The American Spectator

September and apparently the gloom continues over at the White House. Mrs. Michelle Obama was seen shopping at Target. The president’s popularity is slipping even with blacks, as, according to a Washington Post-ABC news poll, only 58 percent view him favorably, down from 83 percent five months ago, and many of them say he is white. Finally, President Barack Obama betrayed signs of schizophrenia on September 29 when he told WESH-TV in Orlando, Florida, that “This is a great, great country that had gotten a little soft, and didn’t have that same competitive edge that we needed over the last couple of decades. We need to get back on track.” Then he said, “I would not trade our position with anybody on Earth. We still have the best universities, the best scientists, best workers in the world; the most dynamic economic system in the world.” Now if the Republicans can only nominate…

We may have found the perfect venue for the drop-dead beautiful ex-International Monetary Fund head, Mr. Dominique Strauss-Kahn, to revive his tattered political career. It is San Francisco, California, where an upstart reformer, city supervisor Mr. Scott Wiener (no relation to the evanescent Mr. Anthony Weiner) is going ahead with his anti-public nudity campaign. The scoundrel is insisting that San Francisco’s urban nudists—and there are a lot of them—swaddle their naked arses in towels or at least newspapers when they sit down on public benches and in restaurants—even Chinese restaurants! Think of what a monkey Mr. Strauss-Kahn would make of city supervisor Wiener if the Frenchman were to settle in San Francisco and run for, say, Public Sex Maniac. A little of Monsieur Strauss-Kahn’s Gallic metaphrase would do Wiener good. Did not the Parisian “hottie,” in referring to his mishap with that Manhattan chambermaid, steal a line attributed to Talleyrand: “It was worse than a crime; it was a mistake”? Mr. Strauss-Kahn committed this larceny on September 19 in an interview on French TV. No one took offense. And speaking of Mr. Anthony Weiner—the real wiener, if you will—The American Spectator in a worldwide exclusive (as posted on our website at spectator.org on September 17) outed him and his loud-mouthed wife Huma Abedin. Both were aswillin’ and aguzzlin’ in posh Positano, Italy, on the famed Amalfi coast, while Mr. Bob Turner, a Republican, was wresting Weiner’s old congressional seat from the Democratic Party for the first time since 1923. Heard talking with a distinctly cosmopolitan group of revelers, Ms. Abedin, an aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton at the State Department, was deriding the American public for its provincial ways and its refusal to take seriously her husband’s scrotum. Apparently her Positano audience was drawn from the ranks of urologists who frequent the ritzy watering hole, or maybe she was with a photography club of exhibitionists. At any rate, AmSpec’s investigative team is now looking into who paid for the couple’s getaway. Anthony is out of work! Was the Democratic National Committee paying to keep them out of the country on Election Day? Mr. Turner won 54 percent to 46 percent.

There has been no sign of Colonel Moammar Gaddafi or his sons, Muatassim el-Gaddafi and Seif al-Islam, Esq., the heir apparent who did not show up at this month’s Clinton Global Initiative held in New York City on the wholesome theme “The Disgrace of Global and Economic Injustice.” Colonel Gaddafi has been allegedly “hanging out” with the Tuaregs, fierce tribesmen who prowl the Sahara from Libya and neighboring nations, occasionally eating people. Meanwhile, the Libyan Transitional National Council’s political leaders continue their efforts to form a government amid small arms fire and the usual suicide bombers who have become a sacred fixture of Holy Islam. There has been headway made in discovering the cause the exploding toilet reported in last month’s Crisis. The mysterious rash of exploding toilets at the Washington D.C. building shared by the General Services Administration and the Department of Homeland Security has been laid to elevated water pressure, according to Mr. Chuck White, an expert called in by the government. That unanticipated pressure can cause “a geyser,” says Mr. White, which is “a recipe for disaster.” In Washington two people were sent to hospital and as many as 2,500 government employees suffered Post Potty Distress (PPD), which can be serious. In another follow-up from last month’s installment of the Crisis, Mr. Onyango Obama, known to aficionados of the Obama legend as “Uncle Omar,” has appeared in a Massachusetts court on charges of drunken driving. The dashing half-brother of the president’s expired father, who was himself a tippler before a carousal was interrupted by a tree, was born in Kenya and has been living here as an illegal alien for almost 20 years. He was arrested last month outside the Chicken Bone Saloon after getting into some sort of lovable row with a fellow motorist driving an unmarked police car. His calls to the White House eventuated in naught.

The “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” ban on homosexuals in the military ended peacefully on September 20 amongst much pomp and circumstances. Yet now the Servicemembers Legal Defense Fund has commenced negotiations for transgendered citizens to enter the military, hoping to make the American military the most active social laboratory in the U.S., with the exception of American higher education. Australian aborigines bid fare to claim direct descendency from several human groups that left Africa to colonize the world, according to the latest genetic evidence. The scientific findings challenge the widely held belief that only one group dispersed from Africa, and a rather humorless group at that. Mr. Carl Oglesby, once the leader of Students for a Democratic Society who was ousted by the Weather Underground led by such stalwarts as Miss Bernardine Dohrn and the writer, Mr. Bill Ayers, passed away. He is the author of the 1990 underground classic Bob Vila’s Guide to Buying Your Dream House, though he was only a minor figure in the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac imbroglio and had no role in the government in recent years. And Mr. Owsley Brown II bit the dust. He was the proprietor of the Kentucky house that made Jack Daniel’s and so many other natural health foods.

That dreadful pothering that occurred late at night in Mr. Per Johansson’s garden was not Mr. Johansson’s wife after all. It was a drunken moose, and the cops were called to remove it from a tree. Imagine when they discovered it was not Mrs. Johansson but an unnamed moose. Yes, the beast got squiffed on fermented apples from Mr. Johansson’s garden in Gothenburg, Sweden, and climbed the tree apparently to sleep it off. Mrs. Johansson’s condition is un-known. From Jakarta comes very bad news for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Mr. Andre Lumboga’s seven dogs have eaten him along with two other dogs. The local Anti-Cruelty Society is on the Alert. Finally, there is another opening in the leadership of al Qaeda. Last month we reported it was Mr. Atiyah Abdal-Rahman who made some ill-advised movement and poof an American drone struck. This month it was the American-born Rev. Anwar al-Awlaki who was on a country drive through rural Yemen and poof again. Would it not have been better for the New Mexican-born cleric to have stayed stateside, perhaps becoming a blogger and a Unitarian? His galoots will miss him.