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The Nation's Pulse
Middle-Aged Man Takes a Holiday
In which the author repeatedly asks the question: Why must everything be so difficult?
You know you have reached the summit of middle age when the once simplest tasks become insoluble problems.
We were headed north for a romantic weekend getaway in a quaint river town overlooking the Mississippi River. The bed and breakfast was situated on a hill, or knob as they are known in these parts. The terrain between St. Louis and Hannibal is littered with knobs, strange rounded prominences that spring up as if from nowhere. Our map listed dozens of them, all with peculiar names: Ben Watt’s Knob, Wilcoxen Knob, Marion Mackay Knob and Shell Knob. There were pine knobs and bald knobs, which are, as you might assume, treeless. I asked the young waitress at the Clarksville restaurant if she knew the name of the big knob that loomed up behind the restaurant. She gave me a queer look. “It’s just a hill,” she said, and walked hurriedly away.
We had the old two-story red brick inn all to ourselves, no innkeeper and not a single other guest. The patio featured an outdoor gas fireplace and a large heated pool from which a light steam rose. Outside was dark and a brisk 30 degrees, but that didn’t stop us. No sooner were we unpacked than we donned our swimsuits, wrapped ourselves in thick cotton robes and made for the pool.
Upon hitting the water, I let out an inhuman cry. The water wasn’t exactly freezing — it was a tepid 79 degrees — but you could have fooled me. As my blood turned to ice, I blearily began pressing the numerous buttons on the thermostat (I had failed to bring my reading glasses to the pool), while the wife attempted to turn on the gas fireplace. To no avail. Near death, we shuffled back to the warmth of our room.
Our suite featured a large Jacuzzi. Not quite the same as a steaming swimming pool, but any old port in a storm, as the mariners say. As the tub filled, I labored to turn on the jets — again without success. “Why is everything so difficult?” I said, the beginnings of annoyance creeping into my voice.
My wife telephoned the manager, who promised to come by directly. While we waited, we turned for relief to the satellite television. (Back home, we got by with plain old commercial television.) I found what I assumed was the correct remote control, and began pressing buttons. There were literally dozens of things to press: arrows, buttons, all with infinitesimal lettering no one over forty could possibly have read.
“Remember when a television set had only a knob for channels and a knob for volume?” I said. “I miss those days.”
My wife, who is no better than I at figuring out the latest technology, but has far better eyesight, took the remote and studied it. She at least managed to turn the set on.
Presently the manager showed up. After twenty minutes of staring at the Jacuzzi, he called in the maintenance man. In the mean time I asked the manager to show us how the television set worked. While he fiddled with the remote, the maintenance man arrived. The mysteries of the Jacuzzi proved too much for him too. Asked about the television, he simply shrugged.
Eventually, we were moved to another room, one where the Jacuzzi worked. The manager apologized, said he was new on the job, and offered to buy us a bottle of pinot noir for our troubles. We accepted, as long as he promised to turn up the temperature of the outdoor pool.
MORE AND MORE THESE days I hear myself asking, “Why must everything be so complicated?” This past Christmas, for example, I got a Nook e-book reader as a gift. I had the gizmo a total of three days. Three days that my wife, my son and I wasted trying to set up the device’s Wi-Fi. Three days wasted on the telephone with various customer service representatives in India who hadn’t the foggiest idea what they were talking about. I’m afraid I wasn’t very nice to them. “Isn’t this thing supposed to be easy to set up?” I snapped. “What’s the point of mass marketing a device that takes an advanced engineering degree from MIT to set up?” At times like these I feel that if I should live another 30 or so years I will be as helpless as a newborn babe. Not due to any physical incapacity, mind you, but to a technological one.
I will say that the cuisine at the inn was wonderful, and we had a lovely time hiking up and down the knobs. That said, I wonder how the wife would feel about spending our next romantic getaway in Amish country?
About the Author
Christopher Orlet writes from St. Louis.
Letter to the Editor View all comments (76) | Leave a comment
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John786| 2.9.12 @ 6:29AM
No things are not getting more difficult: you're just turning into a grumpy old man. Don't fight it; embrace it. Its one of pleasures of getting old.
Moe Blotz| 2.9.12 @ 12:17PM
When you are finally over the hill, just look back and enjoy the view.
kate| 2.9.12 @ 2:11PM
You are not a grumpy old man. This country has decided to go soviet-style, commie, socialist and in those circumstances only the government elite enjoy any luxury. Soon everything will be broken and left to rot, including that bathtub that wouldn't work. It is called despair. It is called socialism.
Frank Drackman| 2.9.12 @ 6:33AM
Don't blame the young waitress,
it was probably called "N-Word Hill" or "Injun-Crest" or, where were you? Missouri...
"Cranky President who Dropped A-bomb on Japs and they still didn't quit till the second one-Knob"
and in my experience nerds with advanced engineering degrees are the worst ones to work on anythang that actually exists in the real world.
