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Last Call
Gay Like Me
Getting on the right side of history can’t wait.
After President Obama’s gay emancipation proclamation, Newsweek’s cover photo that dubbed him “The First Gay President” amid a saintly multihued halo, and more states about to legalize gay marriage, the time seems right for me to go gay. This will shock my friends and associates, much as it has shocked me, but it’s the right choice. I’ve long sought an alternative lifestyle to my own drab metrosexual one.
It hasn’t been an easy decision, one taken lightly, and has caused many a restless night and much soulsearching. But it now seems clear that gay is the only thing to be right now; I want to be on the right side of history. Gay is the wave of the future, as cutting-edge as can be, extremely In. Gay is the new black, just as black was once the new Jewish. To seal the deal, I even love musicals and live in San Francisco.
I am usually not in the forefront of hot new social trends — no tattoos for this lad, no Blu-ray TV, no vegan diets — but the gay movement has so invaded, not to say overtaken, the mainstream culture that it may well be passé in a few years. So I’m a little late to get in on the ground floor, but maybe I can still leap on the fast-moving same-sex bandwagon. Until now, I’ve had to be satisfied with same-old sex (or some sex) relationships.
Originally I considered declaring myself bisexual, and for a brief period even flirted (with my other half) with going transgender, but gay seemed the safest, easiest, least complicated course. All indications are that being gay is going to make life easier for me — until now just another boring garden-variety aging heterosexual with no clothes sense or special rights. It sounds crass, but I’d like to cash in if I can. In time, gays, like seniors, will be granted discounts at hotels and movies, with preferred seating on buses and subways, and possibly frequent flier deals and special menus for those with more refined appetites.
The mere act of coming out also has become a cottage publishing industry, and, as a freelance writer, I suspect my new identity will give me an instant wellshod foot in the door to interest a major house in my unique dramatic tale. I can’t recall a sitcom, a movie, or a book about a straight guy who becomes gay to advance his career — like the white guy who posed as an African American in Black Like Me. It is now derigueur that any film, TV series, novel, or play include at least one gay character; the more the merrier.
The only downside I can see is that this lifestyle change will mean I may have to get married to a guy — not my first choice. But then I’ve always thought that I needed a man around the house for the chores I can’t handle (all of them). Just as it is said that every wife needs a wife, every husband could use a handyman on the premises. And it will now allow me to casually refer to my “husband.”
Pat Buchanan recently stated that if Obama is reelected and gets to appoint a new Supreme Court justice, “gay marriage will be forced on all of America.” Should that happen, I’d like to be a little ahead of the curve. It’s not unlikely that Obama will appoint a gay Supreme Court justice, making it even more hip to be gay. The hopes of gays and lesbians were severely dashed when the unmarried Elena Kagan was forced to come out of the closet and confess that she is actually straight. Sad but true.
As I say, finally deciding to become gay is not something that has come easy to me, given my long history in the passé straight world. It’s taken me years to change my position. You might even say that I’ve — well, evolved.
About the Author
Gerald Nachman is a writer in San Francisco and most recently the author of Right Here on Our Stage Tonight!: Ed Sullivan’s America (University of California Press).
Letter to the Editor View all comments (20) | Leave a comment
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MelvinNC| 8.15.12 @ 7:23AM
Jeez, what a conundrum to be in. An aging heterosexual coming out of three closets at the same time would amount to sensory overload.
But then again could the aging heterosexual coming out of three closets at the same time still be called an angry aging, white male, racist, bigoted, homophobe. Hmm I don't think I forgot anything. Let me check again. Angry, check, aging, check, white male, check, racist, check, bigoted, check, and finally homophobe, check. Damn, I still have that feeling that I forgot something. !Oh I got it, Christian I forgot angry Christian.
Angry aging, white male, racist, bigoted, Christian homophobe. There I feel comfortable with that. Funny I don't feel all that enlightened. The Left promised me that I would feel enlightened, this is just not fair. As of right now I declare myself a victim. "Hmm now where is the nearest Social Security Office? Look under victimization."
Cobalt| 8.15.12 @ 8:52AM
Go for it, Nachman, and be sure to drive a Miata.
Eztli Olfrygt| 8.16.12 @ 7:54PM
The Miata is a car for those of us who enjoy driving just for the fun of it. At 25 grand or so, it is the least expensive of the hard-top convertibles.
