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Nobody Died in Watergate
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Benghazi Bullchips
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Obama’s Thin Red Line
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Loose Canons
Annus Horribilis Comicus
If you think 2013 will be any better, John Boehner has a Plan C to sell you.
(Page 3 of 4)
We missed most of Michael Phelps’s waterborne spectaculars. Olympic boxing, wrestling, shooting and pretty much all the guy stuff was not broadcasted at all in favor of coverage of events in which elf-sized women competed. (The only pleasant exception to this was the women’s beach volleyball competition, in which four leggy American gals took both gold and silver.) The U.S. women’s gymnastics team, comprised entirely of direct descendants of Tinkerbell, won gold. In an apparently unrelated event, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi claimed that in her first meeting with President Bush the ghosts of Susan B. Anthony and other suffragettes spoke to her and said, “Now we have a place at the table.”
NASA’s Mars rover, curiously named “Curiosity,” sent us too many photographs of the planet’s barren surface, which news reporters compared to the California desert. At which point the California legislature passed a bill taxing any businesses on the Martian surface.
August 9th arrived, the fifth anniversary of the Speurozone crisis, and with it the discovery that Greece was about to run out of other nations’ money again. French disabled people (if you’ll pardon the redundancy) celebrated by boycotting Babybell cheese products because the company was giving away toy inkpads advertised as ideal for “des vacances de malade mental,” i.e., vacations taken for mental illness, a term apparently referring to vacations of less than four weeks’ length.
Before the Republican Convention kicked off, the New York Times named outgoing BBC Director General Mark Thompson as the Times’ new CEO. Shortly after that, the Times building reportedly was struck by lightning. Later investigation revealed that the lightning strike emanated from a stick held by Romney’s running mate, Harry Potter, who had disguised himself as someone named Paul Ryan.
Mitt Romney’s convention speech went swimmingly until he was interrupted by the Chinese ambassador who the delivered devastating news that Romney’s economic plan — which required China to refinance its mortgage on twenty western states — had been turned down by Quicken Loans.
As SEPTEMBER began with the Democrats’ convention, the EU wrote a letter to the Greek government suggesting that Greeks work six days a week rather than the not quite two days a week they now struggle through. The Greeks, noting Obama’s promises to create billions and billions of jobs throughout the universe, decided to pour themselves more ouzo and not work at all.
Amidst the riots at American embassies around the world, there was one bright spot. Mr. Abdullah Ismail, having participated in one such “spontaneous” demonstration in Pakistan, died after inhaling substantial quantities of the emissions from the burning of an American flag.
September was a month of apologies. Ms. Paris Hilton apologized for saying homosexuals were disgusting, and after our ambassador to Libya and three others were murdered by terrorists, Obama and Hillary Clinton disgustingly apologized for an obscure video that insulted Islamists. The apology came in the form of an ad campaign that aired in Pakistan and cost us about $70,000. The Pakistanis responded by continuing their rioting, killing dozens of each other, an effort for which they should be congratulated.
Mitt Romney’s campaign continued to be a compilation of “C’mon, man” episodes worthy of Monday Night Football. Having failed to get anyone to read his 593-point economic plan, Romney sought publicity by offering to bet German Chancellor Angela Merkel ownership of New York City against the pink slip to Munich on whether Paul Ryan would beat Joe Biden in the veep debate. Unaware of the offer, Romney’s campaign staff kidnapped Ryan and secured him in an undisclosed location until Election Day. Meanwhile, Ms. Monica Lewinsky was rumored to be doing a $12 million deal for a new book that reveals her knowledge of Bill Clinton’s sexual fantasies. This is a lot more than we need to know.
September was otherwise a forgettable month but for the fact that the NFL went to the shallow end of the gene pool and hired replacement referees of a quality that could only have been lesser if they’d hired the Harvard faculty. The Striped Stooges made too many bad calls to count, but the worst in NFL history occurred during the September 24th Green Bay-Seattle game in which an interception by Green Bay was ruled a touchdown for Seattle. The problem was finally solved by Palm Beach County, Florida, which hired the Striped Stooges away from the NFL so that they would be on hand to count ballots in November.
OCTOBER began badly for Ms. Gaby Scanlon of Lancaster, England. The young lady lost her stomach to a cocktail containing liquid nitrogen, which even Aussies won’t drink. She may have been trying to gain a scholarship to MIT in rocket science, but didn’t realize the proper application of the extremely cold liquid (minus 320°F) is not to replace ice in mixed drinks. Her standing in the Darwin Award competition was surpassed quickly by Mr. Edward Archbold of Deerfield, Florida, who died after eating dozens of live roaches and worms in a pet store contest.
