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Ben Stein's Diary
Too Much Illness and Death
Yet on Independence Day, in many places, America itself still works.
Sunday
Wow. What a day. I awakened filled
with dread. That makes it a normal day for me. I trudged (the road
of happy destiny) over to my office above the garage. Just as I
reached the top of the stairs, my wifey came out of the house in
her robe and said, “Zelda has died.”
Zelda was our poor, pitiful German short-haired pointer who was terrified of men. She had supposedly been owned by a man who abused her horribly and she cowered whenever a man came into the room. She was emaciated and poorly trained, but when I was lying down and not towering above her, she was affectionate. She mainly loved my wife and hung out with her constantly.
When we played ball, she ran for the ball eagerly. When she could pry it out of the mouth of my Julie Goodgirl, she would drop it into the pool and wait for me to retrieve it and then she would run for it.
Just a few weeks ago, she attacked Julie Goodgirl for getting to the ball first and took to biting Julie on the nose. Julie’s poor nose bled and bled and still has dreadful scars. (I do put Neo Sporin on it consistently and that helps.)
We rescued Zelda about two years ago. Shortly after that, she showed signs of weakness, and we brought her to the vet. He diagnosed Addison’s Disease, the same ailment that afflicted JFK. We had her treated with what the vet said was right, hydrocortisone, and she seemed to be doing well. Just yesterday, she was furiously chasing the ball when I threw it.
She cuddled with my wife last night but this morning, she was dead.
Rigor mortis had already set in, and I carried her downstairs. A dog mortician came and got her remains and the house feels empty without her.
Eleven months ago, when we drove down to the desert, we had four dogs with us: my favorite, Brigid, a GSP of immense warmth and lovability, really my dog; Cleo, a bit sluggish but also loveable and of course, a GSP; Mopsy, Alex’s pitiful, yapping, but brilliantly inventive and aggressive Maltese — who could open bags of potato chips and eat them in the car — and hiding on the floor of the back seat, Zelda.
Now, they are all dead. All dead. Of course, I have Julie Goodgirl, but Alex has only her seven cats. It was a morbid day. Alex, normally the most strong and sanguine of women, is crying.
It was especially morbid after yesterday, when we had our granddaughter’s first birthday party. Tommy made a delicious parfait. Kitty (staggeringly beautiful daughter-in-law) made a cake, and Tommy assembled an elaborate splashy toy from Toys’R’Us for his daughter. I slept on a chair in the back yard by the pool while Tommy worked purposefully next to me. It was a short but delightfully lush sleep. For some reason, I could not stop thinking of the FAO Schwartz that used to be on 14th Street, NW, next to Garfinckel’s in the 1950s — when their toys were one of a kind handmade wooden and metal, not mass-produced plastic. Wow, I am old. Still, Coco’s birthday party was glorious.
Anyway, that was yesterday. Today is sad.
Monday
Now, this is the real story of my
life: Alex and I flew from LAX to Portland, where we had a lovely
stopover at the B gates’ Alaska Airlines Board Room. It’s a great
club, and then we flew to Spokane on a Q400. Its ventilation did
not work (FAA take note) and it was cruelly hot inside. I thought I
was going to throw up, but I didn’t.
Then, in Spokane, I rented a Chrysler 300 C. On Route 200, my wife was complaining that I was driving too slow. “I’m going the speed limit,” I said.
“Well, go faster,” she said. She loves speed.
So, I went between 70 and 80. Sure enough, a state trooper pulled me over. Grinning from ear to ear. I said, “It’s my wife’s fault.” She laughed hilariously. He checked for a very long time to see if I had any outstanding warrants. Then, he wrote a speeding ticket and wished me good day. Alex literally could not stop laughing for an hour.
About the Author
Ben Stein is a writer, actor, economist, and lawyer living in Beverly Hills and Malibu. He writes “Ben Stein’s Diary” for every issue of The American Spectator.
Letter to the Editor View all comments (19) | Leave a comment
More Articles by Ben Stein
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Appleby| 7.5.12 @ 7:31AM
Sorry for your losses; it's the one thing the 1% and the rest of us share in equal measure, isn't it?
Brookschwarzenegro | 7.5.12 @ 6:08PM
Guys, if you don't like biotech, then don't complain. Make up your minds: be Luddites, or not--
but poop or get off your pots.
Hardcard| 7.5.12 @ 7:42AM
Wow this stuff is really exciting and very interesting. Take a big nap.