MIKE| 2.9.12 @ 9:54AM
Actually, it's called Boot Hill.
skedaddle| 2.9.12 @ 10:49AM
I've never heard the word knobs used for hills in Missouri - I thought it was an Appalachian area word.
Dennis Bergendorf| 2.9.12 @ 7:03AM
Thank you, Mr. Orlet! I'm 63 and have just spent the most unpleasant week trying to learn the nuances of my first Droid phone. Download apps? Only if you first download the app that allows you to download apps..... Easy, my 11-year-old granddaughter told me sternly. "Just follow the 12 steps."
Well, my wife (plus a nice but nearly unintelligible CS rep in Guatemala) and I determined that the phone just didn't work. I may replace it. Or not.
bruce brinkmann| 2.9.12 @ 9:53AM
I received a Kindle E-Book for Christmas. This was supposed to simplify my life? I don't think so. It seems to me that the problem lies in the instructions. My son told me the reason they're so hard to follow is because most have been translated from Chinese to English. Much is lost in translation. But the manufacturers also assume that the consumer has much of the basic knowledge already so they leave out some very simple but very important steps that they assume you already know. Yes, the days of buying a new device, plugging it in and turning it on are gone forever I fear.
Ivan Ivanovich| 2.11.12 @ 8:42AM
Not just from Chinese to English. The Paki's and Indians are trained in English and Chinese and they do all the translations.
shane teton | 2.9.12 @ 7:11AM
I had my ipod for 3 years before I figured it out, or took the time to get it to work. It lasted 10 years and died taking all my songs.
Beer f.m.h.| 2.9.12 @ 7:15AM
It is pointless to get nostalgic against the onslaught of 21st century technological advances. Better, I think, to just keep it simple, stupid (to the extent that you can) and grow old gracefully by reading books and writing letters.
Brian Mc| 2.9.12 @ 7:18AM
And they wonder why I fish. I find some solace in the question, "What would you do if electricity stopped flowing tomorrow...?" As the individual ahead of me texts, yet again, and misses the light change I mutter something about progress that is not worthy of print.
Crocket Country| 2.9.12 @ 5:06PM
Brian Mc, I am glad that you fish. I hunt. Small game. But edible game. I trap too, if I have a mind for it.
It is good to know that at least a few others will not go hungry when the power fails. Oh, it will.
And those who depend on the frozen foods section and drive throughs -- they'll be through.
Good riddance.
Ivan Ivanovich| 2.11.12 @ 9:03AM
I have a shirt that says "I Fish, Therefore I Am!"
But most people, even fishermen, don't know that fishing and hunting is NOT about killing. Dressing a deer or putting a fish in the live well is an anti-climax. Casting is anticipation like a football at the top of its arc, feeling a strike is like that moment when the receiver reaches out and the ball touches his hand, bring in the fish is like the receiver running the last 20 yards to the goal line, then the fish sees the boat and strips line off the reel and it’s like the runner stiff arming a tackler, netting the fish is like the butt first touchdown, and eating the fish is like putting on the ring. Of course there are many that would not understand all this, but they are neither fishermen nor football fans. They think a great game is 47-3.
Appleby| 2.9.12 @ 7:22AM
Ditto ditto, maximum ditto! I quit with the VCR and drew a line in the sand saying "Thus far and no farther." (I know the difference between farther and further, which is more than the idiots who "upgraded" us all, they though, to Blu-Ray). My cell phone was bought in 2001 and it does nothing but make and receive phone calls, and it has large numbers and letters and a keyboard not designed for The Borrowers with their teeny little fingers. My camera uses film, and I still buy books written on paper that I can read even when the power is out. Thus Far and No Farther.
I will admit that during the time we used to cover the 24 Hours of Le Mans (which required 10 days on site in a huge campsite we shared with 200,000 other people or so) we discovered the delights of the French B&B Hotels whose rooms were available at our convenience (which was usually at midnight after a 5 hour race from Calais in a Ferrari Spyder or some such) with no need to deal with the French: stick your credit card in the slot on the door, and out comes a slip of paper with a digital code that you use to unlock your door, and in you go to a nice if very small room with the beds in a loft and all the comforts you need. Good night's sleep and leave in the morning at your convenience and never deal with The French at all.
But I like the feeling of climbing into a Jaguar E-type and cruising past The Kids who can't make their electronics-laden Modern Car go. "Throw it out," we advised gleefully, "and get one of these!" So ha ha.
KyMouse| 2.9.12 @ 10:24AM
Many's the time, Appleby, I've told some young whippersnapper, "Further is time, farther is distance."
Such a simple concept, n'est-ce pas? "I'll look into this further." "I'll drive farther down the road."
I fell in love with white Jaguar XKE circa 1963, when I was 11. Alas, it wouldn't wait for me to come of age, and my big brother's best friend wouldn't let me take it farther than the end of our driveway.
