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Letter From San Francisco
How to Write a Letter (Your User’s Manual)
The next best thing to letting the USPS go public.
(To help rescue the postal service and keep neighborhood post offices alive, I’ve devised a system to teach those who grew up on the Internet the basic methodology of corresponding with others through a revolutionary hand-delivered process.)
Welcome to the “Letter-Writing 2.0” program, an exciting new major advance in social networking! This instructional guide will explain in detail how to perform the functions necessary to compose a “letter.” Carefully follow the step-by-step directions below to activate your revolutionary “handwriting” program:
Those accustomed to employing one of the old i- phone, email, Facebook or Twitter technologies will find this new “writing” method a cutting-edge way to communicate with “friends.” It is always wise to keep a list of friends entered in the “address book” included here, so as not to forget their names, especially those you “like.” (It is advisable not to communicate with persons you dislike.)
You will first need to acquire a piece of “paper,” available from any local “stationery” server. The stationery app is accessed by picking up the pen modem in your kit (see fig. B) and pressing it against the paper to inscribe a salutation, such as “Dear…” (fill in name of the friend or individual you wish to receive your letter), followed by a series of hand-written “sentences” until you reach the bottom of the first “page.” The pen is gripped by clutching it in the right or left hand (see figs. 1-7), much as one would hold a fork or a knife.
The actual letter-writing process is activated by re-creating spoken words (as on your old iPhone) but in print on paper, much as you would do if punching in text on the screen of a hand-held electronic device. The manual will instruct you how to shape words on paper using a combination of all 26 letters in the alphabet. It will also show you, step by step, that when you reach the end of a “line” of script at the right-hand edge of a page you will need to begin a new line directly underneath what you have just written. This needs to be done manually.
After you have successfully filled a page with words, you may either turn the paper over and continue the writing process or slide another sheet of paper under the pen to resume your message, perhaps inscribing a “2” at the top of the next “page” (and, successively, “3,” “4,” “5,” etc.) until your written message is completed.
To sign off, simply end the initial message phase with any of several letter-writing emoticons, such as, “Take it easy!” or “Hope to hear from you guys soon” (see red guidebook included for suggested user-friendly phrases to employ with this program).
Warning: You may occasionally experience a “smudge” if using the “fountain pen” modem included, often caused by a leaky ink cartridge or by unintentionally touching the ink while it is still in the wet phase. This common experience may easily be corrected. Simply “cross out” (or “blot”; see fig. 14-C) the unwanted letters or words and continue. This can be done manually with ease. Your Letter-Writer 2.0 device is not equipped with delete or backspace keys to eliminate unwanted letters. The deluxe model of the letter-writing 2.0 program also includes a wooden “pencil” (see fig. 21-A) with an “eraser” app, which is activated by rubbing the soft pink device at the end of the pencil across the page to get rid of (or “erase”) unwanted letters.
It is possible to inscribe as many pages as you wish (this program has unlimited word capacity), after which you will need to “address” an “envelope” (see fig. 16) to send to the intended receiver of the letter you have just created. For this step you will need a “mailing address” (i.e., where the recipient resides), followed by his/her state and “zip code” (see glossary on page 34). Do not precede the mailing address with @ and there is no need to add “.com” or “.org” or “.edu” after the address” (for instance, Richard Smith@47 Maple Street, Akron, Ohio.com); doing so will result in a fatal error message from the “postal carrier.” You can now link up with anybody by writing his/her address in the center of the envelope and simply adding your own “return address” in the upper left corner of the “envelope” (see figs. 3 and 4).
Finally, you will need to fold the letter in two places (see fig. 7-C) and place it inside the envelope container, on which you then must “paste” a “postage stamp” in the upper right corner of the envelope (see fig. 4-E) by peeling the stamp from a sheet of stamps and firmly affixing it to the designated envelope corner (one stamp will usually suffice.) Note that there is no confusing “cut” and “paste” (or a cumbersome “menu”) to deal with here. Pasting a stamp is quickly and easily accomplished by hand.
To “send” a letter, you will need to deposit it inside a “mail box” (see fig. 12), available on many street corners. A mail box is identified by its red, white and blue markings (see “mail box” photo at bottom of page 36). The letter you have just sent will then be delivered to the intended recipient within a couple of days. Congratulations and enjoy your new Letter-Writing 2.0 program!
About the Author
Gerald Nachman is a writer in San Francisco and most recently the author of Right Here on Our Stage Tonight!: Ed Sullivan’s America (University of California Press).
Letter to the Editor View all comments (14) | Leave a comment
More Articles by Gerald Nachman
http://spectator.org/archives/2012/06/13/how-to-write-a-letter-your-use
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Appleby| 6.13.12 @ 6:51AM
I have a friend in New Zealand with whom I have been "corresponding" for approximately 30 years, using handwring on paper inserted in envelopes. I find it a refreshing exercise, as I can sit for as long as I like, holding my pen and reflecting on what it is I want to say before adding it to the page. Once the letter is mailed off to him, I have approximately two weeks of anticipation before receiving a letter in return. Unlike the usual "text message", all the words in our letters are fully spelled out and, since we both know how to spell, punctuate, organize a paragraph and use cursive writing, our letters are not only interesting and informative, but they are works of art.
Both of us were taught Palmer Penmanship in Grade 3, and we graduated to fountain pens (there were no ball point pens until I reached high school, and the first ones produced cost $12.00, which was a day's wages in 1958 for most people). Our handwriting is easy to read, although my next sister writes much better (she writes Copperplate and her letters are works of art.)
