If you think 2013 will be any better, John Boehner has a Plan C to sell you.
(Page 2 of 4)
APRIL began with despair in the Elysée Palace. Facing dismal polls, French President Nicolas Sarkozy recalled a statement by one of his most memorably pestilential predecessors, Charles de Gaulle, who once asked, “How can anyone govern a nation that has two hundred and forty-six different kinds of cheese?” Sarko thus concluded that the cheese — not the French citizenry — was the problem and banned it from his dinner table.
It was a bad month for many, including Mr. Wesley Strom of Seattle who was arrested for car theft after pocket-dialing 911 four times. In conversations overheard by police, Strom talked to a pal about past and future car thefts and was subsequently arrested, joining the aforementioned Mr. Chance Bothe in the “dumber than his smartphone” class of 2012. Former senator Rick Santorum, having said that we might as well stay with what we have rather than vote for the “etch-a-sketch” candidate — i.e., vote for Obama rather than Romney — finally dropped out of the presidential primaries and reportedly asked Romney to help pay off his campaign debts. There was no comment from Forrest Gump on either Mr. Strom’s or Mr. Santorum’s predicament.
Ms. Diane Suarez of Cartagena, Colombia, had a better month than Messrs. Strom and Santorum, if less profitable than she’d planned. The pulchritudinous “lady” had a loud altercation with a Secret Service agent (with whom she had spent the night) over her fee, leading to the discovery that she was only one of nearly two-dozen “ladies” who had rented themselves out to some Secret Service on duty protecting Obama in Cartagena. Then we learned that the Obama campaign — forever raffling off chances for dinner with Barry — was selling chances to hang out with Barry AND George Clooney for $3 a ticket. Clooney, two orders of magnitude cheaper than Ms. Suarez, apparently didn’t argue with the price being charged for his company.
Before it expired, April featured “Earth Day,” when the chic fete the tree gods and worship Al Gore. This year, Earth Day was chosen for the official debut of the new Department of Energy award-winning light bulb, designed to replace the incandescent 60-watt bulbs, the manufacture of which is now prohibited in America. Each costs a mere $60, which is roughly about half the monthly cost of electricity for the average American household. Like the Karma sports car, the DoE light bulb isn’t a good deal even if you buy it with someone else’s money.
MAY began with the encouraging news that New Zealand’s college students created a new drinking game called “possum.” The rules are simple: climb a tree and drink until you fall out of it. France was not amused, claiming that the game was invented in Paris in 1789. Regardless of the game’s origin, the French practiced it diligently, throwing Sarkozy out in favor of socialist Hollande, who campaigned on the idea of raising French income taxes to 75%, reducing the work week to 30 hours and bumping the retirement age back up to the pre-Sarko 60. The Chunnel was briefly jammed by the last three capitalists fleeing France when they did a sudden U-turn in mid-tunnel after discovering that David Cameron was really François Hollande’s stunt double.
In apparent competition with the French, Greek voters — as allergic to work as their Gallic counterparts — managed to elect two failed governments in May. Impending Greek exit from the speuro (which some financial whizzes call the “Grexit”) sent the Speurozone leaders into a frantic planning session at which the shrugged Italian position — “eh!” — was immediately endorsed by the Spanish. As the Grexit approached, the Greeks were in a quandary, trying to choose their future in terms of a return to their old currency, the drachma, or a new one suggested by an Israeli comic which he called the “drekma,” probably more descriptive of the new currency’s value.
Sarko wasn’t the only genius to fall prey to May’s ravages. MSNBC screecher Chris Matthews finished dead last in a round of TV’s “Jeopardy!” behind CNN’s Lizzie O’Leary and former Obama press secretary Robert Gibbs. Matthews would have fared no better against Wile E. Coyote or Rick Santorum.
May ended with New York’s Nanny Bloomberg — having banned cigar smoking — trying to outlaw servings of sugary drinks sized larger than 16 ounces. Bloomie celebrated that most cherished liberal characteristic — cognitive dissonance — with a nearly-simultaneous announcement of his support for National Doughnut Day. I read that report in the comfort of my Virginia home while engaged in conservative multitasking. I was smoking a cigar, wearing my concealed weapon, and sipping a 20-ounce cappuccino all at the same time.
