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The Nation's Pulse
A Cry for Help
Kristen Johnston shouldn’t be the only one getting attention for addiction dependence.
You may not have heard yet but I just got out of rehab. My problem was that I had never been in rehab for anything and desperately needed something to jump-start my stalled career. I tried performing, but lacked any talent. I took up writing but obviously that hasn’t worked out. I didn’t much want to get into pot, coke, crack, meth, heroin or booze, so clearly I had a major problem finding an excuse to check myself into rehab. I popped painkillers but extra-strength Tylenol didn’t hook me; I only got up to two a day.
There are now even high schools for rehab — 25 around the country reports the New York Times — so there’s no need anymore to wait until you’re a messed-up adult to enter the Betty Ford clinic. It’s possible to build an enviable rehab résumé by the age of 15.
Actually I’d been thinking about going into rehab for years but couldn’t find a career-boosting reason. Physically abusing my body was impractical (then, at 50, my body began abusing me), and a gambling problem never got beyond the quarter slot machines. Sexual addiction was the most appealing prospect, but much as I tried, it didn’t seem feasible once I hit 70.
So clearly I was a prime prospect for a little-known rehab facility in Topeka, Kansas, that cures people in urgent need of major media attention and an outpouring of public sympathy for their un-ruined condition — which is not, as I’d feared, incurable. Rehabs R Us promises to find you a major debilitating problem and then cure you of it in six weeks, notify the media, assign you a publicist, and get a book publisher to peddle your story — just like actress Kristen Johnston, whose memoir on her drug addiction, Guts, will hit the stores soon, aided by a long interview in the New York Times, accompanied by a shot of Ms. Johnston sprawling on the couch with her pit bull, looking extremely pleased, her long blonde hair all a-tumble in come-hither disarray.
You can see Kristen has come a long way from the day her ulcer burst open from painkillers and she “was covered in blood and vomit, sobbing like a four-year-old.” Kristen has now been clean for five years. My problem is far worse — I’ve been clean for almost 75 years, but I’ve learned that many people are in a similar fully functional situation and just need a hand to help break the cycle of non-dependence. The toughest part is admitting that you have a problem getting properly addicted to anything.
Hey, I figured, if an actress I never heard of can get a big book deal and major media coverage, why not me? There is nothing between myself and the best-seller list except a really cool addiction that (as the interviewer says of Ms. Johnston) “spares no gory detail.” Thanks to Rehabs R Us, I think I can now come up with at least one gory detail (but you’ll need to buy the book to find out what it is).
After weeks of testing and counseling, during which time I was in constant turmoil, Rehabs R Us found me a troubling addiction to chocolate, specifically the hard stuff — dark chocolate, at times in the 70 percent range. The clinic procured some dense cocoa beans from Africa. In no time I gave up chomping unsweetened baking chocolate and was able to get myself off the hard stuff. After two weeks, I was down to one milk chocolate Nestle Crisp a day; eventually I could sip an occasional glass of Quik without a worry.
I’m in recovery now but will always be just a Dove bar away from falling off the wagon. I still need a cup of hot cocoa now and then, but I know I can quit anytime, although a whiff of newly baked brownies can trigger a relapse. I’m able to pass up crude street buys like Mounds, Reece’s Pieces and Kit Kats, but it hasn’t been easy. Right now I’m concocting some grisly tales to share on talk shows of my painful recovery, how I fought my way back from Godiva hell to become whole again and virtually cocoa-free.
I’ve just written a one-man show about my struggle, and am currently working on a book, screenplay, and TV special that will alert people to problems like I had, to show them that they are not alone. Chocoholics Anonymous is holding a series of marathons to raise money for treatment. To show your support you might want to wear a brown ribbon.
About the Author
Gerald Nachman is a writer in San Francisco and most recently the author of Right Here on Our Stage Tonight!: Ed Sullivan’s America (University of California Press).
Letter to the Editor View all comments (13) | Leave a comment
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Kitty | 3.27.12 @ 7:53AM
Man, I know what you mean. I swear I'd be a best selling writer by now if I could just smoke or drink -- preferably both.
Kristen Johnston is an example for us all. This is the funniest scene she ever did, in an episode appropriately titled "Spat!" (her addictions on full display): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R85m76_cfyc
(Great article, btw!)
L. Ross| 3.27.12 @ 10:19AM
Hey, everyone knows that brown ribbons are for prostate cancer!
KyMouse| 3.27.12 @ 11:02AM
I do think Kristen Johnston is funny -- she's balances attractiveness with goofiness to just the right degree.
