The American Spectator : Saved by OnStar

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Saved by OnStar

By Ben Stein on 2.12.13 @ 8:23AM

A midnight rescue in scary Baldwin Park.

Monday
Difficult day, beset by some kind of digestive problems.

But I don’t want to dwell on them. I did have a moving and emotional talk with my old editor from Barron’s, Jim Meagher. Jim was a brave, fearless, intelligent editor. He edited my many writings about Drexel and about Milken and about management buyouts. So when I wanted to write something about the proposed Dell management buyout, of course I called Meagher.

To my horror, he told me his beautiful wife had passed away about a year ago. I remember her well. She was as lovely as the day is long and they were totally in love.

I started to sob so much I could not continue the conversation. How do widows and widowers do it? How can they bear up under the stress? How can they bear the unbearable, to coin a phrase?

Those of us who still have our wives and husbands — let’s be grateful. More than that. Prostrate with gratitude.

Speaking of which, about five days ago, Big Wifey and I were driving back from the desert to L.A. on superhighway 10. For some reason we never learned, there was a roadblock and 10 was totally shut down westbound around Baldwin Park. That is a largely industrial neighborhood I know nothing of.

Traffic was routed onto a surface street. But there was no detour route marked out. There were no highway patrol people, no signs, no lights — nada. It was midnight.

We might as well have been on the moon. We were totally lost. Then I remembered OnStar. OnStar is a service offered by GM and maybe some other companies, too. When you press that button (if you are a subscriber, which you had better be), a live human being comes on the line. That being finds you on a map. Tells you where you are, then tells you how to get back on the freeway going west past the roadblock and back to home.

In this case, the voice belonged to a charming Canadian woman named Mary and she did a perfect job. She got us right back onto the freeway where we wanted to be. It was a miracle. We were hopelessly lost, no place open, no clue of where we were — and one button press and we were saved. She had a friendly, cheerful, reassuring voice and we love her. We were back on the freeway in five minutes.

It was a miracle like in the Bible. If I can help it, neither I nor anyone I love will ever be without OnStar. And don’t say, “What about the GPS on your phone?” Yes, I have GPS on my phone. But I can’t set it while I am driving. OnStar is totally hands free after you press that first button.

I wish I had something like that for every other part of my life. A voice to guide me in the right direction. Maybe I do.

In the meantime, OnStar. The smart way to find your way.

About the Author

Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Beverly Hills and Malibu. He writes “Ben Stein’s Diary” for every issue of The American Spectator.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (45) | Leave a comment Leave a comment

Denver Todd| 2.12.13 @ 9:03AM

There is also GPS on your smart phone, as well as devices like Garmin.

C. Vernon Crisler | 2.12.13 @ 9:40AM

Garmin is terrific.

obadiah| 2.12.13 @ 9:04AM

Never leave the gated compound in your scroogemobile unless you have ONSTAR to guide you. If you go overseas, take your DRONEs to clear the field of bad guys. ONSTAR and DRONES keep America FREE!

Frank Drackman| 2.12.13 @ 9:06AM

I'm surprised Ben, an Old School Fool like yourself...
I myself drive a Government Motors product, 08' ZO6 Vette that I literally stole from a Shyster, and "Pussy Magnet " doesn't do it Justice, and once in a while I get lost in one of the scary parts of the A-T-L("The City too busy to hate", We would hate you, if we weren't so damn busy) and I use this really great system for finding where you are..
It's called MAP(S)

Frank

C.B.| 2.12.13 @ 11:18AM

Nothing like the power of that LS7 engine is there, Frank? '11 Carbon here...

Bob Grant| 2.12.13 @ 12:06PM

One would think Franks' quips would be enough of a P Magnet.

Cobalt| 2.12.13 @ 12:59PM

A Corvette with an LS7 engine? What is "LS" an acronym for, "Lickity-Split"?

Hardcard| 2.12.13 @ 9:06AM

Benny,
You really are a hopeless putz. On star is like the bible, and a schmuck. Does E.Bob pay you for this crap? Take a nap !

Trish Trotter.| 2.12.13 @ 9:09AM

Saved by OnStar: A Midnight Rescue in Scarey Baldwin Park

Ben, when I read the title I anticipated a story of high drama and heart-thumping suspense. What a letdown!

"Difficult day, beset by some kind of digestive problem." That first sentence grabbed me; you were off to a good start, and then . . . the story piffled out.

Why don't you write about you and your wifey's frequent medical maladies. That would make fascinating reading. I'll bet both of you are pill poppers.

