The American Spectator : The Last Run

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The Last Run

By Eric Peters on 12.23.11 @ 6:07AM

Here comes Santa Claus right down Nanny State Lane.

(Page 2 of 2)

It is cruel for Santa to suggest otherwise.

What’s more, it has not gone unnoticed that there isn’t a single elf of color in the entire workshop — and apparently, no female elves, either. Santa is running a closed shop. A patriarchy. He is not representative of the great mosaic. He may be a racist and misogynist and is probably flouting child labor laws, too.

All this must change!

The old white guy, meanwhile, may finally have had enough.

It gets tiring complying with all these forms, fending off all these bureaucrats — worrying about lawsuits and, just perhaps, a black-clad Ninja no-knock raid on his factory to ascertain just where those toys came from and whether the elves are there of their own free will. He well remembers what happened at Waco to those other wackos — and isn’t interested in a repeat. He knows what happens to people who appear “different” in the Homeland. No doubt someone has Seen Something… and Said Something. Landing on people’s roofs; slinking down chimneys. Leaving packages unattended.

It is all very suspicious.

Santa has a heart condition, you know. He doesn’t particularly want to risk being Tasered for “resisting.” He and the missus — and the elves, too — just want to be left in peace. Maybe some hot chocolate by a nice warm fire. People can’t even accept free gifts anymore without presenting a laundry list of conditions and demands.

Threats, too.

So, this might be the last run for a while.

Merry Christmas.

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About the Author

Eric Peters is an automotive columnist and author of Automotive Atrocities: The Cars You Love to Hate (Motor Books International) and a new book, Road Hogs.

Letter to the Editor View all comments (47) | Leave a comment Leave a comment

Frank Drackman| 12.23.11 @ 6:29AM

Didn't Andy Rooney do this like 30 years ago?
Hey, I'm installing a tach on my 04' Crown Vic, one of the few "Modern"cars that doesn't have one, cause its old school, back when if you wanted a tach you had to Buy one from JC Whitney, N-, I mean "Jury"(what does that even mean?) Rig it to the Steering Column, and then wonder why you conldnt hit redline in your 72 Pinto, cause you forgot to set the cylinder selector to "4".
OK, even then you couldnt hit redline, damn POS with its 88 Horses(yeah right) at the crank.
Anyway, anybody know where to run the wire through the firewall?
I know about the shifter cable grommet, but I'm 50, I mean 49, and I can't contort like Nadia Commie-Neechie any more.
OK, I know its not as cool as drafting Countachs on the Nurnburger Ring, Leaving Rice Racers in your V-8 Dust as you heal and toe a 69 Malibu SS around Hollywood and Wine, but its all I got.
Except for my Dad's Sear's Craftsman Drill that I wasnt allowed to touch as a child, probably cause I drilled a peephole in my Barksdale AFB bedroom door. And drilling holes in firewalls is sortalike Nancy Pelosi's description of the healthcare bill, you wont know what you'll drill through until you drill through it.
Anyone got any good Tach stories? Pinto Stories? Nadia Commie-Neechie coming of age stories?

Frank

albert constantine jr.| 12.23.11 @ 8:50AM

How about a '68 Ford Fairlane Fastback with a 390 with broken motor mounts so if you were too fast on the gas pedal, the engine would rise up and the accelerator would stick in the open position?

Dick Nome.| 12.23.11 @ 1:30PM

A short length of chain or cable around the left mount fixes that.

albert constantine jr.| 12.23.11 @ 2:23PM

Actually, after a while, I replaced the mounts, but it was a very difficult job becuase of the large size of the engine in a rather compact (for the time, anyway) space in the engine compartment. At the time, though, it made my life in the late 70s more exciting than it might otherwise be.

FastJohnny| 12.23.11 @ 6:27PM

Yes!! I had a 68 Fairlane as my first car when I was 17...when the world was still young, but the motor mounts were fine. I blew through three transmissions back then and each time it cost me 120 dollars to pick up another one at a junkyard. Dunlop GT Qualifiers, 427 ci engine, Crager SS Mags, Edelbrock manifold, Holly carbs...oh, oh, I can't forget the gabriel highjackers. OMG, what memories. Wish I still had that car today, it would be worth something.

Alan Brooks| 12.25.11 @ 2:27AM

Dubya spent 5x more on the Nanny state than Clinton, and your next GOP abortion will spend even more. You are the sort of conflicted people who end up doing the opposite of what you want.

PsychoDad| 12.26.11 @ 1:36PM

On a Vic? Why the hell do ya need a tach with an AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION????

Dollface| 12.26.11 @ 6:30PM

Cuz it looks cool.

PCC| 12.23.11 @ 8:00AM

Dear Mr. Peters,

I used to think of American Spectator as a right-wing publication.

Now I realize that at least some of you come to see the error of your ways.

