My family had never been known for its punctuality. The brothers
Lott have a rule for our old man: take whatever time he gives you,
add an hour, and set your clocks. He’s not the only tardy one.
Waiting for family members to show up at big group events is just
part of how we roll. So when I landed a pizza delivery job almost
two years ago, it was a challenge.
In pizza delivery there are two kinds of drivers: those
who manage their time well and those who don’t. Every driver starts
out with terrible time management. The good ones figure out their
cities and adapt. I started out with terribly timed deliveries and
pissed off customers. The tips were discouraging, but I learned a
few life lessons along the way, such as: read those “beware of dog”
signs carefully. At one point, I just managed outrun and out jump a
Rottweiler. But even when off the clock, you could see the
difference. I started showing up on time for things. Countless
hours of dodging cops, stop signs, and traffic lights had changed
my sluggard state of mind.
Delivery driving has taught me other useful skills.
Navigating house numbers in the dark is a good one. Some people
seem to believe we drivers have nocturnal vision. The truth is, we
learn to guess really well. Speed-reading is another skill that
every successful delivery driver will acquire, but it’s not the
kind of speed-reading advertised on television. It’s more like fast
pattern recognition, followed by crazy, hairpin turns. Those
courses won’t help you when you’re looking for a house going 50 mph
down a crowded four-lane highway in the dark.
Another pizza delivery myth debunked: We are also not mind
readers. One lady called the store and ordered a “Carry-Out
Special” which is our most popular special but is only available to
people who come and pick the pizza up, hence the name: Carry-Out
Special. We cooked the pizza and placed it on the top of the oven.
Fifty minutes later, she called back and asked why no driver had
yet delivered her Carry-Out Special. I guess she thought the name
meant we would carry it out to her.
The demands of the job at times are severe. You either
learn to love the stress or it breaks you. I love it. The other
Sunday, we were insanely busy when I got a distress call from
another driver whose car had gone down for the count. I rushed out
of the shop with a double delivery in my bag and rescued him. I
made my deliveries and his — on time, thank you — and returned to
base for more dough- and marinara-fueled automotive
abuse.
No doubt one day I’ll look on my pizza delivery years as
the most awesomely frustrating time of my life. The customers have
been pretty great, considering, but I do have one small request on
behalf of pizza peddlers everywhere. Next time you order a pie,
flip on the porch light. It will make your delivery driver’s
night.