Russel| 2.9.12 @ 10:54AM
I still use the VCR and have yet to figure out how to get it to record on a time . The Ipad and I phone ? . Not a clue as to what they are . We were reminiscing about the demise of the cassette and what a miracle they were for the car , we built our own sound systems , which made Radio Shack very profitable . Our inventions are standard in cars now . Sign me happy in the 70's .
numbatdog| 2.9.12 @ 7:59AM
My college age kid is always fascinated when I pull a piece of paper and pencil out of my stuffed pockets to make a note of something. He thinks it's crude to actually write by hand but pencils always work, cost almost nothing and can be lost or misplaced without angst.
PCP Smoker| 2.9.12 @ 8:00AM
You are coming through loud and clear. I would recommend trying Apple products, at least for your computer/ereader needs.
albert constantine jr.| 2.9.12 @ 8:12AM
One of the reasons you have children is that they develop the technological skills to program your devices.
Dave | 2.9.12 @ 8:23AM
While it's not exactly in line with Mr. Orlet's adventure, I thought I'd post a little true life story from my own time on this planet. It was a Ralphie Parker kind of time when, as Christopher suggests, getting most anything accomplished wasn't going to require calling 1-800- INDIA. It's a little longer than a regular post, but in the spirit of bygone memories, and if your teeth happen to be the length of mine, I figured it might fit. Anyone remember ...
THE SUN VALLEY SUPERMAN
Last week I was reminiscing at an old framed photo in my bookcase of mom and me standing out front of our house at 165 Sheldon Street. It was the first day of elementary school,1950. The picture is one of those vintage, black and white, big grin snapshots where the only obvious sign of stressing at the seams was coming from the elastic in my Hopalong Cassidy suspenders that were clipped-on at the waist band; holding up a new pair of J.C. Penny's pants. I don't know if it was a better time, but for a small kid just trying to keep his polished cottons up, there didn't seem to be a whole lot of stuff to hassle with. Mom, on the other hand, would be dealing with housework, Cub Scout meetings and very soon ... strange, flying objects.
"Look ... it's a bird, it's a plane, it's ... Superman."
Yes, it was Superman; strange visitor from another planet who came to our new Admiral TV with powers and abilities far beyond the mortal comic book. And kids all up and down the street were about to bond into a mini gang of sawed-off superheroes; whizzing over and through Mr. Tuck's side gate, around and under Helen Walker's laundry line (often with laundry attached) and occasionally climbing up on the Wagner's roof to see if we could spot any criminals crusin' along Sheldon Street, or until Ronnie's dad came out and yelled - "Get the hell down from there!"
After school, while sketching out one of our improv episodes, we'd sometimes haggle a bit over who got to be Superman. Mostly, the final casting depended on who was taller or who had the coolest cape. My history's a little fuzzy, but as I recall, Bobby Simmons never got the nod. We weren't trying to be cliquey or squeeze him out, but the kid had blond hair and blue eyes. And worse yet, his crummy cape was an old orange towel with some kind of duck printed on the back. Superduck wasn't going to cut it.
Me? Well, I already had a makeshift cape, but I wasn't even close to making the height requirement. I figured if I was ever going to get to be Superman, I'd need a way cooler costume, not just a red beach towel. And so it began.
In 1952, getting your own Superman outfit wasn't a easy task. Woolworth's didn't have them yet, neither did Newberry's and the Sears in Burbank was too far away to ride our bikes. Besides, a two-wheeler trip that far off the beaten highway might have ended like Lewis asking Clark: "What do 'ya mean you lost the map?" No, I needed something a lot closer to home. And that's exactly where I found it.
After a little digging around in dad's sock drawer, a quick check of the linen closet and a small storage bin in front of my bed, I came up with some stuff that just might get me outfitted. With Mom agreeing to cut-up, stitch and color dye an old bed sheet for my cape, and the same thing with a pair of dad's socks, I was halfway home. Next, for the tight blue body suit, I found a small pair of snug-fit pajamas I didn't wear anymore, turned the top around, (in order to hide a rocket ship on the front) then hand painted a big red S on it. All that was left was what to use for the official Supershorts? And an old pair of apple red swim trunks were going to cap the costume.
"Look ... it's a bird, it's a plane, it's ... Superkid."
There it was: Sheldon Street's first, semi-official Superman outfit. The familiar whoooosh was about to go airborne. But first, a little pre-flight testing might be a good idea. Next day while zipping around the backyard; trying to get a feel for the whispier cape, I began wondering how it might actually look with a little more air under it. After all, it seemed clear to me that more air meant a better whooosh. But, how do you find out?
tick-tick-tick ...
After some inner debate, plus an assist from Mr. Simmons' ten-foot ladder, I was about to put the air-whooosh theory to a real test. But that meant climbing up on the roof. The question now was -- should I? Would I get busted? Naaw. As San Francisco hippies would later say: "Just do it, man!"
Once on top, I took a cautious peek over the edge, tried to calculate the approxmate distance from roof to ground and mentally prepared myself to leap from the shingles to the lawn below. After a quick check to see if any planes were in the flight path, all looked good for take-off from Sheldon Street Runway 1-6-5. Let the countdown begin:
3 - 2 - 1 - whoooossssh .... thud!
