The best way I can describe the 2012 presidential campaign is to
liken it to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
Created by the late Douglas Adams in 1978 as a serial for BBC
Radio, it has since gone on to become a novel, a TV mini-series, a
primitive computer game, and eventually a major motion picture.
For those of you unfamiliar with The Hitchhiker’s
Guide, it tells the story of Arthur Dent who woke up one
morning to see that his home was about to be destroyed by the town
to make room for a bypass. However, his friend Ford Prefect comes
along with urgent news. Ford tells Arthur that he is not from
Guildford but rather from a small planet in the vicinity of
Betelgeuse. Not only that, but the world is about to end in ten
minutes. The Earth is about to be destroyed by a Vogon constructor
ship to make way for a hyperspace express route. Fortunately for
Arthur, Ford has come to save his life and has taken him through a
matter transference beam and hitched a ride on the Vogon
constructor fleet.
Vogons, “although not evil, are a bad tempered, bureaucratic,
officious and callous race who wouldn’t even lift a finger to save
their own grandmothers from the ravenous Bugblatter Beast of
Traal.” If Arthur and Ford are lucky, they will be thrown off the
ship. If Arthur and Ford are unlucky, they might be subjected to a
reading of Vogon poetry, which is said to be the third worse in the
entire universe.
As Ford tells Arthur, “It’s a tough universe. There’s all sort
of people and things trying to do you, kill you, rip you off,
everything. If you’re going to survive out there, you’ve really got
to know where your towel is.”
Fortunately for Arthur and Ford, after they are thrown off the
Vogon ship they are rescued by Ford’s semi-half-cousin Zaphod
Beeblebrox, his assistant Trillian, and a robot with serious
depression and a planet-sized brain named Marvin. To Arthur’s
dismay, he had met Trillian at a party and was going to buy her a
drink when she was whisked away by Zaphod.
As they traverse across the universe, they are aided by the
Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (arguably the first e-book), which
features the phrase “DON’T PANIC” on its cover written in large
friendly letters.
Although it is highly unlikely any American will find himself in
outer space wearing a bathrobe, I think that many an American voter
is not too far removed from the plight of Arthur Dent. He’s
basically an honest, decent, hard-working fellow. Unfortunately,
his honesty, decency, and diligence are no match for the arbitrary,
capricious, and obtuse nature of a local government determined to
tear down his home by order of eminent domain.
He may have even voted for Barack Obama four years ago but now
finds himself disappointed and disillusioned with Obama for
bringing about despair and doubt instead of hope and change. Over
the past four years, this Obama voter may have had his mind changed
by a good friend who had introduced him to such literary tracts as
Where Obama Went Wrong, Some More of Obama’s Greatest
Mistakes, and Who Is This Obama Person Anyway?
Although Obama might not have destroyed America and replaced it
with a bypass made of solar panels, these Arthur Dents have come to
believe that he has transformed this country into something beyond
our recognition. They see a federal government that, while not
evil, is a bad tempered bureaucratic, officious, and callous class
of people who wouldn’t lift a finger to save their grandmothers
from the ravenous Independent Payment Advisory Board.
Regrettably, honest, decent Americans who dare to raise an
objection to Obama’s policies are put upon and branded as racists,
Neanderthals, and otherwise deemed unworthy of inclusion in polite
society. Such people run the risk of being swept up by an Obama
campaign bus, being force fed his speeches before being
unceremoniously dumped on the South Side of Chicago.
The Arthur Dents of this country are also not quite sure what to
make of Mitt Romney. The media insists he is a tax cheating
murderer who believes that the answer to life, the universe, and
everything is 47 rather than 42. Yet the Arthur Dents see Romney as
mostly harmless. As much as they have come to dislike Obama, they
don’t know if being mostly harmless is a quality that would be any
match for the being revered in some quarters as if he truly were
The Anointed One.
Despite these odds, I say DON’T PANIC. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to
the 2012 Presidential Race is incomplete. The debates have yet to
begin. So for goodness sake, don’t throw in your towel. You may
need it. So make sure you know where your towel is.
