convention and use a more interesting dead language, maybe Zarphatic or Khwarezmian or one of the Apabhramśa dialects? Or why not use an obscure living language? I’ve been told !Xóõ is nice. Plus it would be entertaining to hear scientists attempt to make all those clicking sounds.
—GWP