Dave | 3.27.12 @ 2:02PM
Actually, I'm not sure if I could persuade anyone to wear a brown ribbon on behalf of any drug, booze, or sex addiction I might have aquired over the years. Truth be told, I've never really understood the whole addiction culture. At least as far as (so-called) icky addictions went. For the better part of my adult life, my highs of choice were generally a sleeve of Oreos, washed down with 24 ounces of caffeine, and the occasional cinnamon bear claw with extra glaze. The problem was those early rock festivals I used to hang out at. Back in the day, it just wasn't hip to tell a fellow traveler that your supplier was on Isle 9 at the local Safeway. In order to save face, I used tell 'em I got my stash from some biker chick named Marie Calendar who road with the Nabisco gang. That used to work ... especially if the guy I was talking to was buzzed at the time.
So again, I'm not sure if my own addictions would qualify for a special ribbon of courage. For now, I'll have to settle for the legal stash still stocked on Isle 9 at Safeway. At least the stash with vanilla centers.
Now if you'll excuse me ... I'm about to peak!
cicero| 3.27.12 @ 5:38PM
Your article just gave me an idea for thee next big "must have" item. For those of us who have not yet acquired a really good rehabable maladie, and don't think we have the time to develop one, we could all wear bracelets, so that when we are picked up by the wagon, they will know what to do next. I was thinking of some along the lines of "addicted to responsibility", or maybe "addicted to raising productive adults", or perhaps "addicted to earning a living without government assistance". That last one might take a necklace. I mean, as long as everyone wants to advertise every little thing that floats their boat, this may go over big. We could even have rehab centers at places like Club Med, where we could mingle with the other sufferers.
Occam's Tool| 3.27.12 @ 5:59PM
Wow.
Dipesto| 3.27.12 @ 6:13PM
I was once addicted to Ms. Johnson, back when she played "Sally" on 3rd Rock from the Sun. playing a very macho space alien disguised as a woman for her time on Earth, and she-he fell for Wayne Knight (Newman from Seinfeld). Hang in there, Kristen; you still have devotees.
Paul A'Barge| 3.27.12 @ 6:59PM
You have never watched " Third Rock from the Sun"?
Where have you been, man?
Paul McGrath| 3.27.12 @ 11:11PM
I'm addicted to compelling wit. This article just gave me the DTs.
POST American| 3.27.12 @ 11:32PM
"---Modern industrial society represents
nothing so much as the mystery of neuters'
and it's the way of the city to lay an addiction
on you."
-D H Lawrence
-------Franchise slums ----media ----sports--porn
--------------are we 'A'--dick'd---ID' yet?
----------------HUAC/ Nuremberg 2012---------------
TSanchez| 3.27.12 @ 11:47PM
Actually a good book, especially in the audio book form. That is why she is getting attention. Read the book and you might feel differently and reassess your opinion.
Poppakap| 3.28.12 @ 4:01PM
Really? Do give some examples...
FWIW, whether her book is any good is really not the point of the article. Maybe you're addicted to non-critical-thinking-while-reading syndrome?
harbinger| 3.28.12 @ 4:44AM
Actually people are addicted to more stuff that you think. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the author's piece here and the serious dig at these self-proclaimed stars and wannabe stars who ressucitate their careers by drug, alcohol, gambling, home violence, crime (shoplifting!) deeds that then need some kind of four star rehab facility.
People are addicted to sports. Men need to own up to this. Can some men really make it without closely following their MLB team or without watching a combined total of 6 college and pro football games in the fall? There are people hooked on soda products. Guys who gotta have smokeless tobacco. You joke about chocoate or sweets but people have these addictions. And all the fat people waddling around EVERYWHERE now tell me people are addicted to stuffing their mouths with something about 10 hours per day.
Online betting? Everywhere now. Like dog track, horse track, casino, card games, sports betting and the endless lotteries.
Many males are addicted to porn. And this is no joke. That, too, is why our families and marriages and wholesome relationships are going under. Entire segments of society are cracking away to this in parts of Europe. Again, no joke. Deadly serious. This is an industry thriving away worldwide and growing at a non stop clip. The sex tourism industry is booming.
It is okay to do this piece, and I get it. Please do lampoon the self-absorbed VIPs who burden us with their narcissism.
But please don't think addictions a laughing matter. It is rare to find someone without a seriously debilitating addiction at some junctures in his or her life.
And I haven't even started in on meds, pills, pharmacy products, the six-pack per night crowd, and the new craze of smoking those middle eastern water pipes.
Lots of people think we're going under as a society and nation/culture due to government this or that. Sure, leviathan slowly smothers us and we go under. But we make ourselves easy prey because over half our adult population is lost to its various hedonisms.
YES, OVER HALF. Every week. People so self absorbed with their own "issues" that they cannot even begin to aid another.
A good article. A real shame more folks did not take the time to read it or make a comment.