To this day, I can only imagine the horror dear ol' Lillian was feeling as her pint-size superdummy went whoooshing to the ground, right there in front of the kitchen window where she was busy doing some dishes. As she came screaming from the back door with howls of "Oh, my God, oh, God", all I could muster was -- "Boy, that was keen." Looking back, if brains were bread, I was probably two slices short of a Wonder Loaf.
I was never able to confirm or even re-test the air-whoosh theory. That afternoon the house captain cancelled my return ticket to runway 165, while the supersuit was banished to a closet for two weeks. I had just witnessed The Curse of the Stink Eye.
Most us have a few memories like this one. And I suspect some of them are priceless. Matter of fact during times like these, especially on days when the federal and family budgets seems to be headed for the financial dumper, I'm not always sure I'd take a trillion dollars for 'em. At least no one's offered.
Catch 'ya later, kids -- whoooosshhhh ...
Brian Mc| 2.9.12 @ 9:54AM
Much appreciated! Reminds me of a certain "Super Ball" I owned. In an attempt to see if it would go into orbit, it was lost to the ages. I still hanker going back to that old weed-encrusted driveway of my youth...I know it's got to be in there somewhere. Finding it today would be akin to the 1890 silver dollar I found in its stead so many years ago.
skedaddle| 2.9.12 @ 10:54AM
Ah "Super Ball"! I still know exactly where I bounced mine and lost it. There are only about 4 yards it could be in but it's been lost for over 40 years. I'd still love to look for mine, too.
Russel| 2.9.12 @ 11:51AM
In an attempt to keep our ball under control , we tried the inside of the garage . What an awful afternoon that was , waiting for Dad to get home and learning he had to replace the glass window pane .
buckeyeman| 2.9.12 @ 12:02PM
The solution to your problem would have been to get a "glow-in-the-dark superball". My much younger sisters and I had an awesome evening with one of those about forty years ago in the darkened living room. Fortunately no windows or pottery items were destroyed.
dsayne| 2.9.12 @ 11:15AM
I broke my arm at the age of five attempting to float gently down from a very high old-fashioned bed using an umbrella as a parachute, a' la Mary Poppins (or perhaps some old Warner Bros cartoon, I'm not sure). I was supremely confident that this would work and, therefore, made zero attempt to catch myself. Amazing how much velocity a kid can build up in only three feet!
Shortly after the cast was removed, I broke it again, in exactly the same spot, while running pell-mell around the yard singing "NA na Na na Na na Na na NA na Na na Na na Na na, BATMAN!"
Not exactly the swiftest kid on the block. However, forty+ years later I CAN handle most of the technology that I really WANT to use. Some of it I wish I had had many years ago, some of it should just go away. My attitude is: use what you like and disregard the rest. Life is too short to waste time on things that you don't enjoy.
Bill| 2.9.12 @ 12:11PM
On that trillion-dollar issue, you might have insured your financial future a little better if you'd taken the hint from George Reeves squeezing a hunk of coal in his hand and producing a diamond of equal size in mere seconds! A REAL Lois Lane would have married him on the spot!
Delta Zelda| 2.9.12 @ 4:31PM
Thanks for sharing! It really brought back memories.
HH| 2.9.12 @ 7:06PM
Thanks, Dave. That was funny. I enjoyed reading about your memory of those golden days. I did something similar except I was trying to be Spiderman.
Feel free to bring on another episode sometime in the coming weeks.
Petronius| 2.9.12 @ 9:26AM
Too late we discover that the user friendliness of all modern technology is inversely proportional to its advertised capability. And learning to use these things is such a bitch because the geniuses who design them and or write the manuals do not define words like us mere mortals. And what's worse are those vital bits of information novice users do not possess and are nowhere explained before Joe Newby wishes he never heard of computers, smart phones, and now, even car stereos. Recently I had to replace the radio/CD changer in my Ford because one of the boards shorted out the battery. Over $700 to replace it. I then had to shell out another $150 to have it programmed because the backlit controls wouldn't light up after dark. Software licenses are the biggest consumer rip off ever. God help us when some engineer at Philips inflicts us with a programmable flash light.
PolishKnight| 2.9.12 @ 9:53AM
Software licenses should be illegal. It's like you going to the parking garage and getting a slip that claims "This receipt limits our liability! Read it!" Unless you put a signature somewhere, it shouldn't matter and largely doesn't. Unless you violate copyright law by redistributing modified or original copies of software or try to make a warranty or support claim, it should be none of their business what you choose to do with it afterwards. What's to stop Detroit from making it illegal for you to use third party air filters even after your warranty has expired? Oh, wait, that's not "software?" But just put a "license agreement" on the door underneath the MPH listing and there you go!
obadiah| 2.9.12 @ 9:33AM
The sale is important -- the promotions and packing have to be Really Cool to get the mark to hand over $. Engineering and utility don't matter as much and are expensive -- it is sufficient to "just get by" for a while before the junk goes in the trash and the new improved model is marketed.
dsayne| 2.9.12 @ 11:18AM
I've always told my kids, "It doesn't have to work, it just has to look like it works!"
