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Loose Canons

2011: The Year the Wheels Fell Off

The good news is that 2011 is finally over. The bad news is that 2012 is upon us.

(Page 2 of 3)

(Seizing the opportunity in Resendiz’s statement, Eurozone leaders announced that their predecessors had been drunk when they signed the Maastricht Treaty. When they made that announcement, the Eurozoners were observed to be imbibing a large glass of something called the “Merkozy cocktail.” Laboratory analysis later revealed that the drink was a mix of Kool Aid, vodka and LSD.)

Physicists at the CERN research center in Switzerland sent a stream of neutrinos to Italy where it was determined that the neutrinos had exceeded the speed of light and arrived before they left, apparently disproving Einstein’s theory of Special Relativity.

The EU reacted angrily because in Europe nothing is allowed to go faster than anything else for fear that it might work harder. The EU enacted a special neutrino speed tax which Italy couldn’t pay because the entire Italian treasury had been spent on new Maseratis for the Ministry of Defense. The Italian parliament tried to determine who was driving the Maseratis and failed because none of the MoD staff had reported to work since Mussolini was executed.

JULY: Niko Alm competed successfully with Muslim women for the right to self-decorate while being photographed for official government ID’s. Proclaiming himself a “Pastafarian” — a previously obscure religion that worships the Flying Spaghetti Monster — Mr. Alm succeeded in having his Austrian drivers’ license photo taken with a colander on his head. Rep. Ron Paul said he was not running for re-election to congress so that he could concentrate on his presidential bid. It was unclear, even after the first 638 Republican candidate debates, whether Paul wanted to run as a Republican or a Pastafarian.

AUGUST: The proudest symbol of Barry’s green jobs campaign — Solyndra — filed for bankruptcy, leaving us stuck with the $535 million loan guarantee by the Energy Department. Fisker — an electric car company — got a huge loan from the Energy Department and promptly spent it on a production facility in Norway. Tesla, yet another green grifter company closely tied to Obama, also got a multi-hundred million dollar loan, which will be repaid as soon as hell freezes over or liberals admit these rent seekers are doing less than duck hunters to preserve the earth.

Meanwhile, Congress and Obama agreed to raise the debt ceiling and play Russian roulette with an empty pistol. They created a congressional Supercommittee tasked to reduce our debt by great green globs by Thanksgiving. The bill included a “trigger mechanism” to impose “sequestration,” making automatic massive and painful cuts to defense and domestic spending, but not to entitlements.

Judging congressional achievement appropriately, Standard and Poor’s declared the Obama downgrade, a first for America’s credit rating.

The biochemical causation of this congressional knavery was confirmed by the dating service Chemistry.com, which reported that Washington, D.C. was among the top ten cities in which “high-estrogen” men could be found. These men — according to Dr. Helen Fisher of Chemistry.com — are “sensitive men who are concerned about the state of the world.” You know: girlie-men.

Meanwhile, TSA inaugurated a new airport security measure, which requires any woman over the age of 60 to be held upside down and shaken to dislodge any hidden weapons or costume jewelry.

SEPTEMBER: Republican debates became so boring that television networks considered hiring fake moderators such as Donald Trump. The problem can best be solved, without Trump, by ensuring that future debates are moderated, seriatim, by John Madden, the Kardashian sisters, and Liam Neeson accompanied by the rest of the stars of the “A-Team” movie appearing in character. I pity the fools…

Audi of America President Johan de Nysschen called the Chevy Volt — Obama’s favorite automobile — a car for idiots. The Volt is the worst and most heavily government-subsidized car since the previous worst car of all time, the East German Trabant, which the Volt matches in performance and reliability. Don’t get matches close to it, because the Volt’s batteries are prone to catching fire. GM reported that it had sold 6,000 Volts so far, which means that, all told, the subsidy amounts to about $250,000 per car, a Great Green bargain. (Actually, a large part of those sales were to the government, which only multiplies the subsidy by making us pay for the cars twice.)

In October, we all mourned the death of Apple genius Steve Jobs. Shortly after he left us, the world’s BlackBerry service was disrupted for several days which coincided with Apple’s announcement of the new “iHaunt” app for the iPhone. Meanwhile, Libyan rebels found Muammar Qaddafi-Gaddafi-Khadaffy cowering in a sewer. Khadafi was reportedly killed in a crossfire (between the guy on his right and the guy on his left.) This event was mourned only by editors who will no longer be able to make their reporters’ lives miserable by randomly imposing different spellings of Moammar’s name.