Better results were Mitt Romney’s in October when — after consuming at least six cans of Red Bull — the Republican mopped the floor with a somnolent Obama in the first presidential debate. Moderator Jim Lehrer deserves major kudos for losing control of the discussion quickly and completely.
Joe Biden interrupted Paul Ryan so many times in the veep debate that even some of Obama’s cheerleaders were dismayed. In the second presidential debate Romney fared less well against CNN’s Candy Crowley. Romney apparently mistook Benghazi for 1960s TV star Ben Gazzara. Obama was there as well.
In the third — and, thank Heaven, last — presidential debate Romney stunned the crowd by endorsing Obama’s foreign policy, apparently in hope of replacing Hillary Clinton at State.
October’s main event was the award of the Nobel Peace Prize to the European Union, which was quickly followed by the posthumous award of the Nobel Prize for Medicine to Dr. Timothy Leary. The EU’s $1 million prize money was seized quickly by German Chancellor Merkel, who then demanded that Greece, Italy, and Spain split the bounty and live off of it for the remainder of the year.
About the Author
Jed Babbin served as a Deputy Undersecretary of Defense under George H.W. Bush. He is the author of several bestselling books including Inside the Asylum and In the Words of Our Enemies. You can follow him on Twitter @jedbabbin.
Letter to the Editor View all comments (57) | Leave a comment
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pogybait| 12.31.12 @ 7:51AM
In March; you also forgot the Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas) sponsored a House Resolution to have Mercury (HG) removed from the Periodic Charts as a means of fighting global warming and climate change. During early September, Romney’s election committee’s accusation of reporters doing Obama’s bidding had enraged the media so much that they demanded immediate instructions from White House on how to respond. Early on in October, Jay Carney admitted that leaks where proof that the President is fulfilling his promise of the most open and transparent administration ever…..just to add a few to the cocktail of absurdity of 2012.
CJW| 12.31.12 @ 1:18PM
Lee asked NASA for a photo of the Mars area where the astronauts landed, so I would not pay any attention to Lee. She is an idiot.
chuck| 12.31.12 @ 8:04AM
FREE TLP!
Quartermaster| 12.31.12 @ 7:05PM
Throw away the Key!
Stevet| 1.1.13 @ 11:02AM
I am new to this site. What or whom is TLP?
Stevet| 1.1.13 @ 11:02AM
I am new to this site. What or whom is TLP?
Von Mises Jr| 12.31.12 @ 8:28AM
The unemployment rate dropped in February per Rick Santelli as 1.2M people decided to join the Greek movement and refuse to work. Peter Morici informed that another 522K decided work was not for them in May in Omerica. Surprisingly, in September (right before the election) another 368K said no mas to work. So the great news is that 2.1M people no longer wish to be part of Obama's Obamanomics.
But surprise again, the Household Survey reported in September that 465K non-workers are now counted as workers since they babysat their sister's kids while she filed for Social Security Disability after her 99 weeks ran out. Since she still gets her period monthly, she is incapacitated and cannot work. Her husband is also not counted now, since he told the liberal that called his house for the survey that he works at McDonald's four hours twice a week so he can steal food in order not to starve.
So if you holdouts would simply refuse to work, file for Social Security Disability or work at MickeyD's sneaking a few fries to keep alive, Obama could easily get us to full employment.
vtwin| 12.31.12 @ 11:17AM
Did you happen to get the jobs lost numbers for 2012, resulting from companies moving jobs overseas?
c. j. acworth| 12.31.12 @ 11:34AM
Why no, I haven't seen those numbers, V. But why on earth would companies be wanting to move out of the US when everything is poised for such a rebound, as Obama gets his tax increases and the country gets Obamacare? Why, we're at the gate of a gosh-darned Garden of Eden here! (Aren't we ?)
Von Mises Jr| 12.31.12 @ 12:25PM
Did you see that Google sheltered $10 BILLION in profits from Ireland to the Netherlands to Bermuda avoiding $2 BILLION in taxes to Obama and his regime? I think that is an overseas tax shelter, is it not twitvin?
Did you know that we could have had the following economic growth from the Keystone Pipeline but it was not approved since crony capitalist Warren Buffet whom still owes $1 BILLION in back taxes has a monopoly on shipping oil and gas from the Dakotas and Canada to the Gulf via his railroads:
"An independent study estimates that during the life of the project, the Keystone XL project is expected to stimulate:
•More than $20 billion in new spending for the U.S. economy;
•More than 118,000 person-years of employment;
•An increase of $6.5 billion in the personal income of Americans;
•Increased gross output (product) of $9.6 billion; and
•More than $585 million in state and local taxes in the states along the pipeline route."
