Dr. George Washington Plunkitt, our prize-winning political analyst, has recently retired from a staff position with the House Ethics Committee and is working on volume one of his memoirs, tentatively titled Screams From My Father. But he has graciously consented to once again advise American statesmen in these times of trouble.
(Page 2 of 2)
By early next year, I will have red America humming along at 4 percent unemployment. California and Massachusetts can raise taxes to put a chicken in every pot and a Planned Parenthood office on every corner. Can I count on your support for my proposal?
W. Mitt Romney
Dear Mr. Romney—
Psychologists have identified stages of grief in people suffering a tremendous loss, and you are clearly still in stage three: bargaining. But, alas, your proposal simply won’t go. First, there’s the practical matter of passing such an amendment through the Democratic Senate, controlled by Harry Reid. Second—how can I put this gently?—the proposal seems awful on its merits. What if, while planning troop movements in the middle of war, the two presidents are unable to come to a joint decision? Do they simply play rock-paper-scissors to break the tie?
Call me when you reach the fourth stage of grief, depression,
and I shall take you out for a drink. (Well, I’ll have a drink. You
can have a Shirley Temple.)
Dear Dr. Plunkitt—
I am a paleontologist of some note, and have recently discovered a new species of dinosaur. Per scientific custom, it is my prerogative to christen the beast, and, being politically conservative, I had hoped to name it after our 45th president. Mittasaurus.
Researchers have already named a lichen after Barack Obama. The memory of George W. Bush will live on whenever future generations think of A. bushi, one of the great slime-mold beetles of the world.
It is excruciating to me how far left the academy tilts. My new find is a ferocious predator, larger even than T. Rex. I would have very much enjoyed watching my colleagues squirm as they described Mittasaurus, the largest carnivore ever to live.
But November’s disastrous results have stymied my plan. What am I to do?
Dr. Archibald J. McKenzie
Dear Dr. McKenzie—
Frankly, i’ve never understood why scientific nomenclature is so
enamored with Latin. Why not buck convention and use a more
interesting dead language, maybe Zarphatic or Khwarezmian or one of
the Apabhramśa dialects? Or why not use an obscure living language?
I’ve been told !Xóõ is nice. Plus it would be entertaining to hear
scientists attempt to make all those clicking sounds.
A man of faith in a godless age is hitting Americans where it hurts.
Mr. and Mrs. American Spectator Reader, let P.J. O’Rourke talk sense to your kids.
In Britain, defending your property can get you life.
The debacle of this president’s administration is both a cause and a symptom of the decline of American values. Unless Congress impeaches him, that decline will go on unchecked. An eminent jurist surveys the damage and assesses the chances for the recovery of our culture.
It won’t take long for conservatives to scratch this presidential wannabe off their 2008 scorecard.
The American Christmas, like the songs that celebrate it, makes room for everybody under the rainbow. Is that why so many people seem to be hostile to it?
Was the President done in by the economy, or by the politics of the economy?
H/T to National Review Online