Bill| 2.9.12 @ 9:35AM
I don't have a cell phone, iphone, or anything else like it. I don't miss it.
I had a week's worth of trouble getting cable TV set up, but I have it now; I've discovered that it's an even bet as to whether I could get along without TV altogether. I don't know for sure, but if I didn't have TV I think I could survive.
I read books, you know, those items that you hold in your hands and turn pages. I find that I can get almost everything I want to read from the library for free, so having one of those fancy-schmancy computerized, non-glare, TV screen readers is not necessary.
So although I'm clearly out of touch with contemporary reality, I have found ways around having to deal with it. If I were, say, 35 instead of 65, that might be a problem, but I'll soon be just another irrelevant supercargo of a person in retirement, and not too long after that I'll be joining the parade of the ages, so it's not really a problem for me.
My entire life has been involved in solving problems people have found to be beyond them, so I've long since accepted that "Nothing is easy," and that makes living with defective technology somewhat easier to accept and live with.
ArmChair OldSchool| 2.9.12 @ 7:13PM
Bill, you're my hero then. No cell phone? Hey you da man, as they say.
I recently found myself standing in a Best Buy. Not sure why. The music inside the place was much too loud. I'm not ancient but I was probably 15 - 20 years older than anyone else in the place.
I've been looking and a cell phone but just looking. I compare. And I just focus on the pay-as-you-go cell phones. I am not going to get one with a plan; that seems like the most obvious of rip offs.
My problem is that I do want to explore the gadgetry and utility of a better one. I've ruled out the $35.00 Go-phones that only do the basic phoning.
I really would like to try this one model that sells for about $75.00, no contract, and only requires $30 per month for web email and web browsing capabilities. And this gadget would replace the camera I use when I go nature hiking.
My issue that keeps me from (probably wasting) the purchase? The GPS tracking device imbedded. Still have to read more on this, but I don't want to be tracked. This GPS stuff is too Big Brother overwatch for me.
Creaking and groaning| 2.10.12 @ 9:07AM
I wanted a cell phone to carry in my car, and didn't want to sepnd $40 or more a month. I got a Trac phone at Walmart, and all I have to do is buy a card with X number of minutes on it. It works out to 10 cents a minute if you buy the phone that "doubles" your minutes. There is no "contract" in the usual sense, and unused minutes will roll over to the next term, but at the end of every term I have to buy more minutes, whether I need them or not--otherwise my unused minutes from the previous term will not roll over.
The Trac Phone is a Motorola, takes photos, does the usual "apps"--probably for more money--but I haven't inquired because don't even want to know how to do that stuff.
Also, AARP advertises a basic cell phone that costs about $10 a month.
Claypoole| 2.9.12 @ 9:42AM
Thank you, Mr. Orlet. I don't feel quite so stupid anymore.
My children gave me a Kindle and an ipod Touch for Christmas this past year. They set up the wi-fi connection before they went home, and everything was fine--for a couple of days. Then the Kindle lost its little electronic mind overnight and was able to deliver a book only in supersized type--two or three words to the screen. I emailed Kindle support and received back the information that they had no idea what happened, couldn't fix it, and I should call their toll-free number to have someone "walk me through it." Not wanting to spend a half hour or more in a conversation with someone whose accent made their English difficult for me to understand, I turned off the Kindle, closed its cover and put it in a drawer. I'm now thinking I may send it back with a simple note,"Repair or replace."
Re the ipod: it corrects my spelling--incorrectly. I sent a message to my granddaughter and signed it "Nonny," the name the grandkids have always called me. In its wisdom, the ipod corrected my "Nonny" to "nonnuclear." Which, of course, I am, but that is not the point.
PolishKnight| 2.9.12 @ 9:55AM
I largely have wifi turned off on my kindle if only because I don't want Amazon in control of it. I do turn it on when I want to enjoy the free 3g browsing capability at the airport. It's a LOUSY browser, but is sufficient to get bus and airline schedules and also translate German and French.
The rest of the time, I transfer over books by hooking up the USB cable to my computer and simply dragging them from a folder from my hard drive. This also ensures I have a backup of my books.
Bill| 2.9.12 @ 12:13PM
I knew Kindle was a new wrinkle on shuck and jive when they took back Nineteen Eighty-Four due to copyright violations.
PolishKnight| 2.9.12 @ 2:54PM
hehehe. They took back YOUR copy of 1984, Bill. Not mine. Google Calibre.
Bill| 2.9.12 @ 3:33PM
And Animal Farm, and several Ayn Rand books including Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead, and a couple of Harry Potter books.
I don't let them control what I read because I don't own one of those readers, so they didn't delete any of my books. When I heard about that happening, I thought of certain scenes in Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451, which I also own in hard copy, so that amazon.com can't delete that one either.
Occam's Tool| 2.11.12 @ 6:56PM
Bradbury hates having his works on computers. Weird for a Science Fiction writer.