Thank you for an enlightening and insightful article.

If I see Santa Claus anywhere near my chimney, I will accost him about his totally unacceptable carbon footprint and cruelty to animals, not to mention his vile pipe-smoking cancer-causing habit.

DaveS| 12.23.11 @ 9:33AM

Stand in line behind (big back-side) Moochele - who will be haranguing Santa about his intake.

Dave | 12.23.11 @ 8:50AM

It seems the classic rule of comedy applies to Eric's column:

"In order for a bit to work, there has to be a grain of truth running through the premise."

In the case of Last Run, the grain of truth here isn't just "running" through its premise -- it's stampeding.

Nice job, Eric. And while it lasts, Merry Christmas to the rest of us.

Purp| 12.23.11 @ 8:52AM

The Tea Party Caved on the Payroll Tax Cut Extension ... hahaha - Wow - how incompetent can the Republicants be? The 2 month extension is paid for - saying otherwise is a Republicant lie. Fees to Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae housing underwriting pay for the 2 month extension. That's why it is only 2 months - the Republicants would not agree to tax the millionaires and billionaires to pay for it. Social Security Insurance is not short changed - that's a bald faced Rush Loudmouth lie.

DaveS| 12.23.11 @ 9:35AM

Your compulsive-obsessive disorder is in need of treatment.

Purp| 12.23.11 @ 9:47AM

they caved, they caved, they caved ... gutless wonders of the Tea Party radical right...

Frank Drackman | 12.23.11 @ 10:20AM

Your Right, and with Barak Hussein O'Stalin the overall tax burden is 2% lower than under the Insane-Budget-Busting Bush tax cuts of 2001-2003.
OK, if your a White Smoker you might be payin a little more in Tobacco/Tanning sin taxes, but there's ways around those...
And most of the payroll tax phases out around $100,ooo, I mean what kind of loser doesnt make $100,000?

Frank

Purp| 12.23.11 @ 11:48AM

Huh?
BTW - the payroll tax cap is 106,800 for 2011, but for 2012 it's 110,000, so it includes more people in 2012.

Dick Nome.| 12.23.11 @ 1:34PM

You have no clue what you are talking about.. nothing will help either. I hope it isn't painful being clueless and hopeless.

Nick| 12.23.11 @ 2:20PM

Good point, Purp-jackass.

Why did President Downgrade fight so hard to give such a big tax cut for the rich?

The guy who earned over 106,800 was able to keep over $2,100 of his money. While the poor slob earning only $10.00/hr. got to keep a whopping $416.00 of his money!

The rich guy kept over $40.00 a week!
While the working poor kept a measly $8.00 a week!
That is EIGHT dollars a week, folks.

Why are you and O'Bama for the 1%?

Purp| 12.23.11 @ 3:26PM

Nice try jacknut $8.00, $20.00 or $40.00 per week means a lot more to the working poor or middle class than 2100.00 does to millionaires and billionaires ... what part of that do you not understand? Since you aren't in the 1%, it should be easy for you - you keep your tax money that the President asked for since September over the greedy protestations of the Republicant Scrooges. The tax cut was for all Americans and the President and Senate Democrats wanted to apply a 1.9% surtax to the 1% to pay for the entire year extension for everyone. But the Republicants would have none of it, so they would only allow 2 months to be paid for by Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae fees to be increased. That's all they could find to pay for it - hurt the housing market - another boner pulled by the Republicants.
Read the bill and learn something: http://nationaljournal.com/con.....s-20111222

Nick| 12.23.11 @ 8:33PM

Purp-jackass,

If you knew what you were talking about, you might be dangerous. Nice spouting of the democrat party talking-points. What are you, a parrot?

"The tax cut was for all Americans [...]."

It wasn't for Warren Buffett, and his ilk. He only pays capital gains.

You and President Downgrade are in favor of tax cuts for the rich, and could care less for the working poor.

Eight bucks! Wowwwww!
Could you spare it, dope?

Occam's Tool| 2.1.12 @ 5:49PM

Aren't you the Fortune 10 rich guy, Purp?

russel| 12.23.11 @ 7:31PM

Three out of eighty seven is ' caving ' ?. Leave and go soak your head .

Dick Nome.| 12.23.11 @ 1:58PM

The National Debt just blew past $15,000,000,000,000, that 15 TRILLION in case you can't figure it out, and you think this 2 month tax holiday (not a cut) is piad for?? How do you figure that in your delusioned mind??

Purp| 12.23.11 @ 3:28PM

10.7 Trillion was put on the National Debt by St. Reagan and Papa and Baby Bush - if you don't like the debt, "Blame Yo'self" - you voted for the borrow and spenders.
Read the Bill how it is paid for jack-hur : http://nationaljournal.com/con.....s-20111222

PsychoDad| 12.26.11 @ 1:38PM

Does this stupid ffkk even read the columns before posting in them, or does he just come in and spank his monkey at random?