JUNE was an awful prelude to summer, complete with scorching weather, another Greek government, and the umpteenth “emergency” meeting of the Speurozone leaders. Breaking the sour mood, the “physics is fun” gang at the Swiss CERN research lab topped their 2011 results (which apparently disproved Einstein’s theory of special relativity) by announcing they’d found the “Higgs boson,” aka the “god particle,” which is the teeny-tiny subatomic doohickey that holds matter together. CERN’s top physicists, Zaphod Beeblebrox and Slartibartfast, predicted that the discovery would lead them to invent something called an “improbability drive” in 2013, which the Obama administration promised would be used to power a new version of the Chevy Volt.
The rest of June was spent parsing the Supreme Court’s Orwellian decision on Obamacare. The high court determined that because the individual mandate wasn’t a tax, the court had jurisdiction over the case (of which it would otherwise have been divested by the Anti-Injunction Act), and then proceeded to rule that it was a tax so the court could uphold it in a decision that had to have been ghost-written by Professor Irwin Corey in collaboration with Rachel Maddow. The government — not content to tax what we do — can now tax what we don’t do. Sources say that Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are collaborating on bills to tax many non-actions including when we don’t buy Chevy Volts, pay to see Ben Affleck movies, or buy bottles of Higgs boson-scented perfume for our wives.
June ended with a massive storm that knocked power out from Ohio to Georgia. The ever-helpful Washington Post printed a list of information guides intended to help people deal with the power outage, but the full text of the guides were only available online at the Post’s website.
As the power outage dragged on, JULY came upon us with a blast of heat unmatched by anything political. Well, anything political except the news that Ralph Lauren had decided to ditch those offensively-American cowboy hats and baseball caps to top our Olympic team’s uniforms. Instead, our Olympians were outfitted with berets and cute blue blazers made in China. Some newspaper said the berets made the athletes look like French intellectuals, which wasn’t right at all. To achieve that appearance, the Olympians would have had to be smoking Gauloises and sneering.
The murder rate in Chicago spiked so high that even Mayor Rahm Effing Emanuel noticed. He blamed the street slaughter on the Bush administration, a claim which MSNBC broadcasted non-stop for three days. Perhaps Chicago’s pain could have been eased by adopting the idea of the Robinson Funeral Home in Easly, South Carolina, which announced that it would soon have a Starbucks coffee shop in a new section of its facilities, unaffected by the Bloomberg cup size limits.
The Navy’s Enterprise Land Mobile Radio System — operating from the submarine base near Groton — was broadcasting on the same frequency as garage door openers in southern Connecticut, jamming their signal. The Navy refused to comment upon an apparently related report that the missile hatches on a ballistic missile submarine were seen to be flapping up and down after Groton residents mounted a push-button protest with their garage door controllers. Before July expired Mitt Romney — joining 007 and Queen Elizabeth — parachuted into the opening ceremony of the London Olympics.
AUGUST began with more heat and, as the Olympics rolled on, the International Olympic Committee debated whether it owed the world an apology for allowing NBC to inflict its feminist idea of sports coverage on the entire world. NBC apparently believes that we need to be punished for millennia of male domination in sports, giving us live coverage of nothing but events in which women competed or in which men competed in sports better left to the girls, such as field hockey.
A man of faith in a godless age is hitting Americans where it hurts.
Mr. and Mrs. American Spectator Reader, let P.J. O’Rourke talk sense to your kids.
In Britain, defending your property can get you life.
The debacle of this president’s administration is both a cause and a symptom of the decline of American values. Unless Congress impeaches him, that decline will go on unchecked. An eminent jurist surveys the damage and assesses the chances for the recovery of our culture.
It won’t take long for conservatives to scratch this presidential wannabe off their 2008 scorecard.
The American Christmas, like the songs that celebrate it, makes room for everybody under the rainbow. Is that why so many people seem to be hostile to it?
Was the President done in by the economy, or by the politics of the economy?