There is no discernible nutritional difference between food from
the farmer’s market and food from the supermarket, scientists
report. But there is a dramatic price variation, and that status
separation was the point all along.
People don’t pay for better-for-you. They pay for
better-than-you.
The study, released earlier this week by medical researchers at
Stanford University and the Palo Alto VA, found essentially the
same protein, vitamin, and fat content between organic and standard
store-bought food. Normal food did exhibit slightly higher
pesticide residues, which is another way of saying bugs ate your
organic food before you did.
It may be best to refrain from sharing this health news with
people who tend to be evangelical regarding their dietary beliefs.
The crowd at Whole Foods can be downright preachy. America’s
leading advice columnists surely have a bead on emerging forms of
table snobbery, which have shifted from the proper placement of
utensils to the farming techniques used to raise consumables.
The hostess of a dinner party informs Ask Amy, “An invited guest
has stated that she can eat only organic food purchased at a
specific specialty store. This can be very expensive and I’m not
prepared to do it.” Another woman tells of how the wealthier moms
in her daughter’s playgroup ostracize her. “I sent some homemade
cookies and store-bought veggies and dip for the snack last week,”
the mom tells Dear Prudence, “and apparently this was not up to
snuff! The mothers said that my vegetables were clearly not
homegrown and organic and that they could taste the pesticides and
preservatives on them. They asked if I knew that ranch dip is high
in cholesterol and saturated fat which leads to heart disease.”
The words that come out of their mouths, as much as the food
that goes in them, exemplify the arrogance. Wonder Bread is as
organic — i.e., it is the stuff of living material — as Joseph’s
Heart Healthy Pita Bread. It may not be as healthy. It is as
organic. It’s hard to believe, but even the glassed-in edibles
under that red lamp at 7-11 are organic. Who awarded wealthy white
food fascists the copyright to the word “organic”?
Inspired by Stanford’s report, I conducted my own scientific
study and discovered that eating organic food results in a dire
medical condition called DBS. That’s doctor jargon for, well — the
last letter stands for “syndrome” and the second one stands for
“bag.” And that “D”? Even Scaramouche could deduce despite my inner
censor giving it the shoosh.
Symptoms of DBS include a preference for European football over
American football, a belief that watching Charlie Rose makes one an
intellectual, and a penchant for wearing seasonally inappropriate
clothing, such as shorts in winter or turtlenecks in summer.
If you know a couple married by a priestess wearing a
rainbow-colored “Coexist” stole, who raise cats rather than kids,
where the husband sports a ponytail and the wife a boy’s regular,
and who go by separate last names, chances are they are burdened
with DBS.
Rural America, which presumably harvests most of America’s
organic food, remains strangely immune from DBS. The affliction
reaches epidemic proportions around Harvard Square, on Telegraph
Avenue, and in the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn. Like hepatitis
A, DBS is spread by foul digestibles — Trader Joe’s seems an
especially egregious incubator of the illness. But like hepatitis
C, DBS seems as much a social disease as anything else. It’s
contagious, so be careful who you break whole-grain bread with.
If you recognize the symptoms of DBS in yourself, don’t fret. An
antidote exists. Developed by a medicine man known as Mayor
McCheese, alongside his lab assistants Grimace and the Hamburglar,
the Big Mac offers curative powers in its yummy deliciousness. It
has spawned generic imitators: the Whopper, the Chalupa Supreme,
Dave’s Hot N Juicy 3/4 lb. Triple, and, of course, the Fatburger
XXXL. They all work, so for less than $4 — approximately the price
of an apple at Whole Foods — DBS can be successfully treated.
Once tasting the bounty of the Golden Arches, one tends to avoid
the farmer’s market.
For people who have made a religion of science, the Stanford
study’s findings will be as difficult to swallow as a gluten-free
cupcake. But, as we are reminded from debates over global warming
and evolution, science has spoken — so shut up and eat it.