If you get really drunk tonight and fall on your head, you might make more sense in 2013.
CJW| 12.31.12 @ 1:16PM
Von
You are confusing the lefty libs with facts and logic.
Maybe Obama could pass a law to forbid "overseas jobs."
Of course, according to the lefty libs like Purpie, jobs to Mexico, Canada, and Central America, caused by NAFTA, passed by Bubba, are not "overseas " jobs because those countries are contiguous to the USA.
It is only an "overseas" job loss if caused under a Rep administration, or by an evil corporation following the US tax code.
Have a happy new year.
Stevet| 1.1.13 @ 11:08AM
Yeh, but who cares about all that when we can be enriching the lives of poor people by giving them Obama cell phones instead.
Frank Drackman| 12.31.12 @ 8:47AM
Go over the Cliff!
I wanta see that 10% bracket jacked up 50% to where it was during the Clinton Error, Pay Your Fair Share Bee-Otches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Frank
Hardcard| 12.31.12 @ 9:21AM
It's the beginning of the end. I was watching a documentary last evening (2 parts) the first part was about the rise of the 3rd reich and the totalitarian state in the 1930's, I think history is repeating itself, we are in for a great deal of suffering.
Rhoetus| 12.31.12 @ 11:17AM
Chris Matthews never read the "Rise And Fall of The Third Reich"- otherwise he'd be wearing a brown shirt to work.
Tina B| 1.1.13 @ 2:51PM
I watched it too, Hardcard, and thought much the same. Our current Public School system is derived from the ancient Prussian system. They fascist rise was enabled by the brainwashed populace, and the youth trained in the early 30s were the murderous army of the invaders. The thing that keeps me hopeful is Christ's promised return, which feels closer every day. We are on the precipice, but I read the end of the book and the good guys win, HC. He is faithful.
Appleby| 12.31.12 @ 9:21AM
Ban Frank Too.
SUBVET| 12.31.12 @ 9:31AM
How about a mormon hater...............she should be banned.
Frank Drackman| 12.31.12 @ 9:58AM
thats what your wife said,
or would have said, if you had a wife, and my (redacted) weren't in her (redacted)..
Now why don't you be like Rodney King, and just drown in a pool after smoking crack, I mean, J-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-j-ust g-g-g-g-g-g-g-get al-l-l-l-l-l-l-long
Frank
Anton C.| 12.31.12 @ 2:12PM
Are Frank Drackman and TLP the same responders? Their angry, unhinged voices are the same.
PolishKnight| 12.31.12 @ 9:47AM
I had forgotten about the Costa Concordia which we shouldn't because it demonstrates just how silly feminism and women's equality is: They're all equal until the lifeboats are lowered or the dinner check arrives. Perhaps this is why captains of ships tend to be male: because the hypocrisy of women's equality would be exposed as the sham it is if the woman captain was to run for the lifeboat leaving the men behind to look after her disaster.
A society that embraces the concept of "women's equality" while putting "women and children first" dehumanizes men. In China, they drowned little girls in river streams. In the states and Europe, "chivalrous" captains drown their boys (of legal age, of course) in the oceans.
Rhoetus| 12.31.12 @ 11:21AM
PolishKnight: That's Hillary, Diane, Barbara and Nancy, et.al. ('s) plan don't ya know?!
PolishKnight| 12.31.12 @ 1:22PM
The Republicans could be useful if they at least tried to put in speedbumps to slow the panzers down, but they either do nothing or even go along with the feminists due to hyper chivalry.
Anti-abortion does NOTHING for winning elections either short or long term. Zilch. However, the marriage penalty, anti-male divorce courts, affirmative action/reverse Jim Crow, VAWA, IMBRA all help create leftist/Democrat/feminist votes while undermining the Republican party's core electorate and ideological supporters (traditional values.)
Anti-abortion and gay marriage opposition isn't even a Panzer-slowing speed bump. Heck, these only embolden the left and generate a rallying cry. This last election is a demonstration of this situation and that there's a "cliff" the Republicans are going over. In a way, I welcome it. I wish these truths were evident 20 years ago when Republicans were fawning over "sexual harassment" laws and getting men fired for making fart jokes in the workplace. We live in a crazy society that would amuse George Orwell if he were alive.
Rhoetus| 12.31.12 @ 4:28PM
The Republicans have a Five Year Plan to destroy the Constitution while the Democrats want to "do it now".
C'mon Man!| 12.31.12 @ 7:31PM
Careful, Polish K, CJW believes family (feminist) court is NOT anti-male, and even has a male client who didn't lose his kids to prove it! I have seen too many cases in too many courts to know otherwise.
