The American Spectator

• President Buchanan signed a bill abolishing the minimum wage. “The main beneficiaries of this bill will be young blacks,” he explained, “but that’s unavoidable. The positive side is that white employers will profit too.”

June:
• INS officials demanded the extradition of fugitive abortionist Dr. Henry Coombs from Sweden, to stand trial in this country for crimes against humanity.

• The Supreme Court struck down as unconstitutional the drunk driving laws of all 50 states. Speaking for the five-man majority, Justice Grover Rees held that drunk driving was protected by a “penumbra” of the Twenty-First Amendment.

• In a voice vote, the House of Representatives voted down a proposal to restore women’s suffrage.

July:
• An explosion ripped through the New York headquarters of the American Civil Liberties Union, killing the entire national board of directors, who had convened for their annual meeting. A city police official said the blast was “probably due to faulty wiring or something,” adding that he saw no need for an investigation.

• In his first White House visit, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini congratulated the United States on its moral regeneration. “We used to think of the U.S. as ‘the Great Satan,’” the aged ayatollah smiled. “How times do change.”

August:
• A special prosecutor announced the indictment of six Democratic congressmen on charges of treason, citing “a clear pattern of pro-Communist discrimination” in their voting records.

• Chicago police issued an apology after raiding a Ku Klux Klan meeting, explaining that they had been misled by an anonymous tip that the gathering was socialistic.

September:
• The FBI formally established a new department of Vice Control, popularly known as “bedroom cops.” “The law is very clear as to sodomy,” said FBI director John Lofton. “It means all forms of sodomy, and it doesn’t make exceptions for husbands and wives. Being married doesn’t put you above the law.”

• President Buchanan returned from a state visit to South Africa, during which he conferred with South African leaders about a mutual defense pact. “I saw a vibrant, booming country,” he said in a nationally televised address. “Where are they now, those prophets of gloom and doom who said apartheid would never work?”

• Secretary of State Howard Phillips responded harshly to Soviet charges that the United States is hatching plans for a new escalation of the arms race, in violation of formal and informal arms control agreements. “Since when do they think treaties are holy?” he snorted.

• The United States agreed to pay reparations to the government of Nicaragua for its role in toppling the regime of the late Anastasio Somoza. “We hope this will remove one of the darkest stains in our national record,” said President Buchanan. “We helped doom the Nicaraguan people to more than a decade of Communist tyranny.” Nicaraguan president Pedro Somoza termed the U.S. action “gracious and generous.”

October:
• The Supreme Court struck down all federal “social programs” passed since 1933 as invalid under the Tenth Amendment.

• President Buchanan signed into law a mandatory church attendance act. Brushing aside civil libertarian criticism of the law as “communistic,” the President called the Constitution “a living document whose genius lies in its adaptability to current needs.”

November:
• Pope John Paul III excommunicated the entire Jesuit order. Vatican observers predicted a similar move against the American Catholic bishops.