And one last thing: you will have fewer digestive problems when you stop eating like a pig.

Nevertheless, I love you. Will You Be Mine, my Sweet Valentine?

doramin| 2.12.13 @ 9:21AM

Yeah...with a title like that I was at least hoping for a thrilling tale of a real-life Grand Theft Auto-style adventure....

...Mr. Hollywood and all that.

And stop enabling "T".

Trish Trotter.| 2.12.13 @ 10:00AM

Ben, about that pill popping:

If you should happen to drop one of your pills on the floor, one of your dogs might gobble it down before you could bend over and pick it up (God forbid!)

So you and your wifey should be extra careful when taking your medicines. You're getting old, but you don't want to be Mr. Fumble Jumble, do you?

Another helpful tip from your devoted Trish.

bustunloose| 2.12.13 @ 11:21AM

Is Trish a dish ? Or a T-you the last letter in LGBT ? Give us a verbal pic at least of your ass.

bustunloose| 2.12.13 @ 11:22AM

Assets. Sorry.

Bob Grant| 2.12.13 @ 12:10PM

bust,

I hope you bring more to the table than THAT.

We already have Mr. Drackman for THAT.

He's funny tho.

bustunloose| 2.12.13 @ 5:42PM

What are you a talent scout ? Such a great judge of talent, as well' Considered Odeonell and akin and angle 5 star candidates. What a brain.

holmegm| 2.12.13 @ 11:10AM

This is just crazy blatant blogvertizing. Wow.

Did she then direct you to the nearest showing of Skyfall?

SCPOret| 2.12.13 @ 11:13AM

I cannot sing the praises of OnStar. I lost my brother-in-law due to their failure to respond when he was in an accident. Their excuse was that he was in an area that didn't have cell phone coverage. This was patently false in that the police and the people who witnessed the accident all use cell phones at the scene to call for help. Also by the fact that OnStar worked when the button was pushed. They lied about responding when they detected an automobile had been involved in an accident. They lied again when they said it didn't have cell coverage.
OnStar is not the savior it advertises itself to be.

bustunloose| 2.12.13 @ 11:17AM

I guess the Pentagon might have contracted a need for OnStar out to the private sector-but since the inital work involved tax dollars then Al Gore or somebody gets credit-under no circumstance did the people who really built it get the credit.

bustunloose| 2.12.13 @ 11:13AM

The Obama justice dept is suing OnStar. Not enough voice diversity. Soon you can enjoy you customer sevice person to be talking eubonics,
spanish,and let us not forget that air head Valley Girl language-it still is out there. Those of you who want these oh so white Canadiens who speak the King's English so impecably will have to recieve mandatory sensitivity training.

SteelersSteve| 2.12.13 @ 10:01PM

Sorry to nit-pick, but the OnStar woman who responded to Mr. Stein was a Canadian (with an a).

The Canadiens (with an e) are not all Canadian, some have even been American, and of those who are Canadian, some speak French and not the King's English. They are too busy playing hockey in Montreal to work for OnStar. (although during the recent NHL lockout that is now over, they did have the free time to do that)

bustunloose| 2.13.13 @ 1:34PM

Canucks speak a rather clear , high quality form of english in my book at least. I have weak eyes-gonna get examined soon-part of growing old.

Rhoetus| 2.14.13 @ 10:19PM

Eh?

Anthony| 2.12.13 @ 11:14AM

"I wish I had something like that for every other part of my life. A voice to guide me in the right direction. Maybe I do".
How pathetic and weak you are Stein.
Grow a pair Stein, or allow "The One" to take control over your insignificant life.
Your drivil is indeed sickening. Perhaps you and your devoted Trish can pop some pills together when Obozo tells you it's time to depart this world.

Jacob R.| 2.12.13 @ 11:55AM

I often wonder why there are so many nasty responders on this blog.
If anyone attempts any gentle humor, there's always someone to respond with an abrasive, vulgar voice.
Ben's tongue is planted in his cheek when he writes these columns, and so is Trish's.
I enjoy Ben's ironic posts.
I don't think many of you recognize satire.

Frank Drackman| 2.12.13 @ 12:19PM

You're right Jacob,
theres too much abrasive vulgarity here...

You Homo...

Frank

Occam's Tool| 2.12.13 @ 8:48PM

Frank, that's "Jacob, you faggety bastard homo..."

always glad to help out.

Occam's Tool| 2.12.13 @ 8:49PM

Or is that "faggoty." Better ask an expert on the subject to help me out.

