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Another Perspective
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the 2012 Presidential Race
It only seems the world is about to end in 10 minutes.
The best way I can describe the 2012 presidential campaign is to liken it to The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Created by the late Douglas Adams in 1978 as a serial for BBC Radio, it has since gone on to become a novel, a TV mini-series, a primitive computer game, and eventually a major motion picture.
For those of you unfamiliar with The Hitchhiker’s Guide, it tells the story of Arthur Dent who woke up one morning to see that his home was about to be destroyed by the town to make room for a bypass. However, his friend Ford Prefect comes along with urgent news. Ford tells Arthur that he is not from Guildford but rather from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. Not only that, but the world is about to end in ten minutes. The Earth is about to be destroyed by a Vogon constructor ship to make way for a hyperspace express route. Fortunately for Arthur, Ford has come to save his life and has taken him through a matter transference beam and hitched a ride on the Vogon constructor fleet.
Vogons, “although not evil, are a bad tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous race who wouldn’t even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.” If Arthur and Ford are lucky, they will be thrown off the ship. If Arthur and Ford are unlucky, they might be subjected to a reading of Vogon poetry, which is said to be the third worse in the entire universe.
As Ford tells Arthur, “It’s a tough universe. There’s all sort of people and things trying to do you, kill you, rip you off, everything. If you’re going to survive out there, you’ve really got to know where your towel is.”
Fortunately for Arthur and Ford, after they are thrown off the Vogon ship they are rescued by Ford’s semi-half-cousin Zaphod Beeblebrox, his assistant Trillian, and a robot with serious depression and a planet-sized brain named Marvin. To Arthur’s dismay, he had met Trillian at a party and was going to buy her a drink when she was whisked away by Zaphod.
As they traverse across the universe, they are aided by the Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (arguably the first e-book), which features the phrase “DON’T PANIC” on its cover written in large friendly letters.
Although it is highly unlikely any American will find himself in outer space wearing a bathrobe, I think that many an American voter is not too far removed from the plight of Arthur Dent. He’s basically an honest, decent, hard-working fellow. Unfortunately, his honesty, decency, and diligence are no match for the arbitrary, capricious, and obtuse nature of a local government determined to tear down his home by order of eminent domain.
He may have even voted for Barack Obama four years ago but now finds himself disappointed and disillusioned with Obama for bringing about despair and doubt instead of hope and change. Over the past four years, this Obama voter may have had his mind changed by a good friend who had introduced him to such literary tracts as Where Obama Went Wrong, Some More of Obama’s Greatest Mistakes, and Who Is This Obama Person Anyway?
Although Obama might not have destroyed America and replaced it with a bypass made of solar panels, these Arthur Dents have come to believe that he has transformed this country into something beyond our recognition. They see a federal government that, while not evil, is a bad tempered bureaucratic, officious, and callous class of people who wouldn’t lift a finger to save their grandmothers from the ravenous Independent Payment Advisory Board.
Regrettably, honest, decent Americans who dare to raise an objection to Obama’s policies are put upon and branded as racists, Neanderthals, and otherwise deemed unworthy of inclusion in polite society. Such people run the risk of being swept up by an Obama campaign bus, being force fed his speeches before being unceremoniously dumped on the South Side of Chicago.
The Arthur Dents of this country are also not quite sure what to make of Mitt Romney. The media insists he is a tax cheating murderer who believes that the answer to life, the universe, and everything is 47 rather than 42. Yet the Arthur Dents see Romney as mostly harmless. As much as they have come to dislike Obama, they don’t know if being mostly harmless is a quality that would be any match for the being revered in some quarters as if he truly were The Anointed One.
Despite these odds, I say DON’T PANIC. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the 2012 Presidential Race is incomplete. The debates have yet to begin. So for goodness sake, don’t throw in your towel. You may need it. So make sure you know where your towel is.
About the Author
Aaron Goldstein writes from Boston, Massachusetts.
John786| 9.26.12 @ 7:01AM
The question is not can Romney win (snowball... hell), but why aren't the republicans walking this. With the state of unemployment the republicans shouldn't even need to run a campaign. Where did it all go wrong. The answer I believe lies on this website.
Aristocat| 9.26.12 @ 7:13AM
Don't panic ! The campaign hasn't started yet and the media want to declare O'Bummer the winner by default....Since their coup of 1973 when they hounded Nixon out of office, the media has become the de facto government...We need a revolution to overthrow the Demo-Media dictatorship and restore constitutiona republican government to our beloved country.
Who Knows?| 9.26.12 @ 9:54AM
The simple reason the GOP isn't way ahead is that Obama is black.
Too many voters are, in effect, affirmative action babies.
Appleby| 9.26.12 @ 7:09AM
I have absolutely no idea what I just read.
R Martin| 9.26.12 @ 7:31AM
In that case, the Mensa admission standards need to be re-evaluated.
Appleby| 9.26.12 @ 9:32AM
Why, because interpreting incoherent bafflegab is a skill set? I'd rather try to explain string theory to someone who thinks "Looper" is science.