Cobalt| 7.5.12 @ 7:56AM
DOGTV.com
http://dogtv.com/
bls44mag| 7.5.12 @ 8:39AM
Sorry for your loss. Always enjoy reading your stuff and listening to you
doramin| 7.5.12 @ 8:57AM
What gets me about the quiz show scandal is that Charles Van Doren quit his day job as assistant professor at Columbia and became a book editor and later an editor at Encyclopedia Britannica, author in his own right and near recluse otherwise. Nowadays, the star of such a scandal would hasten to write his own book on the subject and basically trade on his notoriety for the big bucks. Heck, the now eighty-six year-old Van Doren could still write his memoir and hit the talk show circuit.
As an aside, no hard feelings intended, but is there anyone besides me who fervently wishes health and long life to Mr. Stein, and his loved ones, to be followed by a mercifully (for our sake) quick and unexpected death (and that he goes before his wife)?
Considering the dramatic flourishes over his dogs, I don't think I could take...
cuban pete| 7.5.12 @ 5:06PM
I believe VanDoren was fired. He did take his medicine and shut up.
Reggie Love| 7.5.12 @ 9:54AM
Ben Sten supports govenment run healthcare and tax increases.
RCV| 7.5.12 @ 1:43PM
Who's Ben Sten?
C. Vernon Crisler | 7.5.12 @ 11:14AM
I can understand the comment about the Ukranian girl who still liked the Soviet Union. I know a beautiful Russian girl from work, and she swears that everything was great in the Soviet Union, that Gorbachev was a criminal for allowing it to collapse, that all her needs were taken care of, and that by contrast it's hard going in America.
I advised her of three things: one, she and her mother (a university professor) were beautiful women and were therefore part of the elite in the Soviet Union. It's no wonder they had it better than others (many of whom ended up in the Gulag). She wasn't persuaded by this. I also pointed out to her that immigrants have it rough wherever they go, and because she's an immigrant to America, its not as easy for her to find the sort of work that matches her education (Master in Economics). I then pointed out the example of the Israelites, when they were freed from Egyptian bondage. The first little hardships that came up, and they wanted to give up their freedom and run back to mother Egypt. I advised her that like the Israelites, she needed to break out of the slave mentality, the idea of cradle to grave security.
I don't know whether that had any effect on her, but spending years being trained in Marxism, and living as a slave, are not things that can be overcome in a day.
I suspect that's why it's so hard to get people to believe in freedom and give up the welfare state. People have forgotten how to be free.
Bill84728| 7.5.12 @ 12:20PM
There were plenty of beautiful people in the gulag.
What former Soviets miss about the USSR was being taken care of.
What they don't think about is the 1/3 of the Soviet population that had to be killed or sent to prison in order to feed the other 2/3.
C. Vernon Crisler | 7.5.12 @ 1:06PM
Beautiful people who didn't toe the line.
Bill84728| 7.5.12 @ 1:12PM
Who violated Article 58.
And they didn't stay beautiful long.
MelvinNC| 7.5.12 @ 12:56PM
To hell with the 4th of July. Justice Roberts just turned this Country into a Communist State. I'm already giving most of my money to the state and now it wants more with blood.
hpcooperjon| 7.5.12 @ 1:08PM
Enjoyed your musings as usual. We have seven wonderful cats and two dogs not quite as wonderful which we can't afford but they will live a great life well cared for. The Old Testament has a lot good things to say for a virtuous (good?) woman; unfortunately "God incarnate" is not one of them. We all lose old friends but some of us find it completely unnecessary to pray for them after their gone. Fond memories are fine. Hugh
KyMouse| 7.5.12 @ 4:18PM
He wrote "God's word incarnate," not "God incarnate."
Biggg Donnn| 7.5.12 @ 1:25PM
"...In Sandpoint, America itself still works."
FWIW, the Black population in Sandpoint, ID, is 0.1%, and in Idaho State is 0.6%
http://quickfacts.census.gov/q.....72100.html
Suesann Popke| 7.5.12 @ 2:47PM
I love to read Ben Stein's Diary. His comments on life, death, beautiful women (all),wonderful dogs (all), clouds, sun,water,air and English muffins sustain my under the radar (for now) life.God bless America and Ben Stein.
Bob K| 7.5.12 @ 7:00PM
He never mentions Peanut Butter invented by George Washington Carver. Is he a bigot or something? How can one have an English Muffin without it?