The aforementioned N.Y. Post celebrated by publishing the best headline page in decades. Seems the guy who may have killed Krudaffy with his own gun was wearing a particular baseball cap. Which headline and subhead were too good to not reprint in full: “KHADAFY KILLED BY YANKEE FAN: Gunman had more hits than A-Rod.” (And no apologies to A-Rod, who hits like one of those high-estrogen Washington, D.C. men.)

The Occupy Wall Street movement grew so large that in October, President Obama formally embraced the great unwashed OWS kids, telling ABC’s Jake Tapper, “The most important thing we can do right now is those of us in leadership letting people know that we understand their struggles and we are on their side…”

Which resulted in the fine people of Charlotte, N.C. — where the 2012 Dem convention will be held — trying to preempt the OWS’ers inevitable migration to their city. Charlotte’s city fathers weren’t enthused by Obama’s invitation to another Chicago 1968-style riot so, at last report, they were amending the tradition of southern hospitality by building an electrified fence around their city.

Page:   12 3  

About the Author

Jed Babbin served as a Deputy Undersecretary of Defense under George H.W. Bush. He is the author of several bestselling books including Inside the Asylum and In the Words of Our Enemies. You can follow him on Twitter @jedbabbin.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (38) |

albert constantine jr.| 12.30.11 @ 8:31AM

I'm not used to Jed Babbin displaying his sense of humor here, even if it is the gallows variety. Here's hoping 2012 comes to a close with us looking to end the Obama era with a recount of Biden's greatest gaffes.

Clint| 12.30.11 @ 1:19PM

Yes, But Who Is Mittens Romney ?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1wPrsEP2nc

The Tea Party Rebellion Steps On Mittens.

Dave | 12.30.11 @ 8:56AM

Noted in Jed's column that Caesar Chavez finally got his name painted on the side of a U.S. Navy ship. He also wondered how long it might be before some kind of American military vessel might be named in honor of Eric Holder or Barney Frank. Admittedly, some will scoff at that last notion, but the way the Obama administration has pushed and promoted the enhancement of gays in the military, don't be surprised if the next bottle of California champagne is cracked over the hull to the new U.S.S. Village People. If, indeed that happens, I'm guessing the post launch party will be moved from the downtown USO, to a local YMCA.

Granted, American military ships aren't usually named after preferred groups or organizations, but if Barney Frank should qualify for the honor, I'm thinking a four man dingy might be a way to go. Or perhaps a launch canoe from the tugboat USS Ellen.

As it stand now, there's no word on whether the Navy or other branches of the armed forces will be designing a special, commemorative patch for sailors to wear, or whether the time-honored insignia on the brim of an officer's hat (sometimes referred to as scrambled eggs) will be altered. Having said that, if Mrs. Obama has any input, she may well push the president to have the design updated into some kind of veggie-combo thing.

To be fair here, "now" might be the right time for a change, or at least a cultural tweaking. Unfortunatley, I'm a little too long in the teeth to be picturing a general like Dwight Eisenhower or Douglas MacArthur with fat-free broccoli on their brims.

I guess what I'm saying is, in my graying world, some stuff is still ... just wrong.

But I'll get over it.

WRTolkas| 12.30.11 @ 10:42AM

I know what type of vessel will be the Barny Frank:

Wait for it:

A Ferry Boat.

Happy New Year

JimH| 12.30.11 @ 2:56PM

Maybe one of those amphibious assault ships. They are entered from the rear. Sorry, couldn't resist. Happy New Year all.

KennesawJack| 12.30.11 @ 9:40AM

Am I correct to assume the USS Barney Frank will be a submarine?

albert constantine jr.| 12.30.11 @ 9:59AM

...and please, no remarks about able bodied seamen.

mikhail silo| 12.30.11 @ 9:14PM

You spelled seaman wrong.

albert constantine jr.| 12.31.11 @ 4:47PM

I was using the plural.

Rowdy Boots| 1.2.12 @ 8:38PM

DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!

RUN SILENT, RUN DEEP...

Ned the Red| 12.30.11 @ 10:16AM

The ship named after Caesar Chavez should be the flagship of that thar new green fleet that runs on lettuce.

JimH| 12.30.11 @ 5:59PM

I wonder if you can get grapes in the mess.

Micha Elyi| 12.31.11 @ 3:18AM

No lettuce!