Cheesehead Jack, how do I spell "ass reaming faggot?"

Anthony| 2.12.13 @ 12:36PM

Oh Jacob, you're clueless, but like the perverbial blind squirrel, does find a nut now and then.
Trish is most likely being sarcastic, she might even be our dear Anna K. from Emory U. incognito.
However, Stein has no sense of irony or gentle humor. Anybody who reads Stein knows what a hapless, hopeless, neurotic, self absorbed, elitist nebbish he is, except apparently you and a few others.
Do your recall his defense of Dominic Strauss Kahn? Is his belief in Anthropogenic Global Warming tongue in cheek? Are his weekly trips to his shrink, that he can't wait to share with us, ironic posts?
I suspect Jacob, you share some of Stein's traits. I don't think you recognize drivil when you read it.

Jacob R.| 2.12.13 @ 1:53PM

Careful.

Your anger will cause your cancer cells to spread to the lymph lodes.

And beyond . . .

Anthony| 2.12.13 @ 2:18PM

Ah, so the irony is that your're a troll Jacob, you and Trish, aka Anna K.
Or, am I just being obtuse, that this is your attempt at tongue in cheek gentle humor or satire?
Then again, you could be Stein's shrink in disguise.

Jacob R.| 2.12.13 @ 3:03PM

Who is Anna K.? If she is a frequent poster, I have never seen her name come up.

anna k from emory u| 2.12.13 @ 6:51PM

Anthony, please disregard these pretenders. You were quite kind to me last month, allowing me to vent after my disastrous Christmas Eve amongst Atlanta area homeless (resulting in the theft of my Obama 2012 sweatshirt).

I promise to get that picture to you, once I get a good e-mail address.

Occam's Tool| 2.12.13 @ 8:51PM

You know, AS a shrink, I pity Ben's Shrink.

I mean, I get to work with people with traumatic brain injuries coupled with drug addiction coupled with violence coupled with psychosis coupled with mood disorder.

He has it worse.

anna k from emory u| 2.12.13 @ 7:01PM

Jacob, does the R stand for the sentence "Really a loser"?

Paul A'Barge | 2.12.13 @ 12:04PM

OnStar is GM only. GM == Government Motors. Too bad they don't spin it off and let folks like Ford sell it.

Minuteman78| 2.12.13 @ 12:56PM

Nothing about some heavenly muffins after the trip? Ben, you're slipping...

Occam's Tool| 2.12.13 @ 1:07PM

I've used OnStar: it does work. Useful when getting around Fargo, ND. Also, I use the hands-free calling service to call my hospital when I'm driving and on call.

Ben, all you need to do in LA is "Drive West on Sunset, to the Sea"...that will take you to Malibu, you cretin, where you have a house.

RCV| 2.12.13 @ 1:46PM

I'm generally a fan of Ben's writing, but this is surely the most inane column to appear in a long time. Like Ms. Trotter, the headline led me to expect some harrowing story. Instead, I learned that Ben was momentarily without a street map. Not exactly The Perfect Storm.

anna k from emory u| 2.12.13 @ 6:57PM

RCV, you have got to let go of your hate. You rightwingers love to throw around words like "inane" because you know they are hurtful to a sensitive man like Ben Stein.

I can't imagine that a primitive such as you would ever understand the California lifestyle that the educated and erudite economist/ attorney/ actor Mr. Stein enjoys, along with his jaunts to those other places.

I recommend that you put aside your negative feelings towards others, and instead study for your GED.

Occam's Tool| 2.12.13 @ 8:45PM

RCV, the "rightwinger." Chortle.

An Angeleno who doesn't know that the way you can get to Malibu even if struck in the head with a bat is to go West on Sunset is a Sad Creature. That describes Mr. Stein.

Occam's Tool| 2.12.13 @ 8:47PM

You aren't the REAL Anna K---you write well and you have a sense of humor.

Seek| 2.12.13 @ 3:21PM

Baldwin Park is scary for a reason other than having at least one "industrial neighborhood": It's almost all Hispanic now. Not exactly the safest place in the world to be lost in the middle of the night if you're a gringo.

But while we're at it: Hats off to OnStar.

Intelligent Design| 2.12.13 @ 6:01PM

Deep.

Ronald54321| 2.12.13 @ 6:33PM

Technology. The one positive thing about today.

Rhoetus| 2.14.13 @ 10:21PM

I ran out of gas in Compton once, now Ben that was scary! Gridlock on I-10, no problem!

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