R Martin| 9.26.12 @ 9:55AM
No, because not understanding a rather simple analogy suggests a certain lack of skills. Now I don't know what "Looper" is but let's just say I think it's science. Would you then please explian string theory to me...and the rest of us.
BTW, the answer to life, the universe and everything...now that's science.
Appleby| 9.26.12 @ 1:34PM
Looper is a movie that just came out, in which a hitman is stationed in the future and the mafia sends people from the past to him so he can kill them...and then they send HIM from the past and tell him to kill his younger self....
Von Mises Jr| 9.26.12 @ 7:58AM
I think he just said that Obama is an illegal alien.
fmm| 9.26.12 @ 1:15PM
I think he extended that to all politicians are illegal aliens.
Mike Rogers | 9.26.12 @ 8:35AM
Then you're missing out on one of the funniest book series on, or off, the planet.
I don't know about illegal alien, but I've always thought that Obama's oratory was more like Vogon poetry than anything else. Also, it is verifiable that government has become more bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious, and callous under Obama.
irish19| 9.26.12 @ 8:51AM
Excellent comparison!!! Pomposity without any hint of substance.
John Navratil| 9.26.12 @ 8:31PM
Appleby,
It's late in the day and I'm on my second drink, but - the allegory is that the sleepy, leave me alone, voter is now standing beside his repossessed house wondering WTF.
Joellen| 9.26.12 @ 8:26AM
Obama is WRONG for the USA. The USA was established by men and women who wanted FREEDOM, Obama and his ilk want control. The USA was started with the ground work of the Ten Commandments, Obama wants GOD's Ten Commandments removed and instead put his dictorial laws in place. The USA was started by men & women who loved the very concept of what they were promoting, a country that would allow you the individual to excell without the interference of the government, the love of GOD's law, family, country - Obama & his ilk, hates everything that is good and holy that this country was based on. When out there educating those who need it - always compare Obama to President Washington and how Washington prayed for this country, prayed for his men and how all the Patriots truly sacrificed for this land. Can anyone tell me ONE sacrifice Obama made for this country - JUST ONE? The fact that remains strong is Obama does NOT LIKE the USA. That along should promp all to pull the lever for Romney. If Romney doesnt do the job right then we pull the lever for someone who will in 2016. Right now though Obama must go - and that should be our ultimate goal this November.
fmm| 9.26.12 @ 1:16PM
Well said.
Mike Rogers | 9.26.12 @ 8:30AM
That's Guildford, Surrey, and the Bugblatter beast of Traal, but a great article nonetheless!
Don't panic, check out unskewedpolls.com, and persuade your friends that the country's slide can be arrested by Mitt Romney, and his CFO, Paul Ryan.
Bonus, after the country's slide being arrested, would be Obama being arrested.... Hey why can't a man dream?
Oh, and never lose track of your towel.
irish19| 9.26.12 @ 8:54AM
"never lose track of your towel"
What an excellent bumper sticker that would make-for those in the know.
mike 3/505| 9.26.12 @ 9:08AM
I hesitate to support that, as it is also a popular saying in San Fransisco.
mike 3/505| 9.26.12 @ 9:08AM
Francisco
Paul McGrath| 9.26.12 @ 11:02AM
Very clever, Mike. HIlarious, in fact.
mike 3/505| 9.26.12 @ 6:39PM
I'm hoping to make up for my last week's poor performance in Tim's contest. He rebuked me quite firmly and my sense of self esteem hasn't yet fully recovered. Gaaaag! Did I just say that crap?
Appleby| 9.26.12 @ 1:35PM
It was a bumper sticker about 30 years ago. I think I still have one somewhere.
mike 3/505| 9.26.12 @ 9:09AM
I think Aaron has his next entry for Tim's contest
Who Knows?| 9.26.12 @ 9:56AM
Never forget your brain.
For Obama fans, find yours.
dsayne| 9.26.12 @ 10:42AM
Why do I feel like Agrajag?
Who Knows?| 9.26.12 @ 11:36AM
The world IS going to end in ten minutes---for those who will die in the next 600 seconds.
Come slowly, or come quickly, but surely come to me.
So saith death. Proudly. Being.
Al Adab| 9.26.12 @ 1:40PM
42
Occam's Tool| 9.26.12 @ 4:40PM
"One of the things that makes Marciano a disconcerting fighter for a good boxer like Charles is that even his awkwardness is inconsistent; every now and then he does something highly skilled..."
(AJ Liebling)
Don't lose hope in the New Brockton Blockbuster. In the next month, I suspect the Romney camp will do something highly skilled, and Obama, like Ezzard Charles, will lose.
Jane Chingo| 9.26.12 @ 5:28PM
Did you strain yourself much reaching for that analogy? You didn't describe H2G2 well enough to make sense to anybody who hasn't already read it (and you only covered the first book, at that), and it certainly doesn't make any sense to someone who has read the book. And Arthur Dent *did* foil the city -- by lying on the ground in front of the bulldozer. It was the Vogons who got him.