Bill| 2.9.12 @ 3:39PM
I Googled Calibre. They said it's the answer to all my e-book needs.
I have no e-book needs, so there was no point in going farther.
Frank Drackman| 2.9.12 @ 11:09AM
and what kind of Latte-sippin-Prius-drivin-Simp stays in a "Bed & Breakfast" anyway,
watsa matter, Motel 6 ain't good enough for ya?
You know who stays in Bed & Breakfasts? That Homo "Vito" from "The Sopranos" when he came out of the closet and ran off to New Hampshire.
OK, he was executed in some Roach Motel in New Jersey, but still...
and can you smoke in a "Bed & Breakfast"?
Nope, cause then they'd call it "Bed, Breakfast, & Smoke"
All I need's a louse-free bed, enough towels and washcloths to (Censored), and a single serving coffee maker, and if I have to deal with the desk clerk through bullet proof glass, so much the better...
Frank
Appleby| 2.9.12 @ 11:44AM
France doesn't have motels. And the B&B Hotels are not what Americans call Bed and Breakfast; they are modular hotels of small size. The F1 Hotels are truly modular; they are like sleeping in Legoland. We stayed in one of these one night and it gave me the creeps.
Audace| 2.9.12 @ 7:21PM
Appleby, I know the B&B chain hotels that you speak of and the Formula1 or F1 chain as well. You should try again the F1 little box motels. They're not so bad, depending on just where and what time of the week.
France has really made itself very user friendly with these reasonably priced. No, they offer no local flair, no charm. But they serve the purpose of a safe and clean place to stay and get a night's rest.
Sometimes I think Americans a bit odd and spoiled when they've never had to pad down a hallway at night in just bathrobe and slippers to use the floor's lone bathroom that is no larger than a broom closet.
Oh, the French that you say you wish to avoid and can do so by just doing the credit card self check-in after hours? No worries. They're not really, well, completely French. They are former Yugoslav, Algerian, Moroccan, Egyptian, Ethiopian, Tunisian, or from Delta Africa.
Kingofthenet| 2.9.12 @ 11:22AM
Setting up a Wifi connection isn't difficult, gauging by you level of Ludditesness I would imagine it would be as easy as searching for the network 'DEFAULT' or "Linksys' and entering 'PASSWORD' as the password.
albert constantine jr.| 2.9.12 @ 5:33PM
I prefer Neanderthal to Luddite (though I prefer it if you keep the 'h' silent, like Neander-tall).
Frank Drackman| 2.9.12 @ 11:50AM
Bought my first computer in 93, a lightning fast 486 DX2, which was like turning the Space Shuttle over to one of those Monkeys from "2001",
what a joy, configuring the Auto.Exec.Bats so you could play Links-486 without the screen freezing..
and the wonderment of actually being able to log on to Compuserve, oh wait it didn't come with one of those things that made the cool noises,
oh yeah, a modem, or a Sound Card, Joystick, and thats not even considering the state of the art 14 inch monitor I bought so I could enjoy the detail of those Links 486 courses...
Wordmonger| 2.9.12 @ 12:23PM
At the end of your scribbling, Mr.Orlet, I see you met up with That. You neglected to put what That said into the proper quotation marks.
Critique & Suggest| 2.9.12 @ 7:27PM
Help me out, Wordmonger. Seriously. How would you construct or reconstruct the article's ending sentence and sentiment?
It is not enough to just criticize, although this can be helpful. Please insert your suggested conclusion in a comment below.
Thank you.
Wordmonger| 2.9.12 @ 8:11PM
Eliminate "That said", the remainder of the sentence can stand on its own. Also, Mr.Orlet might have begun that last sentence with, "On our next holiday......".That said, having said that, add nothing and have become trite.
C & S| 2.10.12 @ 12:36AM
Okay, thank you for coming back and clarifying. Suggestions help.
Trite. Perhaps like "at the end of the day?"
You must be a stalwart schoolteacher grammarian. Is a book like Warriner's a favorite?
I shudder to think how much red pen you would expend on me!
buckeyeman| 2.9.12 @ 12:31PM
"Why are things so difficult?"
There actually exists a one word answer to your question. It is called "Entropy". Entropy is the universal force which drives all systems (galaxies, solar systems, planets, workshops, toolboxes) to increasingly lower orders of energy. In a practical sense, this translates into greater disorganization, since energy is required for increasing organization.
You have inadvertently stumbled onto an intriguing corollary to the principle of entropy. While not yet confirmed scientifically, this corollary may only be in effect on our own planet.
This as-yet unnamed (the "Gates Effect" is being considered) corollary involves systems with higher levels of complexity such as computer operating systems. Briefly, the corollary states that the universal force of entropy is increased exponentially with higher level systems of complexity.
