If you think 2013 will be any better, John Boehner has a Plan C to sell you.
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We missed most of Michael Phelps’s waterborne spectaculars. Olympic boxing, wrestling, shooting and pretty much all the guy stuff was not broadcasted at all in favor of coverage of events in which elf-sized women competed. (The only pleasant exception to this was the women’s beach volleyball competition, in which four leggy American gals took both gold and silver.) The U.S. women’s gymnastics team, comprised entirely of direct descendants of Tinkerbell, won gold. In an apparently unrelated event, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi claimed that in her first meeting with President Bush the ghosts of Susan B. Anthony and other suffragettes spoke to her and said, “Now we have a place at the table.”
NASA’s Mars rover, curiously named “Curiosity,” sent us too many photographs of the planet’s barren surface, which news reporters compared to the California desert. At which point the California legislature passed a bill taxing any businesses on the Martian surface.
August 9th arrived, the fifth anniversary of the Speurozone crisis, and with it the discovery that Greece was about to run out of other nations’ money again. French disabled people (if you’ll pardon the redundancy) celebrated by boycotting Babybell cheese products because the company was giving away toy inkpads advertised as ideal for “des vacances de malade mental,” i.e., vacations taken for mental illness, a term apparently referring to vacations of less than four weeks’ length.
Before the Republican Convention kicked off, the New York Times named outgoing BBC Director General Mark Thompson as the Times’ new CEO. Shortly after that, the Times building reportedly was struck by lightning. Later investigation revealed that the lightning strike emanated from a stick held by Romney’s running mate, Harry Potter, who had disguised himself as someone named Paul Ryan.
Mitt Romney’s convention speech went swimmingly until he was interrupted by the Chinese ambassador who the delivered devastating news that Romney’s economic plan — which required China to refinance its mortgage on twenty western states — had been turned down by Quicken Loans.
As SEPTEMBER began with the Democrats’ convention, the EU wrote a letter to the Greek government suggesting that Greeks work six days a week rather than the not quite two days a week they now struggle through. The Greeks, noting Obama’s promises to create billions and billions of jobs throughout the universe, decided to pour themselves more ouzo and not work at all.
Amidst the riots at American embassies around the world, there was one bright spot. Mr. Abdullah Ismail, having participated in one such “spontaneous” demonstration in Pakistan, died after inhaling substantial quantities of the emissions from the burning of an American flag.
September was a month of apologies. Ms. Paris Hilton apologized for saying homosexuals were disgusting, and after our ambassador to Libya and three others were murdered by terrorists, Obama and Hillary Clinton disgustingly apologized for an obscure video that insulted Islamists. The apology came in the form of an ad campaign that aired in Pakistan and cost us about $70,000. The Pakistanis responded by continuing their rioting, killing dozens of each other, an effort for which they should be congratulated.
Mitt Romney’s campaign continued to be a compilation of “C’mon, man” episodes worthy of Monday Night Football. Having failed to get anyone to read his 593-point economic plan, Romney sought publicity by offering to bet German Chancellor Angela Merkel ownership of New York City against the pink slip to Munich on whether Paul Ryan would beat Joe Biden in the veep debate. Unaware of the offer, Romney’s campaign staff kidnapped Ryan and secured him in an undisclosed location until Election Day. Meanwhile, Ms. Monica Lewinsky was rumored to be doing a $12 million deal for a new book that reveals her knowledge of Bill Clinton’s sexual fantasies. This is a lot more than we need to know.
September was otherwise a forgettable month but for the fact that the NFL went to the shallow end of the gene pool and hired replacement referees of a quality that could only have been lesser if they’d hired the Harvard faculty. The Striped Stooges made too many bad calls to count, but the worst in NFL history occurred during the September 24th Green Bay-Seattle game in which an interception by Green Bay was ruled a touchdown for Seattle. The problem was finally solved by Palm Beach County, Florida, which hired the Striped Stooges away from the NFL so that they would be on hand to count ballots in November.
OCTOBER began badly for Ms. Gaby Scanlon of Lancaster, England. The young lady lost her stomach to a cocktail containing liquid nitrogen, which even Aussies won’t drink. She may have been trying to gain a scholarship to MIT in rocket science, but didn’t realize the proper application of the extremely cold liquid (minus 320°F) is not to replace ice in mixed drinks. Her standing in the Darwin Award competition was surpassed quickly by Mr. Edward Archbold of Deerfield, Florida, who died after eating dozens of live roaches and worms in a pet store contest.
Better results were Mitt Romney’s in October when — after consuming at least six cans of Red Bull — the Republican mopped the floor with a somnolent Obama in the first presidential debate. Moderator Jim Lehrer deserves major kudos for losing control of the discussion quickly and completely.
Joe Biden interrupted Paul Ryan so many times in the veep debate that even some of Obama’s cheerleaders were dismayed. In the second presidential debate Romney fared less well against CNN’s Candy Crowley. Romney apparently mistook Benghazi for 1960s TV star Ben Gazzara. Obama was there as well.
In the third — and, thank Heaven, last — presidential debate Romney stunned the crowd by endorsing Obama’s foreign policy, apparently in hope of replacing Hillary Clinton at State.
October’s main event was the award of the Nobel Peace Prize to the European Union, which was quickly followed by the posthumous award of the Nobel Prize for Medicine to Dr. Timothy Leary. The EU’s $1 million prize money was seized quickly by German Chancellor Merkel, who then demanded that Greece, Italy, and Spain split the bounty and live off of it for the remainder of the year.
A man of faith in a godless age is hitting Americans where it hurts.
Mr. and Mrs. American Spectator Reader, let P.J. O’Rourke talk sense to your kids.
In Britain, defending your property can get you life.
The debacle of this president’s administration is both a cause and a symptom of the decline of American values. Unless Congress impeaches him, that decline will go on unchecked. An eminent jurist surveys the damage and assesses the chances for the recovery of our culture.
It won’t take long for conservatives to scratch this presidential wannabe off their 2008 scorecard.
The American Christmas, like the songs that celebrate it, makes room for everybody under the rainbow. Is that why so many people seem to be hostile to it?
Was the President done in by the economy, or by the politics of the economy?