Rowdy Boots| 1.2.12 @ 8:51PM

Why in God's name is Chavez'd name on a Military Ship?

Maybe a road in L. A. or even a Solar Farm, but a Ship?

OBAMA, YOUR POLITICAL STRIPES ARE SHOWING...

Indy| 12.30.11 @ 10:33AM

You could write a full piece on 2011 outrages just on Eric Holder, remember how he attacked SB1070 without even reading the 10 page law
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xvqjzkJv4i0

If the GOP is able to win the WH, I'd like to see Sheriff Paul Babeu as DHS Secretary

glenny| 12.30.11 @ 2:46PM

Or Sheriff Joe Arpaio as FBI Director.
glenny

Indy| 12.30.11 @ 10:38AM

And when was the trial for KSM? Oh, nevermind, nothing has happened and nothing will until after the elections, the press has been too quiet, our President needs to be challenged, it's flat out wrong this terrorist has yet to stand trial. Holder created the mess by trying to move it to civilian court but only after political pressure did he back off. When is this military tribunal? Why isn't the press asking? Why are GOP candidates silent on this?

Quartermaster| 12.30.11 @ 4:41PM

We don't have to try him. He was an irregular taken under arms and under the Geneva Conventions could be killed outright. March him up a scaffold and let him dance on air yesterday.

Petronius| 12.30.11 @ 11:47AM

Oh tempora. Oh mores. And another Christmas dysfunctional family style drag letter is exactly what we need. And what for 2012? Sturm un drang. Worry about what the following year would bring. A President Romney will swell the Dept. of Human Services with former health insurance company employees in his vane atempt to make Obamacare function. He will also get on to Sec. Nav. and have the U.S.S. Ceasar Chavez renamed U.S.S. Perfidia. President Gingrich will host a state dinner for all surviving Darwin Award winners so he will have someone he can identify with to talk to after the press corps have phoned in their daily hit pieces and buggered off to the club. He will otherwise fill the West Wing with De-elected RINO's for a reprise of the Ford administration. President Ron Paul will have our Ambassador to Israel deliver a note to Netanyahu with the following words: "mazel tov." He will then sign the bill legalizing drug use and start taking a meat axe to all unnecessary government departments. Most important, he will sic the AG on Goldman Sachs and in his first State of the Union speech, call for repeal of the Gun Control Act of 1968. President Bachman will nominate Anita Bryant to the Supreme Court at first opportunity. President Perry will transfer the 16,000 new hires President Obama gazetted to the IRS to the U.S. Postal Service which has not hired a full time Letter Carrier in the passed five years so that the public will get their mail before dark. He will also cut government salaries 20-35% and get together with Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan to gut baseline budgeting. Above all he will seal the Mexican border with BATF Agents. President Santorum will restore all Constitutional limits on Federal Executive power and conduct his office within those limits. He will impose austerity budgets, put an end to all environmental, social, and tax policies choking the economy to death and get a bill, through Congress repatriating profits now held overseas by American companies. After coordinating the repeal of Obamacare he would sign into law new enabling legislation allowing creation of a non government cohort which will give ordinary Americans in the private sector access to the Federal Employees Health Benefit program at premiums .1% above current rates along with a 75% Federal tax deduction for said premiums. On the Seventh Day he will rest.
Here's hoping(?) your column for two years hence will read like three sentences. A toast to 2012 with cheap champagne Jed.

Quartermaster| 12.30.11 @ 4:43PM

Too bad Santorum wouldn't do a thing about illegal immigration.

egoist | 12.30.11 @ 8:50PM

What was it that Bogart once said?: "it sounds kind of good when you put it that way"

The reality is so much worse than can be covered in such a short writeup, but kudos for trying to keep me from sticking my head in the oven.

POST American| 12.30.11 @ 9:47PM

--------------------FINAL WORD------------------------

And this, the year in which NDAA added
yet another dimension to our now in place,
full-spectrum 'SIR--veil--ANTS' police
state with the 'on the books' authorization
of the the 'disappearance' of American citizens
---everywhere.

The ONLY other state in world history
to EVER carry such a law on the books
was, and is ----NORTH KOREA.

"When your time comes
---WHAT WILL YOU DO?
------WHAT---WILL---YOU---DO?"
-Trailer for 'IKIRU"
(Kurosawa's 1952 film)

-------------------------WHAT?

albert constantine jr.| 12.31.11 @ 4:53PM

Hey POST, I have a rather space consuming "update" about John Wheeler, in the event you haven't seen it:

Pentagon aide's
death stumps police
a year after grisly
find

Exactly one year later, the John P. Wheeler
III slaying mystery shows no signs of being
solved.

