Santa’s been running late because of all the speed traps and
sobriety checks out there. Not to mention the endless meetings with
his legal team to make sure the factory’s in compliance with the
latest workplace safety rules — and the elves happy with the terms
of their latest contract.
Thank God the sleigh doesn’t have to have a catalytic
converter.
Yet.
There have been rumblings, though, about his operation of
an open sleigh without a helmet — and the need to fit said sleigh
with Daytime Running Lamps to improve its visibility. It does not
meet current federal bumper impact standards and Rudolph’s red nose
is clearly a problem as it could be construed as impersonating an
emergency vehicle.
It will have to go.
Then there is the issue of Santa’s time behind the reins.
DOT rules say no more than 11 hours in a given 24. Luckily,
Christmas eve is just one night — but Santa had better keep his
logs just in case.
His “papers,” too.
Santa should expect to be stopped several times at various
checkpoints — where a bearded male with headgear will
surely arouse suspicion of evil-doing. What could be under
that thick coat? What’s in that bag? Isn’t red
the color of martyrdom? Has he been drinking tonight? Just
look at that red nose. Spread ‘em! Santa should be prepared for his
Enhanced Pat Down and Body Cavity Search.
Hopefully Missus Claus will have laundered his
underthings. And he better have a bail bondsman on his speed
dial.
Meanwhile, those reindeer.
Aren’t reindeer endangered? What is this man
doing with these animals? Has he got a permit? Where are
their tags? Have they been properly vaccinated, spayed, or neutered
as per Law? Does Santa have a legal rider on his insurance to cover
possible injury to The Children from hooves, teeth and
fleas?
He does have a scooper and baggies,
right?
But there are more important issues to be dealt with than
Santa’s obvious recklessness and lack of concern for safety. By
what standard, exactly, does this old white male determine who is
“naughty” and who is “nice”? Is there disparate impact? It
has come to our attention that some people in some neighborhoods
don’t receive the same amount or quality of presents.
Santa’s actions show clear bias.
Worse, he has provided no record whatsoever of his
dealings with the public. It appears that he operates at
whim — and without regard to outcomes, the self-esteem of
the children, or the good of the community. Children have possibly
been damaged. Surely, every child is “nice” — just as
every child can aspire to be president or an NFL
quarterback. “Naughty” is judgmental.
It is cruel for Santa to suggest
otherwise.
What’s more, it has not gone unnoticed that there isn’t a
single elf of color in the entire workshop — and apparently, no
female elves, either. Santa is running a closed shop. A
patriarchy. He is not representative of the great mosaic. He may be
a racist and misogynist and is probably flouting child
labor laws, too.
All this must change!
The old white guy, meanwhile, may finally have had
enough.
It gets tiring complying with all these forms, fending off
all these bureaucrats — worrying about lawsuits and, just perhaps,
a black-clad Ninja no-knock raid on his factory to ascertain just
where those toys came from and whether the elves are there
of their own free will. He well remembers what happened at Waco to
those other wackos — and isn’t interested in a repeat. He
knows what happens to people who appear “different” in the
Homeland. No doubt someone has Seen Something… and Said
Something. Landing on people’s roofs; slinking down chimneys.
Leaving packages unattended.
It is all very suspicious.
Santa has a heart condition, you know. He doesn’t
particularly want to risk being Tasered for “resisting.” He and the
missus — and the elves, too — just want to be left in peace.
Maybe some hot chocolate by a nice warm fire. People can’t even
accept free gifts anymore without presenting a laundry list of
conditions and demands.
Threats, too.
So, this might be the last run for a while.
Merry Christmas.
