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Eminentoes
Tumors of War
Hugo Chavez’s conspiracy theories get curiouser and curiouser.
Last week Venezuelan President for Life Hugo Chavez suggested the U.S. government gave him cancer. This is a nutty statement even for a guy who makes nutty statements for a living. Normal, sane people prefer to accuse large U.S. companies of giving them cancer, mostly because they — unlike the federal government — are not generally $15 trillion in debt.
Venezuela’s socialist leader did not say if the U.S. also infected him with dementia and paranoia, but you can judge for yourself.
Chavez also suggested the United States has given cancer to four other leftist South American leaders, both current and former. Why the U.S. would waste its time giving former leaders cancer is unclear. After all, plenty of current leftist leaders — like Bolivia’s Evo Morales and Uruguay’s José Mujica — remain cancer-free. Not to mention the Castro Brothers, who the U.S. has been trying to do in for nearly half a century.
In one of his interminable weekly television addresses Chavez reportedly mused: “It would not be strange if they had developed the technology to induce cancer and nobody knew about it until now.”
Actually, it would be strange. Cancer is increasingly curable. If the United States really wanted to give a leftist leader a terminal disease, we would probably choose something without a cure. Like Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease or, according to my 12-year-old niece, Justin Bieber fever.
Besides, we have had the technology to induce cancer for centuries. It’s called smoking. Chavez, who suffers from colorectal cancer, is a bloated, overweight chain-smoker, all risk factors for this particular disease. So is heavy drinking. I’m not sure if el Pineapple Head is a rummy, but that would certainly explain many of his statements.
For Chavez the smoking gun was a recent report that comely Argentinean President Cristina Elisabet Fernández de Kirchner (shown here getting a healthy squeeze from U.S. President Barack Obama) has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Miss Argentina joins Paraguay’s “Red Bishop” Fernando Lugo (diagnosed with non-Hodgkin lymphoma), Brazil’s frumpy former Marxist Dilma Rousseff (lymphoma), Brazil’s ex-leader Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva (throat cancer) in the South American cancer ward.
Perhaps the obvious reason all these lefty leaders have cancer has to do with the third-world health care in socialist countries. Note that the rulers of free market-friendly Colombia and the three “Guianas” are doing quite well, thank you.
CHAVEZ IS KNOWN for many things — political gangsterism, muzzling the press — but he is most famous for his wacky conspiracy theories, many of which involve the capitalist gringos to the north. He has blamed U.S. weapons tests for the 2010 Haiti earthquake. Back in 2005, he compared Halloween to terrorism because American parents disguise their kids as witches. (Don’t ask me, I’m just reporting what he said.) Another time Chavez proclaimed Zimbabwe’s dictator Robert Mugabe a “freedom fighter.” Yet all this nonsense pales before his weirdest fantasy, his theory that capitalism destroyed Mars. (It is statements like this that render satire obsolete.) Let’s assume Chavez has some inside information and there “had been civilization on Mars.” Isn’t Mars known as “the red planet”? In that case, doesn’t it seem much more likely that communism and not capitalism destroyed the planet?
Usually the U.S. simply ignores Chavez’s nutty rants. But for some reason the State Department felt the need to issue a statement regarding Chavez’ allegations. A spokesperson called the allegations “horrific and reprehensible.”
Hmmm, that’s really not a denial, is it?
Too bad America lacked the technology to inflict horrible diseases years ago. Imagine all the discomfort we could have given the 20th century’s most evil dictators. Just for sport, we could have infected Joe Stalin with scarlet fever. Hitler and his cronies certainly deserved a severe case of the German measles. And Chairman Mao surely earned a dose of the Hong Kong Flu. If nothing else this would have kept them preoccupied with something other than slaughtering their own (and other) people.
I can’t say I will miss Hugo when he finally departs his socialist paradise for the next. Certainly Venezuelans will be better off. But I sure will miss his wacky sense of humor — however unintentional it is.
About the Author
Christopher Orlet writes from St. Louis.
Letter to the Editor View all comments (27) | Leave a comment
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The Bruce| 1.5.12 @ 7:38AM
Ron Paul supporters are known for their wacky conspiracy theories, too. Are they going to be getting a statement from the State Department?
Seriously, why did they even waste time on this nonsense?
Michael Tomlinson| 1.5.12 @ 8:11AM
I didn't know Hugo Chavez was a Ron "Barack Soros" Paul backer. How cool.
9thID| 1.5.12 @ 11:58AM
Liber-als & Liber-tarians share many common traits including conspiracy theories, cult of personality, elitism, tyranny, revisionism, isolationism, anti-Semitism, and social libertinism...
POST American| 1.5.12 @ 8:14AM
--Of course, no fan of Chavez but,
as the word is now out about the stealth
weaponization of the 1950s Salk POLIO
'vack--seen' with LIVE simian 40 cancer
viruses---which sleep in your RNA until
homrones change and fade in late middle
age
------------------------UH-----------------------
perhaps he's, for once, onto something.
chuck| 1.5.12 @ 12:22PM
I finally figured it out, PA is Hugo Chavez!