Wheeler, a former Pentagon aide and key
founder of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial,
turned up dead last New Year's Eve in
Wilmington's Cherry Island landfill, his body
spilling from a garbage truck that had just
picked up trash in Newark.

The grisly discovery occurred about 14
hours after Wheeler was seen on
surveillance video in downtown Wilmington,
where the 66-year-old New Castle
resident, looking disheveled, had been
wandering for about two days.

After 12 months of investigation, at first
intense but recently almost dormant,
authorities still have no suspects. They
don't know where Wheeler was killed,
according to an autopsy, by blunt-force
trauma.
Tips to Newark police have been sporadic
and unhelpful to investigators, who have
not even determined which trash bin the
killer or killers used to hide Wheeler's
body.
"There's no new information," Newark
police Lt. Mark A. Farrell said. "We're still
hopeful somebody's going to come forward
to provide information that's going to help
us. But, at this time, we don't have the
answers
Katherine Klyce, Wheeler's widow, would
not comment for this story. Her attorney
said she remains distraught by her
husband's killing and frustrated that the
culprit hasn't been found. Klyce and her
family have offered a $25,000 reward for
information leading to an arrest.

"For obvious reasons, the family is not
looking forward to the first anniversary of
his death," said her Wilmington lawyer,
Colm F. Connolly. "They are committed to
helping the authorities."

For the first few months of 2011, the
murder of Wheeler was international news.

A video of him hobbling around a
Wilmington parking garage on Dec. 29 was
shown repeatedly and went viral on the Internet. In the video, Wheeler is carrying
one of his shoes while looking for his car,
which was parked in a different garage
blocks away.

The mystery even spurred wild, Web-
fueled conspiracy theories like the one that
claimed he was killed because he was
about to blow the whistle on poison gas
testing that killed thousands of blackbirds
in Arkansas the day his body was found.

At the time, Wheeler's family and friends
vacillated between wondering whether the
West Point graduate was targeted for
assassination or had simply been in the
wrong place at the wrong time in a rough
section of Wilmington. Wheeler, who had
served in the last three Republican
presidential administrations, had bipolar
disorder and once was hospitalized for that
condition.

Klyce told The News Journal in May that she
was trying to decide whether her husband
was targeted or the victim of a random act
of violence. She said then she was leaning
toward one scenario, "but I'm not going to Internet. In the video, Wheeler is carrying
one of his shoes while looking for his car,
which was parked in a different garage
blocks away.

The mystery even spurred wild, Web-
fueled conspiracy theories like the one that
claimed he was killed because he was
about to blow the whistle on poison gas
testing that killed thousands of blackbirds
in Arkansas the day his body was found.

At the time, Wheeler's family and friends
vacillated between wondering whether the
West Point graduate was targeted for
assassination or had simply been in the
wrong place at the wrong time in a rough
section of Wilmington. Wheeler, who had
served in the last three Republican
presidential administrations, had bipolar
disorder and once was hospitalized for that
condition.

Klyce told The News Journal in May that she
was trying to decide whether her husband
was targeted or the victim of a random act
of violence. She said then she was leaning
toward one scenario, "but I'm not going to
tell you which one. I'm open to being
wrong."

California lawsuit

In recent months, the only rumblings
concerning the late John P. Wheeler III
occurred 3,000 miles away in California
and had nothing to do with who killed him.

They occurred in a lawsuit filed by Klyce's
brother and wife, who accused Klyce,

Wheeler and Klyce's sister of "cyberterror"
by hacking into their email accounts and
disrupting their lives.

The suit, filed in San Francisco federal court
in May by Henry and Carole Klyce, claimed
that Wheeler used "the military expertise he
had gained in cyberwarfare" to assist with
the "unending and intensified harassment."
The goal of the conspiracy, the lawsuit
claimed, was to persuade Henry Klyce to
allow his sisters to invest in his business
ventures in medical devices.

The women had made several million
dollars through such investments in the
past, but after Henry Klyce cut them off
amid a family feud, the lawsuit charged,
"they were experiencing financial
difficulties."

In court papers, Klyce and her sister, Ellen,
scoffed at the allegations. Through their
attorneys, they called the allegations
"fanciful and unsupportable allegations,
surely more suited to an Ian Fleming novel
than a federal complaint."

