If you think 2013 will be any better, John Boehner has a Plan C to sell you.
2011 delivered so much political chicanery and congressional knavery some thought that 2012 couldn’t possibly outdo it.
The more cynical among us, including your humble correspondent, knew better. A presidential election year would be enough to guarantee a new low, and we knew Obamacare would come before the Supreme Court, NBC would be in charge of the Olympics, the EU would continue its monetary meltdown while France — our favorite comic opera country — would be holding its own presidential election. Inevitably, we concluded, 2012 would leap every hurdle to make 2011’s nitwittery seem mild in comparison. And, of course, it did.
The monthly accounting of 2012 is ready, and it reads like a movie script Mel Brooks would have rejected.
JANUARY was a tough month. Several of the Republican presidential wannabes rolled over quicker than the Italian cruise liner Costa Concordia. The difference between the candidates’ Gucci-shod consultants and the ship’s captain (one Francesco Schettino) was obvious. Schettino abandoned ship as fast as he could, leaving the women and children behind. The consultants clung desperately to their candidates until the money ran out.
Captain Schettino will be remembered only because his name will become a very versatile verb. For example, one friend of mine in the special operations community assures me that it’s a commonplace for terrorists to schettino in their pants when the SEALs or Delta guys come through the window. The Speurozone is still in deep schettino, and may fall apart any time.
Before January was out, French President Nicolas Sarkozy — fearing the candidacy of socialist Francois Hollande — took decisive action by banning hollandaise sauce from the Elysée Palace.
FEBRUARY started with a bang and Donald Trump’s endorsement of Mitt Romney. Trump’s headline was reportedly brought about by a demand from his hairdresser who also services Romney’s “do” with moose and spray (or is that mousse and squirrel?). Meanwhile, France’s economy threatened its national identity. The declining Speuro led to the closure of the nation’s last beret factory in Oloron-Sainte-Marie. (Sarkozy, reading his dismal polls, voiced concern over the law imposing the French 35-hour maximum work week but quickly retreated after his valet threatened workplace violence, refusing to press the prime minister’s pants, if he were required to work a 36th hour.)
Mr. Chance Bothe sent a text message from his smart phone saying, “I need to quit texting, because I could die in a car accident.” About one minute later, Mr. Bothe’s car shot off the road into a ravine, costing him a broken neck, a crushed skull, traumatic brain injury, and increased insurance premiums.
President Obama’s doughty efforts to secure our borders hit a new high in effectiveness when 13,000 dangerous illegals were stopped from entering the country. The 13,000 were hair dryers seized for inadequate shock proofing. As February closed the Speurozone’s leaders — fresh from their nineteenth summit in as many weeks — were sufficiently sober to put pressure on Greece to live up to the budget-cutting promises made at each of the preceding summits. As an incentive, they decided to give Greece more of Germany’s money.
MARCH began with a technological breakthrough that should have general application in parenting and politics. According to a Fox News report, Japan’s National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology developed a portable “SpeechJammer” gun that can silence people more than 30 meters away. The announcement said, “The device works by recording its target’s speech then firing their words back at them with a 0.2-second delay, which affects the brain’s cognitive processes and causes speakers to stutter before silencing them completely.”
The invention came too late for Newt Gingrich, whose plan to turn the moon into a colony he would govern resulted in the sudden reappearance of moon men Gidney and Cloyd, last seen in about 1964. The two threatened to colonize the former Speaker’s rotund figure if he even tried to set foot on the moon.
The primaries rolled on, and after Super Tuesday, Ron Paul’s campaign team was wondering why his search for convention delegates and the missing quart of strawberries hadn’t succeeded. The candidate had a ready explanation: “Ahh, but the strawberries that’s… that’s where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with… geometric logic… that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox DID exist, and I’d have produced that key if they’d voted for me. I, I, I know now they were only trying to protect Ben Bernanke.”
Shortly after, Consumer Reports tried to road test the $100,000 Fisker “Karma” electric plug-in sports car. As CR wrote, “We buy about 80 cars a year and this is the first time in memory that we have had a car that is undriveable before it has finished our check-in process.” Last seen, the Green Grifter Roadster was being hauled away on the back of a car carrier. Meanwhile, Chevrolet reported that it had stopped production of Obama’s favorite car, the indescribably stupid Volt.
During a U.S. visit, British PM David Cameron flew off to an NCAA game with President Obama, returning to Washington on Air Force One late that night. According to an AFP report, Cameron later said, “Barack went to the back of the plane and explained to my private secretary and the team ‘don’t worry, the British Prime Minister is fine I have just tucked him up in bed.’ I don’t think that has happened before.” It wasn’t long after that Obama tucked Cameron again, the president asserting that America was neutral in the revived dispute between the UK and Argentina over the Falkland Islands.
Before March ended, the producers of a movie about a former White House butler — imaginatively titled “The Butler” — cast Hanoi Jane Fonda as Nancy Reagan. The producers were reportedly negotiating with Chris Matthews to play the role of President Reagan.
A man of faith in a godless age is hitting Americans where it hurts.
Mr. and Mrs. American Spectator Reader, let P.J. O’Rourke talk sense to your kids.
In Britain, defending your property can get you life.
It won’t take long for conservatives to scratch this presidential wannabe off their 2008 scorecard.
Was the President done in by the economy, or by the politics of the economy?