We've all had experience putting together a kid's bicycle or a shelving system where the parts don't match the instruction sheet(all of which are written by Chinamen), there is no "slot B" in which to insert "tab B" on the third shelf, and there aren't enough nuts for the supplied screws . This soul-wrenching agony is VASTLY greater when trying, for example, to set line spacing or tabs in Microsoft Word (hence, the "Gates Effect"). This also explains why, when frustrated with needing three remotes to watch "Dancing With the Stars" we (quite logically) go out and purchase a UNIVERSAL REMOTE (I have five) only to find out that, due to the Gates Effect, they simply cannot be programmed.
Fishing is a reasonable antidote but remember that the lower level force of entropy that wreaks havoc ("wrecks havoc", in Obamaspeak) on toolboxes applies equally to tackle boxes.
Bill| 2.9.12 @ 3:50PM
Another example, I think, of the "Gates Effect" is the fact that computers were universally touted as labor-savers that would make our jobs infinitely easier.
In fact, computers have made us work considerably harder. And not necessarily more productively.
Very true| 2.9.12 @ 5:24PM
Gentlemen, correct. We now do fritter our lives away just figuring out minutiae to do what otherwise would just take a few minutes.
For some reason my computer's web browser failed recently. Knowing that there are free web browsing applications out there to be had, I deleted the old program and worked to install the new one.
Long story short -- two hours and 45 minutes later I was again web browsing and able to finally send my two-line web email reply.
What I should have done?
I should have just picked up my 1989 model telephone and dialed to leave that two sentence message.
marcia| 2.9.12 @ 12:45PM
My big box hardware store associates are equiped with these really cool "smart phones". They will do everything from checking prices, inventory at various stores, ordering product and occasionally act as phones. One of the female associates has found that if she wears the wrong ear rings, it will abruptly hang up on the call . Nice.
Don't get me started on those square secret code thingys.
Thank you Dave for reminding us how lucky we were to be born when we were!
kate| 2.9.12 @ 1:47PM
I remember my parents visits to the Soviet Union back in the 90's. They took along things like asprin and soap and blue jeans for gifts.
They recounted seeing lines of hundreds of people waiting to buy toilet paper.
I am old enough to remember the good old days and they are disappearing fast. Recently stayed in a $300 a night room on the river in San Antonio. The furniture reminded me of my time in Africa. (plastic, soviet style crap). The soap was tiny and pathetic, the toilet paper thin and I couldn't read at night because the "new" hideous light bulbs didn't generate LIGHT. The pool was ugly and grubby.
Tis called socialism. Everything will soon be gray and depressing. (But "fair")
PolishKnight| 2.9.12 @ 2:59PM
If you were a party member in USSR, Kate, you didn't wait in too many lines. That's how the left has clearly done it here in the states: If you're a government union member or croney, you get great healthcare with no bills and every possible holiday. The party members got to shop in the GUM store and got first in line for the common stuff.
Of course, keep in mind that the USSR didn't need to appeal to an electorate and buy them off with bread and circuses. They just killed them off in Gulags or starved them to death. Ironically, this strategy failed when they could no longer get away with such bad behavior due to evolving media of the time and the leftist press in the states no longer able to cover it all up.
kate| 2.9.12 @ 4:09PM
Polish Knight, you obviously know what you are talking about. My parents mentioned being able to shop in a store that the general public was not allowed to enter.
Why aren't our children being taught proper history? They haven't a clue as to how bad things can get.
The question is rhetorical. We are being slowly destroyed by liberal media and teacher's unions and government hand-outs to those whose vote can be bought.
kate| 2.9.12 @ 4:22PM
Can you IMAGINE only GOVERNMENT officials being allowed to frequent certain stores?
I can.
It was the case in the ussr.
Maybe the new conservative logo should be "IMAGINE" and the ads could provide some history to an ignorant public.
Bill| 2.9.12 @ 3:37PM
Everything won't be fair. But it will be equal. At least "equal" according to how the government evaluates equality.
In most collective societies, equality typically means that everyone is poor. And often grubby. And living in "function over form" architecture.
kate| 2.9.12 @ 4:18PM
Bill
I concur, but I've got to tell you that I deeply resent function over form and those damn light bulbs that are a horror.
I don't want grubby.
Many of us have worked very hard for a better life and freedom to work hard without over taxation. I enjoy some beauty (a nice light bulb and a good book will do most days) and value freedom.
Another day, another bailout.
Kobe beef for them, hotdogs for us.
I hope enough Americans wake up before the next elections, but I doubt it.
Apparently an i phone is enough!
I am not liking the new America one bit.
kate| 2.9.12 @ 1:48PM
Correction. Sorry, my parents visited in the 80's, not the 90's.
Tiber| 2.9.12 @ 5:31PM
Kate, you and Polish Knight, do a good job of reminding us what once was -- and will be again.
I shopped in several different East Bloc capital cities on visits and small business there. I used the government or privileged class only stores a few times. I also stood once in a long line (not because I needed the product, I wanted the experience).
It was always an eerie feeling. Sorry, it was just plain creepy. Particularly when back on the street an meeting the eyes and glances of those who could not use that same store or shop.
kate| 2.9.12 @ 6:07PM
What the left and the occupiers call greed, is not necessarily greed.
