Would-have-been First Daughter Meghan McCain really wants you to
know that she is not a lesbian. She appears in the current issue of
Playboy in pumps, earrings, and a red sequined dress. She
is staring glassily right into the camera in a failed attempt at a
come-hither look. The pumps kick out behind her. She is partially
propped up in bed, pressing her ample chest against white satin
sheets. Red nails on her left hand help to highlight a Mississippi
jobs report, but she pays it no attention.
The lesbian thing comes up pretty early in the interview
that accompanies the photo. Meghan tells the melodramatic story of
how the 2008 election nearly finished her off. She “almost
overdosed on Xanax”! Her figure increased four sizes! Rather than
appear by John McCain’s side to help him weather the storm on
election day, she drove with a bunch of her “girlfriends” to the
McCain residence in Sedona, Arizona, where all they did was “play
Rock band for days and days and eat and sleep and hang out in bed
watching TV.”
Interviewer David Hochman lightly teases her to “say a
little more about the hanging-out-in-bed-with-girlfriends part” and
it all comes tumbling out. She is “not a lesbian, if that’s what
you’re asking.” Meghan insists she would be the very “first person
to tell the world” she was queer because she is “not private about
anything.” But you see she is “strictly dickly” —- I swear to Ayn
Rand I am quoting that phrase accurately — and just can’t help
herself. She loves sex, with men.
Granted, Miss McCain has “been hit on by women from time
to time” and her life might be simpler if she were gay, “but no.”
And sure, she loves hanging out with Rachel Maddow and Tila
Tequila, but that’s because they are “just great
people.”
Meghan has been the subject of a “gay rumor” or two but
she shrugs that one right off, explaining, “Honey, you’re nobody
unless you’ve had a gay rumor about you.” Unbidden, she tells us
about her interesting choice of watering holes. If she frequents
gay bars, it’s only because “they play the best music” and all of
Meghan’s gay friends like to cut a rug. Gay men love her, she
explains, because of the “big boobs and blond hair.”
As for how things are going with straight guys, we get
conflicting reports. The story that she wants to tell is of the
ugly duckling blossoming into a beautiful, independent, top-heavy
swan. As a high schooler, Meghan was “uncool” and didn’t get to do
much but the second she “hit college” she “started dating up a
storm.” She’s not in a “serious relationship” these days but that’s
fine by her. This way there is “no one to check in
with.”
Yet Meghan drops broad hints that maybe she’s not so
happy. On a recent outing “like, a week ago” her date “just wanted
to talk policy and strategy the entire time,” which was a real
“mood killer.” She complains that guys “think if they Google you
and talk about stuff you’ve said, they get to make out with you at
the end of the date.”
Future dating tip gents: You’ve got to do more than
pretend to take Meghan McCain’s political opinions seriously. You
should focus on telling her about the music you enjoy, what you do
for fun and, above all, she wants you to make her laugh out loud.
That is an “instant turn-on,” she explains, even if you happen to
look “like Zach Galifianakis.” So get a pizza, rent The
Hangover, lean in close at the right moment, and whisper, “You
know, sometimes I read Playboy for the
pictures…”