Occam's Tool| 2.1.12 @ 5:49PM

Spank Monkey at Random.

Jack London| 12.23.11 @ 8:56AM

So let's keep on pumping out CO2 and lets melt the permafrost and release all that methane. Now that will keep Santa's snowy wonderland safe. But wait a minute...

Frank Drackman | 12.23.11 @ 10:23AM

The average Human produces 3ml/kg of body mass of CO2 per minute..
For that fatty AlGore thats a minimum of 300ml/minute, do the math, hommina hommina, carry the 2, divide by 3..
Thats like 18 Liters/Hr, 400+ liters day, 2800 liters/week/ ONE POINT FOUR FRIGGIN MILLION LITERS OF CO2/year!!!!
and thats low, cause CO2 production goes up with physical exertion, i.e. jerkin off.

Frnak

Dick Nome| 12.23.11 @ 7:04PM

I exhale CO2 and fart Methane. I just made a pot of Pea soup and a crock of ranch beans.. .. should keep me warm and tuned up. I can play Christmas carols, especially good at the'Rumpapumpum'part of Little Drummer Boy.

Moe Blotz| 12.23.11 @ 8:57AM

New rules just signed by our great and benevolent hopey changey honcho stipulate muleskinners (or reindeer) must take a 30 minute break after 8 hours operating the vehicle and must take a nap between 01.00 and 05.00. Santa should be OK after he clears our borders.

albert constantine jr.| 12.23.11 @ 8:57AM

I think Mr. Peters completely missed an opportunity to reflect and report upon the EPA response to the stockings full of coal Santa would once deliver to those whose behavior fell short of expectations.

rhoetus| 12.23.11 @ 10:19AM

Finally disgusted with human behavior God decides to hold a press conference to tell the world that he has decided to end the world in 24 hours. Newspaper headlines:

USA Today: WE’RE GONE!

WSJ: GOD Says World to End Tomorrow
Market to Close Early

Washington Post: GOD Says World to End Tomorrow
Women and Minorities Hardest Hit

JimH| 12.23.11 @ 11:15AM

In sports: Tebow ready for big game.

Frank Drackman | 12.23.11 @ 11:40AM

that wasnt even funny when Rush Limbo told it 20 yrs ago...

rhoetus| 12.23.11 @ 2:12PM

It's true- that's why it's funny! ;-)

PsychoDad| 12.26.11 @ 1:39PM

I think it was first done in the 50s by a newspaper, regarding a blizzard.

Petronius| 12.23.11 @ 10:59AM

To All and Singular
Be it known that Santa Clause, aka Kris Kringle, aka Father Christmas, aka Saint Nick, was apprehended after being forced down at an undisclosed location and detained by the European Commission for extensive violations of the Social Chapter. The Statzpolizzei have so far accused him of flying while intoxicated, so the diet Nazis here cannot bust him for all the cookies he would otherwise put away in his pre-diabetic condition. He is also to be charged with insulting the international gay community for gifting young girls with gender specific dolls. The Communists are always in a lather over his distribution of Monopoly games, and as usual, that Australian hag Peters demands a life sentence for his leaving of toy guns. So accept the bad news boys and girls. And remember the fateful words spoken by Lord Carlisle. "Democracy is a process of cancellations: the net result of which is zero."
Untold acts of savagery will be heralded by the events of the new year as the final Prophecy of Fatima comes True.
P.S. To those who have the means: get thee to a purveyor of vehicles like Fastlane and acquire a restored car or truck built before 1970 so that you can enjoy what little Freedom is left.

Moe Blotz| 12.24.11 @ 8:21AM

Is that you, Booger? Similar writing style, what? As Glenn Beck said many times, "Have a Merry Ramahannukwanzmas."

Petronius| 12.24.11 @ 10:44AM

Sorry Moe
I'd like to know where he's been all this time. I miss seconding and amplifying B's work. Now go read your Mencken and join the team.

russel| 12.23.11 @ 11:19AM

Peter , maybe somewhere next time , you could find a place for why kids ( Elves ) shouldn't be allowed to operate farm equipment . Or why farmers ( Santa ) need a CDL to operate said equipment . What about all that dust from farming .. oh. never mind .

Dipesto| 12.23.11 @ 1:54PM

I hope Claus avoids making his deliveries around the region of the Great Slave Lake up in the far north, as an economic boycott of a place with such an unacceptable name. And when do the Palins go on their annual reindeer hunt?

Vasu Murti | 12.24.11 @ 3:25PM

(The folk song below receives airplay on KFOG 104.5 here in the SF Bay Area during the holiday season.)

"Well, Jesus was a homeless lad
"With an unwed mother and an absent dad
"And I really don't think he would have gotten that far
"If Newt, Pat and Jesse had followed that star