Repent, suburbanites, for the end is near!
That’s the gist of a new piece in The
Atlantic titled “The
Beginning of the End for Suburban America.” And this time, say
the doomsayers, it’s not just wishful thinking.
Many signs and wonders portend suburbia’s last days.
First, the number of miles Americans drove fell in 2008 and 2009.
True, this could be the result of a number of things. More
carpooling, for one. The corporate exodus. More telecommuting. Even
— though unlikely — more use of public
transportation.
There’s just one small problem. Turns out Americans
aren’t driving fewer miles. In the next paragraph, the
author tries to slip this in on the sly: “In 2010, Americans drove
a little more [than in 2009].”
Okay, but what about this: Houses are getting
smaller and using less energy. “The average size of a new home in
2010 is nearly 130 square feet smaller than in 2007.” That could
just as easily be a sign that suburbanites plan on having fewer
children. Or that the popularity of the gaudy McMansion has run its
course. Or that suburban homeowners simply want homes that are more
fuel efficient. Some suburban folks, believe it or not, are
actually concerned with energy efficiency. They just don’t harp on
it continuously. They have more important things to do. Like
commute three hours to work.
Ever since modern suburbia sprung from the loins of
the post-World War II economic boom it has been criticized by
right-thinkers as homogenous, conformist, dull, and populated
entirely with lawn-obsessed, wife-swapping alcoholics. More
recently, the burbs have been attacked for the clown-like size of
their carbon footprint. “[The suburbs] are the greatest
misallocation of resources in the history of the world,” says
professional scold James Howard Kunstler. “America has squandered
its wealth in a living arrangement that has no
future.”
Well I, for one, happen to like big houses with big
yards. I grew up in a family of five where we four boys were
crammed into a single room the size of a telephone booth. Our
backyard was far too small for the Nerf football field – Wiffle
Ball diamond our budding athleticism required, which meant our
neighbor’s vegetable garden paid the ultimate sacrifice. At that
time, my parents couldn’t afford anything larger. But if today’s
families can, why pack your kids into one cramped room like veal
calves?
The “obscene
suburban lifestyle” isn’t the problem and never has been. Our
cities are the problem. They have become, in Rousseau’s words, “the
abyss of the human species.” Still, a lot of suburbanites would
like nothing better than to live in a great booming metropolis and
enjoy a 10-minute commute to work. But for the great majority this
is a non-starter. We city dwellers have to endure constant
vandalism, crime, litter, noise, lousy schools, corrupt and
unresponsive governments, derelict properties, drug wars, and so
forth. How many times do you want to replace your shattered car
windows because some hoodlum thinks there may be a revolver stashed
under the front seat? (It’s under my pillow.) Raising kids in the
city, if you can afford not to, should be considered a form of
child abuse. At the very least, child neglect.
Kunstler and his ilk drone constantly about livable
cities, by which they mean green, walkable neighborhoods, close to
reliable food and water supplies. They never seem to talk about
cities as they really are: barbaric hellholes. For example, this
summer in my inner-city neighborhood an elderly Asian couple was
assaulted by a gang of teenage thugs. The elderly man was savagely
beaten to death. The next day, the couple’s children whisked their
grieving mother away to the safety of a senior apartment building
in the suburbs. It’s a story that is repeated far too often. As
long as such things happen, on a fairly consistent basis, the
suburbs will continue to thrive. Regardless of the price of
gas.
Sure, the city has its compensations: Hip restaurants,
quaint homes, kitschy shops, art museums, the best music venues.
But suburbanites can take advantage of these too. Many own big
armored Humvees they can drive into the city, dine at some upscale
Bedouin eatery, and, if they are lucky and their tires
aren’t stolen, they can get out of Dodge before the rioting
starts.
Here’s what I don’t get. You’d think the city’s
hipsters, couch surfers, trannies, green-anarchists and urban
farmers would be glad the kind of people who live in the suburbs
live in the suburbs. Perhaps they should ask themselves this: do
they really want hundreds of senior-level reputation development
executives and B2B IT consultants moving
into their “edgy” neighborhoods?
You city folk best be careful what you wish
for.