Say Baptist| 1.5.12 @ 8:14AM
I see by the papers that White House spokes people have officially denied that President Obama was twice teleported to Mars. Who Knew?
Michael Tomlinson| 1.5.12 @ 8:22AM
I think he went to Hugo Chavez's "Uranus."
Stammon| 1.5.12 @ 10:07AM
That's a nasty crack but a good opening for conversation.
Skippy| 1.6.12 @ 2:08PM
Hmm.. Cheeky chap, eh?
kissufim| 1.5.12 @ 8:40AM
Thoroughly enjoyable. It is a curious thing that the South American Marxist cabal has more in common than just ideology.
Timothy L. Pennell| 1.5.12 @ 8:45AM
While we're on the subject of: Hugo Chavez? Let's talk about his American Counterpart.
How long have I been writing about DICTATORSHIP 101? How long have I been saying that this guy is a Dictator, and he's getting away with it, because we have a sycophantic Press, only too happy to Inform us of his Greatness, and Cover Up the rest?
We heard, in 2008, when his ASSOCIATIONS with Communists, and Marxists, and Socialists, and Maoists, and Anarchists were brought up, that WE WERE GUILTY of perpetrating "Guilt by Association". We were lectured that 'Birds of a Feather', don't necessarily 'Flock Together'. And we were derided as RACISTS, when we used the words of CHRIST: "Men shall know you bye the company you keep".
Yesterday, the Man with his Life's Documentation SEALED in a Vault, on an Island State, in the Middle of the Ocean, Crossed the Rubicon. He picked up a Hammer, walked over to the Library of Congress, smashed the case that holds the Constitution, and WIPED HIS *SS with it.
He has decided, by himself, that "I" am not gonna stand by, while a Minority (Irony, anyone?) in the Senate is doing things that will harm this Economy (Projection) while I'm trying to save the Middle Class." (Lie)
"I'm" not gonna stand here. "I'm" not gonna allow it.
I thought he was a Constitutional Professor? I thought that he taught the Constitution? Of course, that was all just one more LIE, from the Media. One more LIE from people like Historian: Michael Beschloss, who told Don Imus that Obama is probably the Smartest person to ever be President, and that his I.Q. "is off the Charts". When asked, by Imus, if he knew what his I.Q. was? Beschloss replied: "I have NO IDEA, but I'm sure that it's really high".
He HIDES his Records, in a Vault, like the Vatican would hide something that would PROVE that there's no GOD. Obamas' Acolytes preach the MYTH about the Man, and it's up to the rest of us, to Prove otherwise.
He was in the U.S. Senate when Harry Reid, and Dick Durbin, and Chuck Schumer, and all of the rest of the SCUM, did the exact same thing, while George Bush was President, as the Republicans are doing, now.
Where's the Media? Where's ABC, CBS, NBC, and NPR? They all KNOW this to be true. He's in Direct Confrontation with the Constitution, AGAIN. Everybody knows it, and yet, so far, nobody's doing anything.
"All that Evil needs, to succeed, is for Good Men to do Nothing."
He doesn't talk with his Cabinet. He doesn't talk with Congressional Leaders. And, why should he? Did King George do these things? Did Napoleon? Did Hitler? Did Kim Jung Il?
If he isn't Stopped now? We're looking at Civil War. Anyone, who LOVES THIS COUNTRY, and would wish this guy harm? Might just find themselves, out of options. There's 360 Million people here. And it only takes 1.
To our Friends at the Secret Service: You know your OATH. It's to the Constitution. It's not to HIM. It's to the Constitution. When you take that Oath, you swear to PROTECT the Constitution from all enemies, both Foreign and DOMESTIC.
How do you Define: Domestic Enemy? What are the Parameters? Can a President, ever be that Domestic Enemy? This President is tearing down the Fabric of this Republic. He has divided us in to 2 Camps. We look more and more like present day IRAQ, than we do, The United States of America. We are running out of time.
I have Faith that GOD will not permit this THING to go on long enough, to Destroy this Country. And I believe that, somewhere out there, someone will do what's right, and put an end to the ATTROCITIES, that are being perpetrated against the American people, on an almost Daily Basis.
This needs to be Fixed, through the Proper Channels of Government - The House and the Senate - and through the Media. Otherwise, in a Country of 360 Million people, someone out there might end up feeling FORCED, to fix it the Wrong Way.
I'm just saying.
CrackerHound| 1.5.12 @ 9:48AM
Let's see....very soon after taking office, Obama traveled to South America and met with the who's who of latin communism and SAT while one by one they shredded the dignity of America by berating us while our president sat in silence. He then traveled to Cairo and he himself confirmed to the Islamic world that yes, America was indeed the great satan. During all of this, he receives the Nobel Peace Prize for....being in the Senate and getting elected president? Running a good campaign? hmmm.
