If you think 2013 will be any better, John Boehner has a Plan C to sell you.
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Undeterred by the economic science of the EU, a court in L’Aquila, Italy, convicted six scientists of manslaughter for failing to predict a severe earthquake. Defense attorneys had argued that the six were innocent and that the quake was caused by global warming. Prosecutors say that if the convictions are overturned, they will charge the six with witchcraft and use dunking chairs to extract confessions.
Hurricane Sandy put an end to October with weather so bizarre that it caused Mayor Bloomie to tell Obama to stay away. But New Joisey Gov. Chris Christie, keynote speaker at the Republican Convention, decided to campaign with Obama, placing himself in the exclusive company of Rick Santorum. Gov. Christie was last sighted floating over the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade tethered to Al Gore’s global warming float.
NOVEMBER continued and on election eve, campaign irony hit a record high when Bill Clinton, campaigning for Obama, said, “You’re laughing, but who wants a president who will knowingly, repeatedly tell you something he knows is not true?”
It didn’t take long for the ugly truth to be revealed on election night. When Karl Rove suffered a nervous breakdown at about 11:25 pm, we knew it was over. We woke on November 7 to the Republican Establishment’s claim that global warming caused Obama’s victory. Disgruntled casino owners are reportedly planning to burn Karl Rove (perhaps in effigy, perhaps not). Conservatives are wondering how to replace the Republican Establishment with people and candidates who are capable of winning elections.
If all that weren’t bad enough, Hostess Brands — the maker of Twinkies — made the lives of cops, firefighters, and school kids everywhere less joyful by announcing that they were going out of business rather than yielding to union demands. At first, we thought that meant no more Twinkies and Devil’s Food Cupcakes. But the Twinkie may be revived by a Mexican company — I’m not making this up — named Grupo Bimbo. There was no confirmation of reports that Grupo Bimbo was a joint venture secretly owned by Paula Broadwell and Diane Suarez.
More horrific economic news came in DECEMBER. The seventy-five year old Stage Deli — which had given us the best sandwich on the planet, its corned beef on rye — fell victim to Obamanomics. We may someday forgive Obama for some things, but not for this. If you haven’t eaten at the Stage Deli, I can assure you that this loss is worse than anything that can come out of the fiscal cliff negotiations.
Not content with the steady parade of political disasters, Speaker Boehner capped the year off with his “Plan B” proposal to stop us for falling off the congressionally-created fiscal cliff by raising taxes for the rich without reducing federal spending. Boehner’s Plan B briefly excited Nancy Pelosi and other feminists who thought it would make the “morning-after” pill available for free. Nancy is now saying we have to fall off the fiscal cliff to find out how high it is.
Boehner was hoping his grand bargain would be mooted by the Mayan Apocalypse scheduled for the next day, but it wasn’t. And when the feminists found out that Boehner’s Plan B was a political abortion rather than an abortifacient — and conservatives at long last lowered the boom on their wayward Speaker — Boehner was forced to pull the bill and send the House home for Christmas. Unfortunately, they came back right after Santa Claus was apparently shot down by an Iranian anti-aircraft missile.
Before December expired, former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Burlesquoni — he of the “bunga-bunga” parties envied by Bill Clinton — announced his political comeback. Mitt Romney’s son Tagg told us that his dad hadn’t really wanted to run for president and had to be talked into it by Tagg and his mom. Apparently, brainwashing runs in the family.
As the year ended, French President Hollande and his energy minister, Delphine Bathos, announced plans to shut off overnight lights in Paris to save money. A report in the London Daily Mail advised late-night revelers to carry torches if they venture out after 1 a.m., a practice Parisians should recall from their last cultural energy crisis in 1789.
If all of 2012’s nonsense isn’t enough to make you a triskaidekaphobiac before tomorrow comes, nothing will. But if you aren’t, you should be. Happy Fiscal Cliff Day, everyone.
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