Appleby| 6.13.12 @ 6:51AM
I also had a 25 year correspondence with a woman in the UK that ended only when she died, and a flourishing correspondence with a soldier in Vietnam with the Quartermasters' Corps, and I have their letters to this day. (This contrasts with anything that was on my first 3 computers which failed dramatically and took everything on them to their electronic graves.) And every Sunday afternoon I sit at my desk and pen a note card with a lovely picture on the front, to my housebound Auntie and my Mama.
I don't own a "device" and never will. I love my fountain pen, my 20 lb. stationery, and the experience of facing a blank page with anticipation before inscribing, "My dear Hugo" two lines below my address and the date. (Being well trained by Mrs. Monahan in Grade 3, I do not need to write on lined tablet paper, but I recommend it for beginners.)
And we are not limited to 1400 characters either.
PolishKnight| 6.13.12 @ 9:57AM
I'm from a generation (the 1970's to 1980's) when letter writing was almost kind of dead due to cheap telephone service, CB's, and TV. I think that kindles and email have helped reinvigorate letter writing. Sure, sometimes hard drives crash and there go the letters but boxes of letters get lost too. I had a hard drive crash and lost some files, but for the most part, I still have most of my original correspondence from 20 years ago and it doesn't take up boxes in the closet. In addition, can search the letters for interesting things someone said years ago. Since text is so small in terms of hard drive space, it's not a problem to transfer to DVD's and then onto other media. I've done it with floppys that I moved to DVD. Later, I suppose I'll move it onto whatever next format comes out.
LindaF | 6.13.12 @ 10:39AM
Funny. At first, I thought, who on Earth would need this?
I checked around - VERY few people under the age of 50-ish have EVER needed an app like this. NO ONE under the age of 30 has ever sent a letter, unless they were in a 3rd world country, out of reach of cell towers (military, Peace Corps, etc.).
Albertus Magnus| 6.13.12 @ 10:58AM
"To 'send' a letter, you will need to deposit it inside a 'mail box'...available on many street corners."
Really?! I have not seen a blue white and red "mail box" on a street corner in about 5 years. In my California burg almost all of them been removed. That includes the mail boxes at the bank next to the ATM's. The ONLY places that still play host to an actual mail box are the drive through lane at the Post Office, and in the courtyard of the office building where I am employed. When I grew up there are mail boxes all over town. One could not walk or drive for more than a few minutes before seeing another one. Mail boxes are fast becoming an anachronism, a symbol of a time that exists only in memory.
Petronius| 6.13.12 @ 1:42PM
A M
Sorry about that. But too many collection boxes have become casualties for many reasons. 1 lack of volume. 2 druggies using them to throw their used needles in. Our carriers and the Supt. of Collection and Delivery don't want to go to the ER. 3 Homeland Security doesn't want terrorists depositing C4 in them, or any packages at all. On my routes I used to find broken florescent bulbs, soda bottles, live animals, and their excretions. The last trick was a clip from a sidearm with live rounds in it. And to make things worse for you, office building collection points will go next as VIM routes are compounded and disappear. And while the Postal Board of Governors will continue its plan of sabotage, we will still be at your door sometime every business day. If that happens before dark, count yourself fortunate when we collect your outgoing letters and cards.
If I could, I would send you and Mr. Nachman new Parker T Ball Jotters. But they don't make 'em anymore.
Albertus Magnus| 6.14.12 @ 12:37AM
I guess my posting was more a lament than a complaint. I agree with all your points, but that time that exists only in memory would include things like peaceful neighborhoods, with no threats of terror bombings or used needle dropoffs. When I was a kid a 5 year old could play with his friends around the corner from home in Summer twilight. Today you can't let your 13 year old play in your front yard in broad daylight.
Si Vis Pacem | 6.13.12 @ 11:31AM
"corresponding with others through a revolutionary hand-delivered process"
Ah. By 'revolutionary', you refer to the period between 1760 and 1775, where hand-delivery was all the rage, yes?
Cheers!
Stormzeye| 6.13.12 @ 12:48PM
When my mother passed away eight years ago I found a treasure trove of letters I had written her when I was away at college. It was like going back to another time and place and when I heard my youthful "voice" in those letters. I became a bit weepy and nostalgic for a past that could never again be re-lived but always remembered fondly.
Appleby| 6.13.12 @ 3:15PM
Mama saved the letters I wrote when I went on my round the world cruise. I was rather embarrassed to see what a silly girl I used to be. But the world I wrote about in 1969 has long since vanished into the Mists of Antiquity.
cicero| 6.13.12 @ 2:51PM
When my children were away, either in college, or just away, I would use leters to advise or chide. That way, they could pout, consider, or cool down before they went back to re-read the advice. Now that their children hare arriving, as each turns 8 years old, I write them, with the first letter being instructional on how to write a leter.
Some of them are better at corresponding than others. Some start, then stop. Hopefully they will resume the practice in later years. I try to write no more than 3 to 4 letters a year, so as not to burden the little dears. The idea is to save all of the letters, and take them out again when they graduate from college, or marry. Their writings are precious.
McGeachy| 6.13.12 @ 8:31PM
Very funny. Nachman captured the essence of "letter writing" and his instructions for the "on-line" crowd are hilarious.
jdmeth| 6.15.12 @ 2:07PM
So now you have more than a dollar's worth of paper and postage and thirty minutes invested in a short, one way, time delayed communication. Plus writer's cramp and unless you are an artist your message is probably illegible. When I went back to school after working for twenty five years the English teacher made fun of my having to print my in class assignments. As a pampered academician he couldn't understand that years of manual labor had left my hands stiff and swollen.