Now, three years after taking office, he has set the stage for a violent reaction when he is defeated in the election. Where's that civilian army as powerful as the military he spoke about?
Here's a whacky conspiracy theory for you (or is it?): With all of the "test runs" of foreign country's hacking our national systems, and what appears to be a technological breakthrough that puts hacking in a new perspective (Stutsnex Worm that invaded Iranian nuclear sites and the worm that apparently infected the Wall Street computer systems and caused a huge one day spike and drop, and other examples), perhaps there is NO WAY he will lose. Hell, China could probably fix our elections right now from 8,000 miles away. I believe that technology has capabilities beyond what most people realize. Perhaps Obama already knows with 100% certainty that he WILL be re-elected.
Stammon| 1.5.12 @ 10:08AM
Are you gonna cut and paste this on every AS thread?
Timothy L. Pennell| 1.5.12 @ 10:34AM
I already did.
There is NOTHING more important, than what I wrote about. We have a President assuming the role of DICTATOR.
"We've given you a Republic, Madame. If you can keep it."
Now, GFY.
Not everyone to add to the conversations like you. Nice Comments, Dumb*ss.
hardcard| 1.5.12 @ 8:59AM
too many steroids for fat hugo, I think so.
Anthony| 1.5.12 @ 9:14AM
If only we did have this power!!! Couldn't happen to a better wacko lefty, except for about a couple of thousand more I can think of !!
Do you remember this turd coming to the U.N. during the Iraq War, just after President Bush addressed the General Assembly?
Fat Hugo claimed to smell sulfur, drawing approval laughter from the other lefty U.N. loonies assembled that day.
Alas, poor Hugo, that sulfur smell was coming from you, with one too many red beans and rice dinners under your belt. I suggest that's where his colorectal cancer stems from.
Adios, el gordo!!!
Nina| 1.5.12 @ 9:51AM
Well, now that he's in cahoots with Iran, maybe that particular cancer will spread! I didn't know we were so smart...infiltrating them with cancer, destroying mars....wow! right up there with how the holocaust never happened....Dreams of My Father anyone? Anyone see a pattern here....?
Peppermint Tea| 1.5.12 @ 10:01AM
I would prefer cancer; what the Obamacontagion is giving us is DEBT ($6 trillion & counting) which is an Auto-immune Deficiency Syndrome that prevents us from counteracting simple diseases.
Anthony| 1.5.12 @ 2:28PM
Gordo Hugo does deserve some credit for restraint. As Ryan O'Neil said in the wonderful movie of the '70s, "Being a lefty loon means never having to explain yourself".
It was a powerful moment in movie lore.
Gordo Hugo could have blamed his cancer and digsestive troubles on Anthropogenic Global Warming.
Now that's what I call restraint. The man is a true leader.
Truth be known, I blame my digestive troubles to this day on Bush's New Tone.
Joe| 1.5.12 @ 3:11PM
I know this is a little of topic but, the title annoys me. "Hugo Chavez's conspiracy theories get curiouser and curiouser." Should it not be- "Hugo Chavez's conspiracy theories get more and more curious"?
Dave Williams| 1.5.12 @ 5:42PM
It's a literary reference, to one of Lewis Carroll's Alice books; considering the subject, Mr. Loony-Tunes Chavez, it's entirely appropriate.
Joe| 1.5.12 @ 6:18PM
Ah, I see. Thanks Dave, it makes sense now! I just hear/see so many in the media these days using improper speech that it I felt compelled to comment.
Quartermaster| 1.5.12 @ 7:50PM
Justin Bieber fever? Now that would be a terrible, TERRIBLE way to die. Can we give it to El Gordo Grosso, or the Castro Bros. or Amadinnerjacket and his Imam compadres?
Richard Baker| 1.5.12 @ 8:42PM
Come on Cancer! Do your Duty!
Richard Baker| 1.5.12 @ 9:03PM
hardcard:
When the steroids quit working watch how he becomes skin and bones prior to, as Neal Boortz calls it, taking the Celestial Dirt Nap.
POST American| 1.5.12 @ 9:28PM
---------------------FINAL WORD-----------------------
-AS 2012 opens, maybe time to make
an unflinching inventory of how many of your
regular, clean living, hard working,
family oriented, friends, families and
neighbors have died and are dying of
cancers that, 4 decades ago, were all
but unheard of.
----------They call it the 'RED China model'.
Loner | 2.6.12 @ 11:09AM
I guess he has heard somewhere that stress and continuous depression may also cause cancer, and look his relationship with government was sort of depressive and frustrating. On the other hand, the well-known " technology to induce cancer" is not banned yet by the government, as well as multiple other technologies (unhealthy foods, alcohol). So maybe there is a grain of sanity in his statement.