The good news is that 2011 is finally over. The bad news is that 2012 is upon us.
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(Seizing the opportunity in Resendiz’s statement, Eurozone leaders announced that their predecessors had been drunk when they signed the Maastricht Treaty. When they made that announcement, the Eurozoners were observed to be imbibing a large glass of something called the “Merkozy cocktail.” Laboratory analysis later revealed that the drink was a mix of Kool Aid, vodka and LSD.)
Physicists at the CERN research center in Switzerland sent a stream of neutrinos to Italy where it was determined that the neutrinos had exceeded the speed of light and arrived before they left, apparently disproving Einstein’s theory of Special Relativity.
The EU reacted angrily because in Europe nothing is allowed to go faster than anything else for fear that it might work harder. The EU enacted a special neutrino speed tax which Italy couldn’t pay because the entire Italian treasury had been spent on new Maseratis for the Ministry of Defense. The Italian parliament tried to determine who was driving the Maseratis and failed because none of the MoD staff had reported to work since Mussolini was executed.
JULY: Niko Alm competed successfully with Muslim women for the right to self-decorate while being photographed for official government ID’s. Proclaiming himself a “Pastafarian” — a previously obscure religion that worships the Flying Spaghetti Monster — Mr. Alm succeeded in having his Austrian drivers’ license photo taken with a colander on his head. Rep. Ron Paul said he was not running for re-election to congress so that he could concentrate on his presidential bid. It was unclear, even after the first 638 Republican candidate debates, whether Paul wanted to run as a Republican or a Pastafarian.
AUGUST: The proudest symbol of Barry’s green jobs campaign — Solyndra — filed for bankruptcy, leaving us stuck with the $535 million loan guarantee by the Energy Department. Fisker — an electric car company — got a huge loan from the Energy Department and promptly spent it on a production facility in Norway. Tesla, yet another green grifter company closely tied to Obama, also got a multi-hundred million dollar loan, which will be repaid as soon as hell freezes over or liberals admit these rent seekers are doing less than duck hunters to preserve the earth.
Meanwhile, Congress and Obama agreed to raise the debt ceiling and play Russian roulette with an empty pistol. They created a congressional Supercommittee tasked to reduce our debt by great green globs by Thanksgiving. The bill included a “trigger mechanism” to impose “sequestration,” making automatic massive and painful cuts to defense and domestic spending, but not to entitlements.
Judging congressional achievement appropriately, Standard and Poor’s declared the Obama downgrade, a first for America’s credit rating.
The biochemical causation of this congressional knavery was confirmed by the dating service Chemistry.com, which reported that Washington, D.C. was among the top ten cities in which “high-estrogen” men could be found. These men — according to Dr. Helen Fisher of Chemistry.com — are “sensitive men who are concerned about the state of the world.” You know: girlie-men.
Meanwhile, TSA inaugurated a new airport security measure, which requires any woman over the age of 60 to be held upside down and shaken to dislodge any hidden weapons or costume jewelry.
SEPTEMBER: Republican debates became so boring that television networks considered hiring fake moderators such as Donald Trump. The problem can best be solved, without Trump, by ensuring that future debates are moderated, seriatim, by John Madden, the Kardashian sisters, and Liam Neeson accompanied by the rest of the stars of the “A-Team” movie appearing in character. I pity the fools…
Audi of America President Johan de Nysschen called the Chevy Volt — Obama’s favorite automobile — a car for idiots. The Volt is the worst and most heavily government-subsidized car since the previous worst car of all time, the East German Trabant, which the Volt matches in performance and reliability. Don’t get matches close to it, because the Volt’s batteries are prone to catching fire. GM reported that it had sold 6,000 Volts so far, which means that, all told, the subsidy amounts to about $250,000 per car, a Great Green bargain. (Actually, a large part of those sales were to the government, which only multiplies the subsidy by making us pay for the cars twice.)
In October, we all mourned the death of Apple genius Steve Jobs. Shortly after he left us, the world’s BlackBerry service was disrupted for several days which coincided with Apple’s announcement of the new “iHaunt” app for the iPhone. Meanwhile, Libyan rebels found Muammar Qaddafi-Gaddafi-Khadaffy cowering in a sewer. Khadafi was reportedly killed in a crossfire (between the guy on his right and the guy on his left.) This event was mourned only by editors who will no longer be able to make their reporters’ lives miserable by randomly imposing different spellings of Moammar’s name.
The aforementioned N.Y. Post celebrated by publishing the best headline page in decades. Seems the guy who may have killed Krudaffy with his own gun was wearing a particular baseball cap. Which headline and subhead were too good to not reprint in full: “KHADAFY KILLED BY YANKEE FAN: Gunman had more hits than A-Rod.” (And no apologies to A-Rod, who hits like one of those high-estrogen Washington, D.C. men.)
The Occupy Wall Street movement grew so large that in October, President Obama formally embraced the great unwashed OWS kids, telling ABC’s Jake Tapper, “The most important thing we can do right now is those of us in leadership letting people know that we understand their struggles and we are on their side…”
Which resulted in the fine people of Charlotte, N.C. — where the 2012 Dem convention will be held — trying to preempt the OWS’ers inevitable migration to their city. Charlotte’s city fathers weren’t enthused by Obama’s invitation to another Chicago 1968-style riot so, at last report, they were amending the tradition of southern hospitality by building an electrified fence around their city.
A man of faith in a godless age is hitting Americans where it hurts.
Mr. and Mrs. American Spectator Reader, let P.J. O’Rourke talk sense to your kids.
In Britain, defending your property can get you life.
The debacle of this president’s administration is both a cause and a symptom of the decline of American values. Unless Congress impeaches him, that decline will go on unchecked. An eminent jurist surveys the damage and assesses the chances for the recovery of our culture.
It won’t take long for conservatives to scratch this presidential wannabe off their 2008 scorecard.
The American Christmas, like the songs that celebrate it, makes room for everybody under the rainbow. Is that why so many people seem to be hostile to it?
Was the President done in by the economy, or by the politics of the economy?
H/T to National Review Online