The American Spectator

The thing I like about Republicans is that they’re no damn good at all. I know, I’m one of them. A Republican just wants to get rich, buy oceanfront property, dump the old wife and get a new blonde one who’ll listen attentively while the Republican talks about unfunded mandates over the arugula salad.

Now Republicans aren’t really evil. They’ll save the rain forest if they have to. Tell them that’s where all the golf ball trees grow. They’d better do something about the Amazon or they’ll be teeing off with their kids’ hackysacks. And if Republicans notice that their oceanfront property is all ocean and no front, they’ll pass a law against polar ice cap melting in a minute. But these guys in the lime green pants hammering at bean bags with Ping three woods don’t really care about global issues, much less social justice. The GOP majority in Congress is going to spend most of its time tinkering with the New Blonde Wife Act of 1995. And the rest of its energy will be devoted to giving Dutch rubs and (those insensitive Republicans) Indian rope burns to the enormous system of government that has been created over the past sixty years by the good people in authority who do care.

The activists, the advocates of worthy causes, the idealistic leaders, the self-sacrificing organizers — all the good people — care even more than you enlightened youth. They say, “Oh, you? You just buy Newman’s Own salad dressing, give some money to PETA, wear a red ribbon on your bridesmaid’s dress at your sister’s wedding, and applaud for Barbra Streisand, and you think you’ve done your bit. Sure you care. But you only care about things like high-tension power lines when they’re causing childhood cancers in your neighborhood. We care about high-tension power lines in places that don’t even have electricity. We care so much we can’t sleep. We can’t eat. It wrecked our marriage. And because we care more than you do we’re better people than you are. And because we’re better people than you are we have the right — no, the duty — to tell you what to do.”

Telling you what to do being the entire idea of big government, its agencies, experts, courts, laws, regulatory codes, and powers of taxation to fund health care reform so that if I have a traffic accident while trying to run over school crossing guards you pay my doctor bills. And the people who control that big government, the people who care so much, really are better than the rest of us.

You see, it’s hard for us not-so-good people to accomplish things. If we want to prevent childhood cancers caused by high-tension power lines, we have to quit our jobs, go back to school and earn degrees in medicine, biochemistry, physics, and electrical engineering. Then we have to do years of research to determine whether or not high-tension power lines actually cause cancer. And, if they do, we have to remove all the high-tension power lines and convince 250 million people to light their homes with the little candles left over from the last big birthday cake the kid got before he died.

All a politician has to do is care. Staff and assistants handle the rest.

THIS is why it’s so important for big government to get bigger. So it can help you. For instance, you can’t find a good-paying job. That’s because, in the 1980s, rich people took all the good pay and used it up. But big government can find a good-paying job for you because, when government gets bigger, there are more jobs in the government. These pay well. And, if you need money in the meantime, the government can print some for you because one of those good-paying government jobs is running the mint. That’s just one way the government can help. And you need help, too. Because people are trying to do horrible things to you all the time, like the big food companies that put poison in your food so that you’ll never buy food from any competing big food companies. The same thing with the car companies and all those dangerous cars they make. GM knows you can’t go to a Ford showroom if you’re a paraplegic and brain dead. You should sue. Big government means there are always plenty of judges and juries available. And you’re a victim. You’re a victim of lots of things. A victim of prejudice against racial minorities. Just look at all those smug white people with the good-paying government jobs. What did they do to deserve them? And so what if you’re a smug white person yourself? With black and Hispanic birth rates going through the roof, you’ll soon be a minority, too. Plus you’re disabled. You may not know it. That would mean you have a cognitive disability exhibited by not knowing you’re disabled. Perhaps you don’t recall any difficulty walking, talking, seeing, etc. So you’re suffering from repressed memory syndrome, too. Therapy can help. You were probably molested as a child by a beloved member of your household. It’s all coming back now. Remember how Rover would run up and jam his nose into your … You need a government program. And so does Rover. So do all the earth’s animals. Whole species are facing extinction. Democrats just for starters.

You must know that the politicians loathe you. They think you’re a moron. They have to make rules and regulations or you’d screw up everything. You’d fall right out of the car if it weren’t for seatbelt laws. And you can’t be trusted with money. You’d spend it on fatty foods and cigarettes or a power boat that would harm the environment. The politicians need to get that money away from you. They have to raise taxes quick. Better let the government look after your cash. Government will do worthwhile things with your paycheck, such as lend it to Mexico. And fund educational TV. Because you’d watch nothing but football and “Melrose Place” if it weren’t for serious and informative nature programs about how Democrats are facing extinction. And you’re as mean as you are stupid. You’re too selfish to help the poor. So politicians have to take even more of what you earn and give it to poor people. Well, of course, politicians can’t actually give that money to poor people. Then the poor people wouldn’t be poor and would turn into Republicans or something. Poor people don’t really need money anyway. They need government programs. And housing projects. And a large welfare bureaucracy to make sure they stay in the housing projects and don’t get out and start wandering around the parts of town where politicians live.

But all my Republican buddies cavorting on Capitol Hill … aren’t they politicians, too? Alas, you betcha. It would be nice if they stuck to the lovely task of destroying government. But there’s no such thing as politicians who can mind their own business. Republican congressmen are going to want to make some positive contributions to our political system, and you may not feel too positive about that. For one thing, some of us Republicans are anti-abortion on the theory that every fetus is a Republican or, if adopted by a nice, rich family, will be when it turns 30. And some Republicans want children to read a prayer before school. Although whether it is the Republican insistence on children learning to pray or the Republican insistence on children learning to read that has the National Education Association so upset, I’m not sure. There are certain Republicans who would like to get rid of immigrants (these Republicans being under the impression that Pat Buchanan is a Cherokee name). If Republicans have their way, poor people in crime-ridden neighborhoods will no longer be given squalid housing, they’ll have to buy it. And, under the Republicans, certain large corporations and business interests no doubt will be allowed to run wild, as opposed to the way the Clinton administration cracked down on Tyson’s Chicken and cattle futures trading.

But that’s about it in the way of Republican innovations. We don’t have that many ideas. Democrats have lots of them. Every time a politician gets an idea it costs you money, and sometimes, in the case of wars, it costs you your skin.

Republicans are cheaper. We leave you alone. And when Republicans pull some sleazy thing like Whitewater, at least it works. You didn’t see Michael Milken going to jail for not selling junk bonds.

Plus, you know where you stand with Republicans. Everybody realizes we’re SOBs. Not like the Democrats, always claiming to be the spiritual scions of Mahatma Gandhi. You don’t want a politician trying to drown you while the whole world thinks he’s giving you a bath.

And one more extremely important thing about Republicans. We’re against gun control. You can shoot us.