C. Vernon Crisler | 8.15.12 @ 9:00AM
Gerald, you should go on Red Eye, and make sure to wear rich, bold colors that make a statement. The only real problem I see for you is that you might have to be a guest of Joan Rivers -- than which nothing more horrible can be imagined.
apnep| 8.15.12 @ 9:50AM
snort. snicker. heehee. ;)
fmm| 8.15.12 @ 10:21AM
Seems like a good start. But may I suggest you go the route of multiple fake Social Security Numbers, which according to the trail on Obama is an acceptable way to go. You could have one each for the following characteristics with the appropriate history: gay (man and woman), black, hispanic, disabled, Islamist, democrat political donor, and any more you can think of. What a haul you would make.
Fredx| 8.15.12 @ 11:27AM
Don't Nach it if you haven't tried it.
Paul McGrath| 8.15.12 @ 11:33AM
Very good, Mr. Nachman. This one you hit out of the park!
Joe D.| 8.15.12 @ 12:29PM
Obviously you have evolved into an idiot. More states are about to reject, as the other 32 have, fake marriage. We do not care about your private life. Just keep it that way. You were not born this way and therefore your choice is not something we wish to celebrate with you.
We don't hate you are wish you ill. However, that comes with this lifestyle choice. I would love for you, along with the 2% other homosexuals, to get help for your own good. But I can not and would never dream of forcing you. So don't force this lifestyle on America in the stamp of marriage.
Occam's Tool| 8.15.12 @ 8:04PM
Joe: Mr. Nachmann's article is what is known as satire. A joke, a mirage, a fantasy to free me ---but true, no, not at all.
You see, he was writing from another dimension (but where is the intention?). Well secluded, he sees all.
With a bit of a mind flip, he's into a time slip, where nothing, can ever be the same. He's spaced out on sedation, like he's under sedation....
(All together now: Let's do the Time Warp Again!)
Thank you, Rocky Horror, with minor alterations by Occam's Tool.
Occam's Tool| 8.15.12 @ 8:05PM
"spaced out on sensation," dammit.
Again, my thanks to Riff-Raff, (Mr. O' Brien) for that fabulous song...
Petronius| 8.15.12 @ 1:31PM
p-asse'
Bad pun. Baaaad pun.
Tell me again what's so great about joining the herd. If this country is subjugated to Islam will you become a suicide bomber?
Ken (Old Texican)| 8.15.12 @ 2:30PM
I've said it many times...
I JUST DON'T GET INTO ANYTHING THAT HUIRTS ...OR SMELLS LIKE DOO DOO.
Ken (Old Texican)| 8.15.12 @ 2:48PM
tHINK ABOUT IT YOUNG PEOPLE. You have a pleasant orgasm, then sit back with a lap full of excrement. Real sexy right?
Well, that very situation has sent a lot of men "straight".
However,
we really cannot fix stupid here.
Bob Grant| 8.15.12 @ 9:14PM
Heh,
Yea, when you put it in those clinical/sanitary terms, it's not what it's cracked up to be...so to speak.
And thanks for not mentioning all the issues with being the "catcher".
Petronius| 8.15.12 @ 4:53PM
K
Stupidity isn't part of the equation. The premise of this number is the point of depravity at which Cool loses it's cachet. Obama can screw the pooch and eat it too because he's one of "them". That's all that matters.
clemsberry| 8.15.12 @ 9:38PM
very cool. i enjoyed it. maybe its not too late for me. hold a seat on that banwagon, i'm coming.
Kellerstephen| 8.16.12 @ 1:49AM
Heehee. But I read a satirical book about a guy who pretends to be gay so he can tell their story. It's funny as hell too. It's even called "Gay Like Me." it's on Amazon. So you better move quick, that bandwagon's rolling out.
marcos| 8.16.12 @ 1:47PM
Gerald, I don't care if you are gay or if you are not. I don't want to have government be the arbiter of how you live your life. If you want to get 'married' its ok with me. If you want to adopt children, live an activist life or keep to yourself, its ok with me. When I was a kid in elementary school the taught us that Republicans believed in privacy and individual rights and less government involvement in business and social programs. I guess I am a Republican but I don't think this country is going the right direction when it comes to invading personal freedom. Let women deal with their own personal issues personally and privately and get out of people lives, government and Republicans and Democrats. Leave us to decide on our own how we will live.
Mistral| 8.16.12 @ 5:31PM
USA is a wonderful country alright - it exports its violence all over the wolrd; it transgresses the sovereignty of nation-states; it has legalised the death of infants in the womb and has developed the most effective means of wiping out ethnic groups artificially and supports this with American tax dollaers everywhere; it has pushed the gay agenda so far now that all over the world whole cultures and natural law itself must bend to the new liberal dictates of Uncle Sam's tyranny that anyone has the freedom to do anything they please provided they are not normal.
You do not "trust in God" America - you hate Him and you defy His laws with an arrogance that is going to be your epitaph.