All human beings (the normal 99% who aren't psycho) long for moments of simple beauty, control over their own lives, security in knowing that one has abilities and can provide basics and some joy for friends and family.
Many of us relish work and a sense of pride in our individuality and talents.
What is wrong with being an innovator, a creative small business owner or a corporate guy who works long hours and is smart about looking at the bottom line and getting things organized?
What is wrong (according to the new hope and change crowd ) is that they want it what the hard workers have. Success. And they want it now.
Our society has turned into an instant gratification, spoiled, lazy group with no loyalty and little heart.
What the new immigrants and kids don't understand is that it takes years of work, a positive attitude, long hours and some brains and guts.
That is not to say that we should leave those truly in need to suffer.
Have people forgotten how to live a decent, independent life?
You can always help a family member or neighbor or friend in need. We don't need the government forcibly taking hard earned money and wasting it on pie- in -the -sky projects or giving it to friends of Al gore.
There is a new power block in this country and it is creepy.
Leaders don't always have to enact legislation. They can also inspire with true vision and WORDS.
I really think the schools in this country have damaged us.
History is such an important learning tool for youngsters to understand the world around them and their future and morality.
LindaF | 2.9.12 @ 2:04PM
If I were you, I'd try a Kindle - dead-on easy to set up, as well as a delight on the eyes. The screen is called e-paper, and it can be read even in bright light. Best of all for the aging, you can enlarge the font - no need for large-print books.
PCP Smoker| 2.9.12 @ 2:56PM
On the other hand, had you been able to step into the 21 century, figured out how to work your smartphone, and used the Travel advisor ap before making reservations, you would have gotten a chance to read the review of this particular b&b. Who knows, someone likely published a review raking the owner for his non working jacuzzi and indoor spa.
PolishKnight| 2.9.12 @ 3:06PM
No need to use a smartphone. Just go on tripadvisor on the web and look up the hotel. Too many kids are crazy for smartphones when they really don't save a lot of time. You don't need to twitter every body movement.
HH| 2.9.12 @ 5:39PM
Most people don't and cannot write. Oh they may string together what looks like three or four sentences, but these words do not convey clarity or offer value.
So many alleged advantages to online consumer review sites are overstated. One gets to a hotel's online reviews and sees 32 entries made. One thinks, "Good! From thirty-two customers posting commentary and ratings I will get a good overview of the place." Think again. Most people write tripe. Their word choice conveys no meaning. After skimming the thirty-two entries at that online consumer site, one is no wiser than before.
Chef Schnauzer| 2.9.12 @ 5:48PM
Try starting a small business. Local, county, state regulators believe that inhibiting business growth proves their necessity - and then once you are open come the parasites like bankers, credit card processors, marketing frauds an endless line of losers standing around hand out, palm up.
kate| 2.10.12 @ 3:51AM
Dear Christopher
Thank you for the refreshing and honest article. Enjoyed it, even though I feel your pain. An Amish holiday is sounding good at this point. (They probably could provide a better tub.)
Creaking and groaning| 2.10.12 @ 9:29AM
My time is running out, and I don't want to waste it on learning to use some gizmo. I still run Windows 2000 on my office computer, and it works just fine. To me, "app" is an abbreviation for a fruit. "Kindle" is something one does to start a fire.
"GPS" stands for "geriatric problems stink".
All this technology hasn't made things "easier", even for people who aren't old geezers like me. It hasn't even made them faster in any useful way.
What it has done is create 2 groups in society: those who are "on the bus" and those who are not. I don't want to be "on the bus". People who want to be on the bus are always running to catch the bus, and spending a lot of money for the fare. And the bus, for the most part, goes nowhere important or indispensible.
C & S| 2.10.12 @ 5:18PM
Creaking and Groaning: Hey, hey!
A good post.
I think a lot of the gadgetry robs wholesale our personalities.
If one ever wants to see the "Decline and Fall" go to a tech savvy speed dating event. The women and men there would not know how to enjoy a slow, thoughtful 3 hour, uninterrupted conversation with each other.
One commonality is their top ten word "bored." They get bored very fast and would toss out what could be a suitable suitor after just 15 minutes -- 15 minutes of that other person not meeting their needs, you see.
Yes, a lot of money and lost time invested in that bus to nowhere.
Occam's Tool| 2.11.12 @ 6:52PM
Mr. Orlet: Full disclosure---I own stock in Amazon---the Kindle, which is available for $79, has easy as pie wi-fi set up.
C&S---I am eternally grateful that I have the finest wife in the world, and the two best kids. I never had to go to a speed dating event, for which I am extremely happy...
Joe Nuts| 2.11.12 @ 7:25PM
I've been in EE and Software for over 40 years. I have no trouble dealing with any technology, new or old.. I've designed and written much control code, etc. That said, I often ponder what would I do if it all went blank, dead, kaput. I'd do just fine, I don't need no stinking technology to survive, short or long term. I do have doubts as to the under 30 crowd lasting a week.