Appleby| 12.31.12 @ 2:31PM
If you check into it, you'll discover that only two ship disasters in history -- the Lusitania and the Titanic -- observed the 'women and chidlren first" protocol. (Mark Steyn has done this for you if you don't want to exert yourself -- look it up.) In all other major ship disasters, the proportion of men saved to women saved is embarrassingly in favour of the former.
Russel| 12.31.12 @ 9:59AM
Whatever , author . When I see Boehner's name , more important issues come to mind . Such as what the beloved dictator recently said about ' gun control ' . It sounded as if he will attack the 2nd amm . with the same enthusiasm as his constant campainging for Zerocare . Who will stand up to him ; who will tell the skinny little nincompoop to go play on the freeway ? . If I'm not mistaken , about all we have is the " Weeper of the House " ( the socialists finally pulled that one out of the drawer ) . Who else ? . The SCOTUS ? . The socialist dream of taking our weapons means coasting home with no obstacles . Their plan is coming together fine , since taking away an ' assault ' weapon is a foot in the door . Then it's on to pistols , et al . Nope , if Boehner's all we've got , we're in real trouble .
RJ| 12.31.12 @ 10:33AM
Can you feel all of the excitement from the liberals on the eve of new Obama taxes and the Obama tax rate increases ready to kick in? With the loss of Dick Clark, perhaps the networks will hire Obama to bring in the new year by dropping a dollar sign into the Potomac at midnight.
vtwin| 12.31.12 @ 11:24AM
Actually, we’re a little nervous the President might cave.
Rhoetus| 12.31.12 @ 11:28AM
His head caved in long ago.
Rhoetus| 12.31.12 @ 11:26AM
May President ObaMao drive a Chevy Volt over the cliff like Thelma and Louise.
chuck| 12.31.12 @ 3:04PM
You mean the Chevy "Dolt"?
Rhoetus| 12.31.12 @ 4:29PM
NO, that's a Dolt driving a Volt.
vtwin| 12.31.12 @ 12:00PM
Wanted to share what has to be the best Fox “News” moment of 2012. Enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DpoMWrW01h4
Quartermaster| 12.31.12 @ 7:09PM
For those with foresight, that was some of teh saddest news this country ever got. In retrospect, that judgment will be confirmed.
Petronius| 12.31.12 @ 12:09PM
By comparison, Wiley Coyote had a great year.
RABart| 12.31.12 @ 12:44PM
And as December comes to a close, the judge and jury at TAS place a ban on TLP's commentary. The biggest travesty of all.
Happy New Year Tim.
Tina B| 1.1.13 @ 3:00PM
Ah, good, well said. A travesty. And I see some contestants are piling on.
To TLP, alias Timmy, God bless and happy New Year, friend. And please BBT.
cicero| 12.31.12 @ 4:00PM
The Pres had no intention of reaching a compromise deal with the Reps. The plan was to be able to tax the middle class, and those now off the roles, while blaming it on the Republicans. He is now there. The only hitch is the sequester, that will not cut enough spending to make up for the new bills that will come due. He will also blame that on the Rs. It all hinges on the American voting public being idiotic enough to believe in the scam. Oh, yeah, November.
As far as the "women and children first" drill, that came about as a result of the sinking of the HMS Birkenshead, off South Africa in the late 1800's. A group of soldiers were on board on their way to the ongoing war - either ZULU or BOER - when they struck a reef. Their commander lined them up in formation, and they held while the women and children were loaded onto the lifeboats. Most made it to shore, swimmingly, as they say. Many did not. Gallantry does have its place.
cicero| 12.31.12 @ 4:00PM
The Pres had no intention of reaching a compromise deal with the Reps. The plan was to be able to tax the middle class, and those now off the roles, while blaming it on the Republicans. He is now there. The only hitch is the sequester, that will not cut enough spending to make up for the new bills that will come due. He will also blame that on the Rs. It all hinges on the American voting public being idiotic enough to believe in the scam. Oh, yeah, November.
As far as the "women and children first" drill, that came about as a result of the sinking of the HMS Birkenshead, off South Africa in the late 1800's. A group of soldiers were on board on their way to the ongoing war - either ZULU or BOER - when they struck a reef. Their commander lined them up in formation, and they held while the women and children were loaded onto the lifeboats. Most made it to shore, swimmingly, as they say. Many did not. Gallantry does have its place.
