The good news is that 2011 is finally over. The bad news is that 2012 is upon us.
The coming year will not give us a break from the steady stream of political knavery, green graft and governmental stupidity that 2011 delivered, though it will surely provide a flood of politically-induced comedy.
JANUARY: An enterprising BBC reporter — seeking to prove the practicality of electric cars — drove from London to Edinburgh. The journey took four days — longer than a horse-drawn stage would have taken for the trip 150 years ago — including nine stops of up to ten hours.
(In its first crisis summit of the year, EU leaders declared they would impose Germanic controls on its members’ sovereign debts and toasted each other with large portions of Rémy Martin Louis XIII cognac. Meanwhile, in the first Republican presidential debate, both television viewers cheered when twelve contenders, apparently chosen at random, actually showed up.)
FEBRUARY: Chicago chose as its new mayor former White House chief of staff Rahm Effing Emanuel, who immediately ordered a voter registration drive in the city’s cemeteries. Shortly after that, the “Arab spring training season” began in Egypt. After Secretary of State Hillary said that the Mubarak regime was stable, the Cairo Clubbers traded their top grenade thrower to the Port Said Molotovs for two machine-gunners and a future draft pick.
(In an urgent crisis summit, Eurozone leaders sought to solve Greece’s insolvency by imposing budget rationalization written by Italian PM Silvio Burlesqueoni. Eurozone leaders toasted each other’s wisdom with a tiny sip of Dom Perignon 1975 champagne. Burlesqueoni requisitioned the rest of the bottle for what he called a “bunga-bunga” party, which term had to be translated for the media by Bill Clinton.)
MARCH: In January, Obama had proclaimed France our best and strongest ally. Because the French never forgive a favor, Sarkozy dragged Obama into his war for glory in Libya. Barry called it a “kinetic military action” and cute little Sarah called it a “squirmish.” My blazingly brilliant pal, Andy McCarthy, said that henceforth we should call acts of terrorism “kinetic Islam.” Barry told Congress to stuff its War Powers Resolution because bombing Libya wasn’t a hostile act. Meanwhile, Hillary called Syria’s Bashar Assad a “reformer.”
Obama’s hostility was reserved for Israel, and only increased when Israeli PM Netanyahu schooled him in front of the television cameras. Despite comments from both governments, it was clear that Obama’s anger, in this instance, emanated only from the fact that Bibi pulled it off without a teleprompter.
Forget APRIL and go to MAY, when we were treated to the news that the best of the best —“DevGroup,” formerly known as SEAL Team 6 — killed Osama bin Laden in Abbottabad, Pakistan where the Paks had hidden him for about five years. On the day the White House revealed that a large porn stash was found in bin Laden’s house, we also learned that the Real Wives of bin Laden weren’t cooperating with interrogators, which two events are not logically connected.
The Navy named a new ship for migrant labor activist Cesar Chavez, best remembered for his role in pushing the 1986 amnesty for illegal aliens. According to one highly inebriated source, if Obama is re-elected the next three Navy ships (if any are built) will be named for Barney Frank, Jane Fonda. and Eric Holder.
Before May ended former Illinois gov Rod Blagojevich testified in his corruption retrial that he was a “f****** jerk,” a fact of which the court could have taken judicial notice. After Disney Corp. surrendered its attempt to trademark “SEAL Team 6” for toys, video games and such, no court could find that Mickey Mouse was a f****** jerk without additional evidence.
JUNE: Enterprising Aussies found a new “cap and trade” scheme in an attempt to qualify for the Guinness Book of World Records for the “most corrupt carbon market.” Figuring that a camel produces 45 kilograms of carbon (in the form of methane) each year, the “kill a camel for carbon credits” plan quickly took shape. The conversion of camels to food may yet prove profitable because Aussies will eat anything as long as there’s enough beer to wash it down. Meanwhile, New York Cong. Anthony Weiner (D-of course. Why did you even ask?) became the first known “Twitticide” when he sent a picture of his aroused equipment out via the social networking site. As a NY Post headline said, “Erections have Consequences.”
TSA thugs forced a 95-year old woman to remove her adult diaper, apparently confusing its plastic liner for explosives.
(In another crisis summit, the Eurozone leaders resolved to bail out Greece with Italian-minted euros, and tried to give the bill to the International Monetary Fund. They toasted their latest success by drinking large glasses of Stolichnaya vodka. Television networks announced that the Republican debate series would replace both “Survivor” and “Real Housewives of Frostbite Falls” but not “Jersey Shore.” A splinter group of Iowa Republicans, seeking enhance their cash killing from selling tickets to the January caucuses, tried to get Snooki to declare her candidacy. The effort was stopped when a secret poll revealed she would get more votes than Ron Paul.)
At about that time, we heard that Jack Daniels may be driven north out of its native Tennessee by tax-hikers. “Michigan Sipping Whiskey” may be coming soon to a liquor store near you.
The Pentagon — convinced that ignorance is strength — declared that the Fort Hood Massacre, accomplished by crazed Muslim Nidal Hassan, was “workplace violence.” Because ignorance is a less effective defense than drunkenness, the city of Sunland Park, New Mexico denied the validity of several large contracts signed by Mayor Martin Resendiz who claimed he had been drunk when he signed them.
A man of faith in a godless age is hitting Americans where it hurts.
Mr. and Mrs. American Spectator Reader, let P.J. O’Rourke talk sense to your kids.
In Britain, defending your property can get you life.
The debacle of this president’s administration is both a cause and a symptom of the decline of American values. Unless Congress impeaches him, that decline will go on unchecked. An eminent jurist surveys the damage and assesses the chances for the recovery of our culture.
It won’t take long for conservatives to scratch this presidential wannabe off their 2008 scorecard.
The American Christmas, like the songs that celebrate it, makes room for everybody under the rainbow. Is that why so many people seem to be hostile to it?
Was the President done in by the economy, or by the politics of the economy?