Their response also minimized Wheeler's
computer capabilities, saying the
allegations "grossly misrepresent Mr.
Wheeler's military experience to imply that
he, himself, was an advanced computer
hacker. In actuality, Mr. Wheeler's military
career was that of a policy adviser and his
technical experience with computers was
very limited, both in his professional career
and in his personal life."

The notion that Wheeler was a skilled
hacker was "contradicted" by the fact that
the Klyce sisters were readily identified by
"simple subpoenas" to their Internet service
providers, they wrote.

The lawsuit was settled last month. Andrew
Kreeft, attorney for Klyce in the lawsuit,
said neither side admitted any liability in
the settlement and both paid their own
court costs and attorney's fees.

The search for Wheeler's killer continues,
however.

Farrell said a Newark detective who initially
worked full time on the case is now
handling other duties.
"He follows up on information that has not
proven to be fruitful," Farrell said.

Police still yearn for a break, perhaps
spurred by anniversary stories about the
killing.

"Hopefully, this will generate more interest
in the case from the public," Farrell said.

Martin Owens| 12.30.11 @ 11:59PM

I've said it before and I'll say it again:

contemplating the future, I am only thankful that
I've reached the age where one can honorably
take refuge in drink.....

enfant puro jordan | 12.31.11 @ 5:51AM

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Rowdy Boots| 1.2.12 @ 8:48PM

eh?

Indy| 12.31.11 @ 12:52PM

I really don't want to believe this story but I trust Andy McCarthy, do you think this will receive proper media attention?

"Obama Recruits Qaradawi
The administration is working with a Muslim Brotherhood jurist.

After thousands of young Americans have laid down their lives to protect the United States from jihadist terror, President Obama apparently seeks to end the war by asking Qaradawi, a jihad-stoking enemy of the United States, to help him strike a deal that will install our Taliban enemies as part of the sharia state we have been building in Afghanistan. If the Hindu report is accurate, the price tag will include the release of Taliban prisoners from Gitmo — an element of the deal Reuters has also reported. The administration will also agree to the lifting of U.N. sanctions against the Taliban, and recognition of the Taliban as a legitimate political party (yes, just like the Muslim Brotherhood!). In return, the Taliban will pretend to forswear violence, to sever ties with al-Qaeda, and to cooperate with the rival Karzai regime.

It would mark one of the most shameful chapters in American history."

http://www.nationalreview.com/.....c-mccarthy

Niniane| 12.31.11 @ 7:14PM

Mr. Babbin, you made my day. But you forgot to mention the December grabbing of a cupcake by our valiant TSA when a woman tried to bring it onto a plane. I also feel so much safer that I will not be threatened by a box of cannoli or one of those apple-filled buns.

POST American| 1.1.12 @ 10:27PM

____________ESSENTIAL______________

Just POSTED video:

"SLOW KILL HOLOCAUST' InfoWars

------------More URGENT than HUAC---------------

---------More X-Files than Nuremberg 2012---------

_____________________________WOW!

Dipesto| 1.2.12 @ 12:51PM

President Bachmann will appoint Turner Overdrive as her Transportation Sec. And do not forget that '12 will be the year of the Madonna Super Bowl.

Rowdy Boots| 1.2.12 @ 8:33PM

Thank You Mr. Babbin!

It was a very humorous look at a REALLY TERRIBLE YEAR FOR AMERICA.

My suggestion for Obama's Next Ship Naming:

GOLF 85

Occam's Tool| 1.2.12 @ 9:16PM

Dear Jed: thank you for your pungently on target comments about the Fort Hood massacre. I was offered a job at Fort Hood as a psychiatrist at Darnell Medical Center in 2007. After I had accepted, as they were still delaying my final privilege paperwork (I was behind two other docs in processing), I was offered my job in Minnesota. Thank G-d.

As a Jew and a Zionist who also would have obeyed the rules NOT to take a firearm on campus, that maniac would have killed me. I am thankful every day that job two came through. And I am thankful every day for your work opposing jihad.

Dipesto| 1.2.12 @ 9:30PM

Golf 85 is a good name for an O era ship, but why not go all out and honor the administration by naming a ship after that renowned golfer Boo Weekly. But a big ship should be named the USS Jane Russell, who did have big guns.

Peppermint Tea| 1.9.12 @ 6:57PM

Not guns, ballast.

ugg| 4.25.12 @ 10:52PM

beats by dre beats by dre
Beats Kopfhörer beats by dre

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