Rhoetus| 12.31.12 @ 4:35PM
Why does Obama want to raise the marginal rates on select individuals making more than $250,000 when it won’t solve the deficit problem? When you start salami slicing groups like AGI over $10 million, AGI over $1 million and AGI over $500,000 - now substitute Russian-Americans for the first group, Polish-Americans for the second and Jewish-Americans for the third. It's all purely arbitrary and just as amoral. Especially when it does not solve the problem as it does not stop deficit spending, so much for utility and practicality. What is his reasoning then? Playing on the envy of others.
Republicans need to make this a moral issue and link it to actually solving a problem- the only effective solution is to cut real spending as compared to slowing the rate of growth (of government spending). This salami slicing of citizens that destroyed equal treatment under the law effectively destroyed our constitution and the morality of the nation.
Albert Constantine Jr.| 12.31.12 @ 5:26PM
At this time last year, I posted the poem below in anticipation of the New Year, and all it might bring. I post it here without alteration (except in the current format, I have to do it in more than one post), to demonstrate in some ways that the more things change, the more they stay the same.
With the coming of the New Year
And the setting of new goals
I will state my resolution
Of not to feed the trolls
The AS Blog’s a forum
Of ideas on the right
There is much disagreement
And often there’s a fight
On Israel or Ron Paul
To bomb Iran or wait
Catholics, Jews and Protestants
And why the Muslims hate
But throughout any vitriol
We really should give pause
And thankfully reflect
That its not the Daily Kos
For over in that corner
We never should forget
That most of those who post there
Are like KingoftheNet
Now I don’t mind a lefty
With whom I disagree
To offer an opinion
Like D Red or RCV
To hear another point of view
Is really not a sin
So I can take or leave
A comment from V Twin
But those who come here to this blog
The forum to usurp
With inane names and comments
Such as is done by Purp
Whether paid to post by Soros
Or merely off their meds
The content is obnoxious
Like the brain fog in their heads
So if their content I ignore
Til they go back to their homes
If I find I’m unsuccessful
I’ll just re-post my poems
And if my prayer does not come true
And on this site they linger
I’ll just ask God to give me strength
And restrain my middle finger
Albert Constantine Jr.| 12.31.12 @ 5:27PM
For with their words they do reveal
An absence of contrition
And only serve to fortify
A conservative position
And if I could write music
I’d set this to a song
And belt it out on You Tube
Just why they are so wrong
Instead I will just type this
And wait for a response
And if it is forthcoming
In MS Word bold fonts
I’ll probably just chuckle
As they write out their “your mama”
And sanctify accomplishments
Of Dear Leader Obama
And as their angry words reveal
The knowledge that they lack
At least there is awareness
Sometimes the words bite back
Pecos Pete| 12.31.12 @ 8:01PM
Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!
BBT!
Pecos Pete| 12.31.12 @ 8:02PM
And Happy New Year!
Best Wishes to All for 2013!
BBT!
Albert Constantine Jr.| 12.31.12 @ 8:10PM
Gracias, Senor Pedro.
Prospero Ano (ob ich habe mich es richtig erinnert).
I think we may see the return of TLP on Wednesday, once the regular editorial staff returns.
Until then:
BBT!
CJW| 1.1.13 @ 2:59PM
Pete and Albert
Happy New Year
BBT
Tina B| 1.1.13 @ 3:08PM
To all my friends (a la Mickey Rourke in "Barfly)
happy and healthy New Year and grace and fellowship and love, throughout 2013!
BBT.
Albert Constantine Jr.| 1.1.13 @ 7:45PM
CJW;
Happy New Year to you as well.
BBT!
Tina B| 1.1.13 @ 3:05PM
Snap. Snap. Snap.
Tina B| 1.1.13 @ 3:10PM
That was to Albert.
Albert Constantine Jr.| 1.1.13 @ 7:44PM
Thanks much. Happy New Year to you as well.
BBT!
Job| 1.1.13 @ 1:42PM
add this AC:
and to Am Spec
if you've got a clue
you'll free TLP
cos he's better than you
Albert Constantine Jr.| 1.1.13 @ 7:46PM
...a worthy addition that I'm sure Tim would appreciate.
BBT!
Tina B| 1.1.13 @ 3:10PM
Ok Job. And to you. . . Snap. Snap. Snap. And God bless.
Purp| 1.1.13 @ 10:32PM
HA! The GOP caved and will allow a vote on the fiscal cliff deal tonite! What a bunch of spineless jellyfish.
Might as well lay down and get walked on and trampled... Great Reps they are, yep, great.
Michele San Pietro| 1.6.13 @ 9:34AM
I'm an Italian. My son and I had booked a cruise on the ship that sank because of Schettino's recklessness. Of course, our ship was changed and we could regularly go on our cruise. But over 30 people died because of that disgraceful captain. I hope he will spend at least a few years in jail.